What had happen was...

I just opened a beer.. sat on the couch and started Facebooking. Ugh what kinda world are my kids gonna grow up in?

Do you ever worry about the type of relationships we build these days?

Yeah me neither. I am just kidding. I am welcoming social media with full force in 2012. I have been reading more and more things with these cautionary tales of using social media. There is a commercial out there asking "do you really want all of your friends to see this?" um yeah bitch I do. Thats the whole freaking point.

Yeah I've blogged about how difficult it is to remain anonymous and yet involve your friends and family in your endeavors but it's something that is the blogger, tweeter and facebooker must deal with. I think we are all learning the twists and turns of what our technological connections can throw our way. I know for sure that my family alone, on my Dad's side, there are multiple bloggers in our family and it's how we stay in touch. I follow my sister's blog who lives close to me and we see each other a lot. But it's life in twenty twelve.

So here's a link to all my families blogs..
so you can see what it's like to be one of seemingly hundreds in my family.

My cousin Erin who moved into Baltimore City,

My sister Melanie who is into everything as a newlywed and super dog owner.

My cousin Megan..who seriously is a gypsy.
God love her, I'm pretty sure she's in Nevada now.. but I'll have to check on that.


Okay so I'm pretty sure that isn't all of them.. I have to get more info to even keep up. But I love these people and I love that we all blog in this day and age I don't know how else I would see or hear from these people.

Oh yeah I learned how to Skype the other day.. randomly skyped with my aunt Jeanne. Yeah so I've been blogging for YEARS before it was the norm but I definitely missed the Skype boat.. but I'm here now!

Also I'm gonna go ahead and say my Twittering is the best around. It kills my younger brother that I get more replies and retweets from famous people than he does. Muhahahaha, sibling rivalry in the 21st century.

..stay tuned

Closure...

Three days ago, yesterday and thankfully not so far today; I have been a complete recluse. An emotional mess. I very rarely take a quick spiral down and cant pick myself up again. It took me until today to really get there. To not suck the life out of my own presence. I cancelled and avoided a social commitment I was rather excited to be a part of.

I lost my "bonus" grandfather on Thursday. I was lucky enough to have 8 grandparents at some point in my life. Well not exactly. I never knew my StepMother's mom. I barely knew my own mother's mother. Very strong women who even though I only knew one for a short period of time have impacted my life. But out of those 8, only 2 remain. My maternal Grandfather and my StepDad's mother.

The problem with a big huge large ginormous family? They can't last forever. Though truthfully I have tricked my mind into thinking that my immediate family is indeed going to. I have always wanted to live to be 100 years old.

But I want every other person related to me right there with me. Complettely unrealistic I am aware. However my delusions of grandeur have not allowed me to really process how horrific 100 just might be if I keep up this pace.

There is a resounding darkness in my life. It is death. I am not afraid of death for myself. I have no real qualms about it. I understand that one's time comes and one does not avoid, the end. (If you have seen a Final Destination or 5 you'd know that by now)

However, I have been exposed to death early and often. I was young when my grandmother passed away. I had a neighbor in a court I lived for a long time pass away. I recently lost my other Bonus Grandfather and my Paternal Grandmother and Grandfather.
I've lost two aunts, an uncle and most devastatingly, a best friend. Each of which I went to experience their funerals. My time to say goodbye. If I did not already get a chance to.

There in lies the problem. If I am only faced with the result and not the days weeks months, leading up to the end. I cannot wrap my head around it.

I feel as if the person was stolen from me.

Supremely selfish I am aware. I am consumed with the robbery. I cannot bring myself to an understanding that allows me to keep moving. Unless I must.

I am very good at putting on a brave face. My father taught me that one. And I can be other peoples rock. I can lift people as high as they are willing to go on my shoulders. I can support and remain positive for as long as necessary...for someone else. My mother taught me those traits.

