Closure...

Three days ago, yesterday and thankfully not so far today; I have been a complete recluse. An emotional mess. I very rarely take a quick spiral down and cant pick myself up again. It took me until today to really get there. To not suck the life out of my own presence. I cancelled and avoided a social commitment I was rather excited to be a part of.

I lost my "bonus" grandfather on Thursday. I was lucky enough to have 8 grandparents at some point in my life. Well not exactly. I never knew my StepMother's mom. I barely knew my own mother's mother. Very strong women who even though I only knew one for a short period of time have impacted my life. But out of those 8, only 2 remain. My maternal Grandfather and my StepDad's mother.

The problem with a big huge large ginormous family? They can't last forever. Though truthfully I have tricked my mind into thinking that my immediate family is indeed going to. I have always wanted to live to be 100 years old.

But I want every other person related to me right there with me. Complettely unrealistic I am aware. However my delusions of grandeur have not allowed me to really process how horrific 100 just might be if I keep up this pace.

There is a resounding darkness in my life. It is death. I am not afraid of death for myself. I have no real qualms about it. I understand that one's time comes and one does not avoid, the end. (If you have seen a Final Destination or 5 you'd know that by now)

However, I have been exposed to death early and often. I was young when my grandmother passed away. I had a neighbor in a court I lived for a long time pass away. I recently lost my other Bonus Grandfather and my Paternal Grandmother and Grandfather.
I've lost two aunts, an uncle and most devastatingly, a best friend. Each of which I went to experience their funerals. My time to say goodbye. If I did not already get a chance to.

There in lies the problem. If I am only faced with the result and not the days weeks months, leading up to the end. I cannot wrap my head around it.

I feel as if the person was stolen from me.

Supremely selfish I am aware. I am consumed with the robbery. I cannot bring myself to an understanding that allows me to keep moving. Unless I must.

I am very good at putting on a brave face. My father taught me that one. And I can be other peoples rock. I can lift people as high as they are willing to go on my shoulders. I can support and remain positive for as long as necessary...for someone else. My mother taught me those traits.

For myself I go deep. I go dark. I can't see the way out. It's my way. I spiral down, and when all alone. Usually when I am driving.. my tears come. Quickly and ugly usually. I don't spend more than 10 minutes on one cry sesh and then I move on.

Unless I need more. And death.. usually requires more.
When I lost my best friend. It changed the way I felt about death.

She was so important to me. I loved her way of living. I love the way she affected people. I love the attitude she had. She was less of a best friend and more of a role model. I looked up to her. She was my age, but she was light years ahead of me.

I will never forget what I felt that day. It was a scene from a horror movie. The call, I dropped the phone and let out a guttural scream. I was "there" instantly. I called my father and uttered maybe 3 words.

"Nicole, she's.. gone"

I don't even think he understood them so he rushed home in the middle of the day to pick up his college aged daughter who was most definitely on the floor. Struggling to grasp any reason she would have been chosen to leave this earth.

I never did come to that understanding. I still would like to take it up with the man upstairs and claim he might have made a mistake.

I wear a blue bracelet, Every. Single. Day. to commemorate her. I think about her often. I talk to her mother and brother. I am at every event the foundation set up in her name, puts on. Her life affected me, her death will affect me for the rest of my life.

I hope writing this provides me with a bit of catharsis that I can continue today and not have a dark moment. I am heading to my family this evening to do the whole memorial thing in the next two days. Two days ago I flat out did NOT want to feel. I drank an entire bottle of wine to myself that night. No feeling. It was how I needed to cope. I knew it was coming.

I know my own soul and the way it works, and it hurts. I wanted to "feel" as little possible leading up to the fact that I knew I was going to be there tomorrow and Tuesday. Ugh. I don't even like writing about it because it makes it real.

On Tuesday I will get to say goodbye and hug and feel the support of many others who are saddened by our loss. And I will be much much better.


..stay tuned.

"Auntie Em! Auntie Em!"

So I wish I could show you just how I've got my computer set up for the sole sake of being connected again. I don't have a desk and things are just plugged in and shoved in the corner of my new room.
Yes, new room. Cuz lucky me I finally found a place to live. I was couch surfing for a while. I now have 3 and a half roommates and I am so excited to be in a place where I can hang things on the walls and be up until all hours of the night just doing whatever I want to be doing.

