One small step..

There's a point in which you start to question every single move you've ever made. I'm not there, I'm past it. I feel as though I've been walking for miles and the street lamps went out, I have no flashlight and I am literally making things up as I go. I am maybe slightly better in the quest to beat this depression. I am happy I have my family. I am still really irritable, I am upset a lot and I rarely find myself genuinely laughing. I miss myself. I think about times where I probably would have laughed and feel like a ghost above my body yelling "laugh you idiot, that was funny! " I finally uttered the words to Tony that I feel like I am battling depression. He had a little bit to say but basically that he was dealing with the same stuff at times and kinda just, get over it. I tried to explain how extremely out of character this feels for me. That some days waking up around 9 and slothing around til 1 and then napping is grotesque to me but seemingly impossible to surmount. I am still alone though the feeling is not as striking as it was a few months back. I have glommed on to Tony and probably to the detriment of our relationship. But I'm hopeful we can see this through. The big ticker is for me to find a job down here. I know that with routine will come some reprieve. I am trying to fix that as soon as possible. Because once I run out of money, there will be literally nothing holding me in place. I;m still struggling with A but having Tony around helps a ton. I just cant be with her every single. second. and I am right now, but again as soon as I have income I will have a way to pay for her to go to daycare. I don't really know if this post has a point other than , i feel like I've taken at least ONE step in the right direction. I don't feel a ton better but something seems to be making sense. I am hopeful for tomorrow and each passing day to see some light that will shine bright and continue to show me the path to wellness. I have never known a fight like the internal battle I face each day in this body and with this mind. I long for the days of my exuberance and eternal optimism. I know I will see that person again. I cant wait to share her with the people in my life now who dont know her. She's me. ....stay tuned.

Wowza.!

Well, I've gotten zero percent better since the last time I wrote. I didn't really try, I got outside and went for a bike ride with Tony and Adri. It was great, we went to the park. Sadly I still don't feel like i enjoyed much. Let me back up a bit... On Sunday I went to the baby shower for Emily and spent time with my mom's family. I had put off scheduling any plans for the day because Tony said Nino was coming in to town and he wanted to play it by ear. So somehow our lines got crossed, apparently my cell phone is not working optimally and I waited for a long time to hear from him so opportunities started going out the window. I was upset and when the option of hanging out with the Namans and cooking out and seeing D and baby Dominic came up I needed to pursue it. I am extremely lonely, that is a huge motivator to where I choose to spend my time. These are people I feel comfortable around so I don't have to be awkward in starting new relationships. Which is what I am trying to do up here in Baltimore. I am so confused by this because I've always had friends, lots of them. I must've alienated myself so badly that I no longer have a group of people I go out and choose to spend my time with. This is huge for me. I used to like to be alone, because so often I was surrounded by tons of people. So now that I'm not surrounded, being alone is every day and now I have to think about forming new relationships. Some of that is necessity, if I don't start creating relationships I will literally fall over and die. I cannot go on the way I am now. Part of it is also to learn to enjoy life. Laughing with friends is some of the best times I've ever had so I must seek that out again. Can I just tell you I've let my phone die and I haven't answered it at all. I tried to take some supplements to help boost my mood. It didnt go as planned. I've been doing research to see what options there are out there to help me get myself out of this depressive state. I have no option to go see a doctor so I need to do this au naturale. I found lots of info about Omega 3's and daily multi-vitamins to start helping my improve my mood. I ran upstairs and threw down a fish oil pill, realized I was a bit hungry but I wanted to start the mood boost immediately so I then went on to the multivitamin... Well it got stuck in my throat. Like really really. Obstructing my airway and all. I started coughing and it moved into place more, I could still breathe because I was choking and coughing still but my body was freaking out, trying to cough it out or swallow it, finally i got it down and could start to breathe normally again. My head is pounding and my eyeballs are all red from busting some capillaries I guess. I was honestly moving towards my phone to call 911 because I was choking and alone. It really freaked me out. And then that boost of adrenaline on top of what I had just swallowed probably did not make a good combination because I went downstairs to eat a banana and a few bites in I felt nauseous. I've tried to just sit and rest but I'm shaking and borderline going to vomit. So today feels like a massive failure but I'm going to look up how to take these supplements better so I can try again tomorrow. I will get outside and get more sunshine and I am writing in here so I may be on my way to feeling better soon. If anyone has any tips or tricks to taking supplements and keeping them down please feel free to drop me a line and let me know how the heck to do this because I feel like shit right now and that is the opposite of what I was going for! Alright folks, i think it's time to take a break but I will be back soon! Thanks for staying tuned!

Shit just got real.

Here's the thing... Every time I think I have a handle on things, life seems to throw me a curve. And that damn Rascal Flatts song doesn't always play in my "yeah life throws ya curves, but you learn to swerve" I have been repeatedly getting bashed in the head with a particular set of curves coming my way and since I didn't seem to get it I think they ended up much like a Nascar race and I was just going in circles at a really high speed. Guess what was missing. Go ahead, guess. No, not a man. Cuz he's never been part of my picture. (have you EVER read a blog of mine?!!!) Not some magical awesome thing that always grounds me, wait yes, yes that's exactly what was missing. That thing happens to be, writing. blogging. YOU GUYS! I am a writer. I have pushed this part of me out for SOOOOOOO long that I became depressed. Well, I became depressed because I lost my Grandfather in August and just a few days ago realized I never grieved the loss. Don't get me wrong, I was sad. But other than at the funeral I never let myself feel anything. Nothing. And for the last 8 months I had continued that numbness into every day life. I was irritable ( I AM, still very irritable) I am fatigued... ALL the time. Of course I have a 2 year old who has more attitude than the entire cast of Clueless. So I kept dismissing this. I knew a few months back that nothing was making me laugh. I realized I was numb, but I didn't understand why yet. I have successfully avoided any and all opportunities to further my Real Estate Career. I've been a shit business owner. I have done just good enough of a job to suffice for a week. And then I let that week bleed, and I guess I'm a bit of a hemophiliac because bleed it did. And I've been falling reaching for earth for realness, for anything to snap me out of this place. I've gotten apps. My favorite one is Headspace, but even that I cannot commit to doing every day. I tried the app Super Better but didn't want to do the portion which invited "allies" into my issue. I've looked up a few natural cures on depression. Looked up several different ways to find out if it was indeed depression that was causing me to be so utterly distant from the body I woke up in every morning. I tried to hug my daughter harder. To smile and watch her interact with her Dad and see how heartwarming life was in those moments. I acknowledged it but never FELT warmed. I tried putting exercise into my life. This was the one thing that seemed to start to make a difference. I still am not in a routine that I'm proud of yet. Not quite exercising every day consistently or doing a consistent exercise that makes me feel good. I'm also not drinking enough red wine that constitutes as exercise yet either. I mean one or the other is good enough for me right. I lost my taste for red wine. I seriously reached out to my online Mom group to ask what the hell to do about that. Naturally my wine drinking Mombies told me to push through. So I tried and I can stomach a glass or red wine occasionally these days but only when I consciously think about it. Anyway, point is. Here I am. Writing. Being honest, raw, hopeful, long winded. :) Anything to help me get better. Look forward to more blog posts because this momma ain't going down easy. Well, I went down pretty easy but I am going to get the hell back up and be awake and alive and energized and the best damn real estate agent/single mom/badass I ever was. I can't wait and I am so glad you all are a part of this process. ....stay tuned!