Shit just got real.

Here's the thing... Every time I think I have a handle on things, life seems to throw me a curve. And that damn Rascal Flatts song doesn't always play in my "yeah life throws ya curves, but you learn to swerve" I have been repeatedly getting bashed in the head with a particular set of curves coming my way and since I didn't seem to get it I think they ended up much like a Nascar race and I was just going in circles at a really high speed. Guess what was missing. Go ahead, guess. No, not a man. Cuz he's never been part of my picture. (have you EVER read a blog of mine?!!!) Not some magical awesome thing that always grounds me, wait yes, yes that's exactly what was missing. That thing happens to be, writing. blogging. YOU GUYS! I am a writer. I have pushed this part of me out for SOOOOOOO long that I became depressed. Well, I became depressed because I lost my Grandfather in August and just a few days ago realized I never grieved the loss. Don't get me wrong, I was sad. But other than at the funeral I never let myself feel anything. Nothing. And for the last 8 months I had continued that numbness into every day life. I was irritable ( I AM, still very irritable) I am fatigued... ALL the time. Of course I have a 2 year old who has more attitude than the entire cast of Clueless. So I kept dismissing this. I knew a few months back that nothing was making me laugh. I realized I was numb, but I didn't understand why yet. I have successfully avoided any and all opportunities to further my Real Estate Career. I've been a shit business owner. I have done just good enough of a job to suffice for a week. And then I let that week bleed, and I guess I'm a bit of a hemophiliac because bleed it did. And I've been falling reaching for earth for realness, for anything to snap me out of this place. I've gotten apps. My favorite one is Headspace, but even that I cannot commit to doing every day. I tried the app Super Better but didn't want to do the portion which invited "allies" into my issue. I've looked up a few natural cures on depression. Looked up several different ways to find out if it was indeed depression that was causing me to be so utterly distant from the body I woke up in every morning. I tried to hug my daughter harder. To smile and watch her interact with her Dad and see how heartwarming life was in those moments. I acknowledged it but never FELT warmed. I tried putting exercise into my life. This was the one thing that seemed to start to make a difference. I still am not in a routine that I'm proud of yet. Not quite exercising every day consistently or doing a consistent exercise that makes me feel good. I'm also not drinking enough red wine that constitutes as exercise yet either. I mean one or the other is good enough for me right. I lost my taste for red wine. I seriously reached out to my online Mom group to ask what the hell to do about that. Naturally my wine drinking Mombies told me to push through. So I tried and I can stomach a glass or red wine occasionally these days but only when I consciously think about it. Anyway, point is. Here I am. Writing. Being honest, raw, hopeful, long winded. :) Anything to help me get better. Look forward to more blog posts because this momma ain't going down easy. Well, I went down pretty easy but I am going to get the hell back up and be awake and alive and energized and the best damn real estate agent/single mom/badass I ever was. I can't wait and I am so glad you all are a part of this process. ....stay tuned!

Closure...

Three days ago, yesterday and thankfully not so far today; I have been a complete recluse. An emotional mess. I very rarely take a quick spiral down and cant pick myself up again. It took me until today to really get there. To not suck the life out of my own presence. I cancelled and avoided a social commitment I was rather excited to be a part of.

I lost my "bonus" grandfather on Thursday. I was lucky enough to have 8 grandparents at some point in my life. Well not exactly. I never knew my StepMother's mom. I barely knew my own mother's mother. Very strong women who even though I only knew one for a short period of time have impacted my life. But out of those 8, only 2 remain. My maternal Grandfather and my StepDad's mother.

The problem with a big huge large ginormous family? They can't last forever. Though truthfully I have tricked my mind into thinking that my immediate family is indeed going to. I have always wanted to live to be 100 years old.

But I want every other person related to me right there with me. Complettely unrealistic I am aware. However my delusions of grandeur have not allowed me to really process how horrific 100 just might be if I keep up this pace.

There is a resounding darkness in my life. It is death. I am not afraid of death for myself. I have no real qualms about it. I understand that one's time comes and one does not avoid, the end. (If you have seen a Final Destination or 5 you'd know that by now)

However, I have been exposed to death early and often. I was young when my grandmother passed away. I had a neighbor in a court I lived for a long time pass away. I recently lost my other Bonus Grandfather and my Paternal Grandmother and Grandfather.
I've lost two aunts, an uncle and most devastatingly, a best friend. Each of which I went to experience their funerals. My time to say goodbye. If I did not already get a chance to.

There in lies the problem. If I am only faced with the result and not the days weeks months, leading up to the end. I cannot wrap my head around it.

I feel as if the person was stolen from me.

Supremely selfish I am aware. I am consumed with the robbery. I cannot bring myself to an understanding that allows me to keep moving. Unless I must.

I am very good at putting on a brave face. My father taught me that one. And I can be other peoples rock. I can lift people as high as they are willing to go on my shoulders. I can support and remain positive for as long as necessary...for someone else. My mother taught me those traits.

For myself I go deep. I go dark. I can't see the way out. It's my way. I spiral down, and when all alone. Usually when I am driving.. my tears come. Quickly and ugly usually. I don't spend more than 10 minutes on one cry sesh and then I move on.

Unless I need more. And death.. usually requires more.
When I lost my best friend. It changed the way I felt about death.

She was so important to me. I loved her way of living. I love the way she affected people. I love the attitude she had. She was less of a best friend and more of a role model. I looked up to her. She was my age, but she was light years ahead of me.

I will never forget what I felt that day. It was a scene from a horror movie. The call, I dropped the phone and let out a guttural scream. I was "there" instantly. I called my father and uttered maybe 3 words.

"Nicole, she's.. gone"

I don't even think he understood them so he rushed home in the middle of the day to pick up his college aged daughter who was most definitely on the floor. Struggling to grasp any reason she would have been chosen to leave this earth.

I never did come to that understanding. I still would like to take it up with the man upstairs and claim he might have made a mistake.

I wear a blue bracelet, Every. Single. Day. to commemorate her. I think about her often. I talk to her mother and brother. I am at every event the foundation set up in her name, puts on. Her life affected me, her death will affect me for the rest of my life.

I hope writing this provides me with a bit of catharsis that I can continue today and not have a dark moment. I am heading to my family this evening to do the whole memorial thing in the next two days. Two days ago I flat out did NOT want to feel. I drank an entire bottle of wine to myself that night. No feeling. It was how I needed to cope. I knew it was coming.

I know my own soul and the way it works, and it hurts. I wanted to "feel" as little possible leading up to the fact that I knew I was going to be there tomorrow and Tuesday. Ugh. I don't even like writing about it because it makes it real.

On Tuesday I will get to say goodbye and hug and feel the support of many others who are saddened by our loss. And I will be much much better.


..stay tuned.