So the tornado is starting to slow down and the rainbow is shining.
Here is a list of shit that's happened recently that I cannot fathom trying to put into separate posts even though they've rocked my world enough to get multiple posts each.

My second job.. closed down. The doors were literally locked on Friday and I am out of my happy home there. I'm so sad. This place was amazing to me. I swore I would never be a waitress and when I finally caved and got this job I worked my way up and kicked ass and became friends with some truly good people. But everything happens for a reason right?? Seems like a pretty fucked up reason but I guess time will only tell. (Why do cliches always find their way in, in crappy situations?)

Broke up with BabyDaddy.. that's the nickname I will give him. Though he would not be my baby daddy.. my lack of babies would prove that. He and I will continue to navigate this weird space of admitting that both of us openly said and wanted to marry each other but somehow 5 months in we found it just wasn't gonna work. Now. I don't even think I will be revisited by these men with whom things don't work. But for some reason many people think that is how things will go down. Again, probably just euphamisms people are so used to saying despite reasoning. My mom is sad about this one. I know I know I know she really liked him. I feel bad for that. Littlest dude and my step dad liked him too. It was the baseball connection and the being older and having a child made him seem mature and ready for someone like me. So far from the truth. I don't think ANYONE is ready for this!

Moved into the new place, got bitched at for the way I left the last place. Which just crushed my soul but I am trying to make things right and just move on. I really just want to be settled and happy in a place for a while. No huge move and earth shaking things for a while. Seems crazy to ask for... but I am learning that since I never.. ever.. ever ask for anything from anyone that I never got anything either. Nothing was just going to be given to me. So as verbal as I usually am I am JUST NOW learning to use it to my advantage.

..stay tuned.. maybe I can manage to sit down and start clearly writing posts in the near future.. for now please be okay with mild ranting as I seriously hope to chill things out and live for a just a little while "under the radar"

..stay tuned.

Limbo. And not the good kind.

Not that there really is a good kind of limbo. Being a shorty limbo was always looked at like it had to be my thing. Right?I'm supposed to be good at this because my entire body's length doesn't quite pass your hips? No. Not the case. Spare me the oompa loompa reference and let's play a real game.

Anyway. I am in a crazy bit of limbo. Life Limbo. I pretty much get here every 8-12 months. It's fun you should try it. Here's how I do it. I live like a single 23 year old with no savings and incidentally I end up like a single 23 year old with no savings! Weird how that happens right?


I am so ready to do what I know I am supposed to be doing.There are glass ceilings and as much as I love Willy Wonka (the original) I do not have any sort of magic sideways moving, glass shattering elevator that can take me wherever I want to go. ( God would I love to live in that land.But NOT as an Oompa, I already told you that! I want to be Veruca Salt. Or maybe Charlie without the creepy family and the bypassed sexual deviance of one Gene Wilder.)

I figured out my calling a couple months back. Well about a year ago. I got a bit of planning done when the economy looked me straight in the face and said "beat this" . And I've been left helpless ever since.

Aw shit. I told you it aint playing fair. Like we are playing war (the card game, not for real war cuz I just made a peace sign cake that says "Make cake not war"!) and it comes time to flip over that third card( you know the part where your war cards tie and you face down three cards and the third one is the new war card)... The first two were Aces. So in my head I think " sweet if I just beat this third one then I will get two Aces, I'm unstoppable then".
Nope that slimy economy straight up pulled out a third Ace and beat my 7. Sure a lot of other cards beat my seven. But another Ace? No way. Gotta be cheating.

When I was a kid I would just flip all of my cards in the air and shout "cheater!" and I would have been done. Not now. I realize the stakes are more than just bragging rights with my siblings. This is life and I want all 52 damn cards! So I don't care how long this GD game takes..

My plan has now been to better my third card. Behind the scenes. Play the game of war a bunch more and get the decked stacked in my direction. To where I can bust out some face cards and kick the economy's ass. I just gotta wait until the stacks are a little more even. You know when I have maybe, oh I don't know, the ability to afford HEALTH INSURANCE. ( I haven't even mentioned the fifth and sixth wisdom teeth growing in my mouth. Yup you heard me. Got 4 removed two years ago. Now I got two more. NOT fair I tell you.)