For myself I go deep. I go dark. I can't see the way out. It's my way. I spiral down, and when all alone. Usually when I am driving.. my tears come. Quickly and ugly usually. I don't spend more than 10 minutes on one cry sesh and then I move on.

Unless I need more. And death.. usually requires more.
When I lost my best friend. It changed the way I felt about death.

She was so important to me. I loved her way of living. I love the way she affected people. I love the attitude she had. She was less of a best friend and more of a role model. I looked up to her. She was my age, but she was light years ahead of me.

I will never forget what I felt that day. It was a scene from a horror movie. The call, I dropped the phone and let out a guttural scream. I was "there" instantly. I called my father and uttered maybe 3 words.

"Nicole, she's.. gone"

I don't even think he understood them so he rushed home in the middle of the day to pick up his college aged daughter who was most definitely on the floor. Struggling to grasp any reason she would have been chosen to leave this earth.

I never did come to that understanding. I still would like to take it up with the man upstairs and claim he might have made a mistake.

I wear a blue bracelet, Every. Single. Day. to commemorate her. I think about her often. I talk to her mother and brother. I am at every event the foundation set up in her name, puts on. Her life affected me, her death will affect me for the rest of my life.

I hope writing this provides me with a bit of catharsis that I can continue today and not have a dark moment. I am heading to my family this evening to do the whole memorial thing in the next two days. Two days ago I flat out did NOT want to feel. I drank an entire bottle of wine to myself that night. No feeling. It was how I needed to cope. I knew it was coming.

I know my own soul and the way it works, and it hurts. I wanted to "feel" as little possible leading up to the fact that I knew I was going to be there tomorrow and Tuesday. Ugh. I don't even like writing about it because it makes it real.

On Tuesday I will get to say goodbye and hug and feel the support of many others who are saddened by our loss. And I will be much much better.


..stay tuned.

" Playoffs?!?! "

(Jim Mora Sr. said my title quote, if you recall from the Coors Light commercials. I found that out last night. He was the then coach of the Colts (which was probably shortly after the team was stolen from my hometown! ))

Whewww.. that last one was a doozy.. sorry folks.

I was totally thrown for a loop and did not expect that much emotion to spew out of me.
Which is apparently my new thing. I like, cry now.

That is a weird sentence. But follow me here.. Previously, short of a limb missing or a death in the family, tears really weren't my thing. I just didn't cry. I grew up in a family of "suck it up". And I always did.

But now for some reason. I cry. Things aren't going right with my boyfriend. I cry.
Movies make me tear up.

You know that damn show Paula Abdul is on now? Live to Dance I think it is. Yeah definitely felt the tight throat and the eyes started to well up.

So the other night when I was trying to find a way to get over the harsh realities of who I am related to and just may have the same tendencies as. I cried.

Only for like a minute tho. On the phone with my best friend. So whatever..now I gotta go be my normal tough girl self and watch my team get further into the Playoffs.

I am so freaking excited the last 3 years we have been in the Playoffs and I have more purple to wear than ever before.
It's actually starting to get alarming.

I've asked people to not purchase any more purple attire for me for a while. I am fearful of being.. "the purple girl" . In fact I watched an episode of.. some Style Network show where they re do your wardrobe and this lady was a purple lady.

The host was the daughter of a purple lady. It was very traumatizing. I do not want to get confused with those wack jobs who have purple frames, purple shoes and purple moo moos on..

But I also am superstitious about my sports teams and this year my superstition is that I cannot wear the Ravens logo and win. Though I have awesome jerseys and jackets adn scarves and hate and pants and sweatshirts and socks and cups and salt and pepper shakers (yeah that one is weird, but I plan on having my very own WOman cave and decorating it with all Baltimore stuffs) anywho. It's all invalid this year. Not able to wear drink from or use any logoed stuff.

So I carefully plan how I wear this purple and black combo.. In fact I need to do that now. The game is on in 2 hours. Gotta get a seat at my local watering hole.

Happy Playoffs!

...stay tuned.