So in the mean time I have taken up writing.(I've always been a writer, but just recently discovered the idea of actually doing something with the 10,000 poems, or lyrics or short stories that I write.)

Not only here on this blog (which is sure to gain me immediate infamy and tons of fortune to follow right?)but I am also writing children's books. While working two jobs I can't say that I am really writing them so much as scribbling down my ingenious text hoping that when I am finished I can look up and say "A book!"

and then a publisher will look at me and say "I want it!"
And then I will say "Okay that'll be a million dollars"
And then they will say "Done, now write some more!"

and then it will be a happy little circle that goes like that until I keel over.

and then I wont have to find myself attracted to 30 something men who are already well off and could take care of me. Sugar Daddies? Not for me. Unless that circle doesn't happen and then I might just have to actually date one of the men I keep consuming all my time with.


In the mean time it is Friday and I am sure it won't be another version of Fabulous Fridays (because those have tapered off and I die a little on the inside each week now that I have a new digital camera to capture all of it's glory.) But a Friday none the less. So off I go to try to figure out what conclusion job two came to about whether they are willing to give the employees free drinks or not. Because that will hugely affect whether I go to job two to drink or brother's job one. Because that is where I met cute 39 year old. (who incidentally now knows he is on my blog. Crap! ) But mostly because that is where BFF brother works and can get the hook up. I'm working both jobs tomorrow and am sure to disappear again until Tuesday or something. I apologize to my four followers. (I freaking love all of you!)

...stay tuned!

**Update** As much as I would like to believe I am a super cute fearless person (wait, I do whole heartedly believe the first part!). Bits of this post have been edited or removed. I apologize for the extreme vagueness throughout the post and the crazy card game analogy( I let you inside my head for God's sake, it can't all be pretty and sensical and shit.) but I have yet to find a creative way to post about real life events without getting my ass in trouble.It's not like Dooce. has taught me nothing!

I quit.

"so wanna hear about my newest love interest?" I ask my younger brother (who doubles as my best friend, when he isn't farting or snoring of course,then he is my greatest enemy)

"what is he like 85?" (valid question I suppose)

"Nope, but close" I answer

"Okay what like 40?" He asks again.

Without a word he looks at my face, sees the grin and flips his lid.
"what?!? are you serious?! I'm not talking to you anymore" And instantly he is gone.

My brother tells me all about his crazy life, why can't I tell him about mine? True the entire family was less than thrilled with my last boyfriend. Who just so happened to be 32. When I was 22.
So what?
I cannot help who I am attracted to! Right?!

Well after that didn't work. (my father affectionately referred to him as a pedophile within seconds of meeting him)Wonder why?


Before him there were other 30 somethings.. even before I was in my twenties.
(I am sensing a pattern here!)

Then came... a 30 something with 3 kids. Oh wait no. There was a 34 year old with 2 kids in Germany or wherever he was stationed.Then there was 3 kid guy. Who was super effing cute. And even let me drag him on the dance floor where his old guy moves did nothing for him except win points in my head for letting me drag him there in the first place. Found out he was closer to 40's and I am really not trying to be a step mom.


But somehow I am caught up with the 40 year old who may or may not have 6 kids. WHAT?!?
Did I cross the line of acceptable?
Who knows. ( seriously do you know, does anyone know? Is there a pill I can take?)
But I continue on my quest to figure out why I am not attracting twenty somethings. There is one that I work with...but damnit if he doesn't already date another girl I work with. Bitch. (I meeaaannnn)

Then there is the twenty something with his feet solidly on the ground (and stepping in piles of money)and just dorky enough to make you love him and just smart enough to make you hate him. Shocker we seem to have exact opposite schedules.


What is it with my life? Love is blind, uh huh. My heart knows no bounds, I get it. Blah Blah Blah.

I am tired of questioning myself. Will somebody just sweep me off my feet already?
And please for God's sake lie to me and tell me you are 29, for a while at least. Then you can drop the bombshell about the immense baggage you have.

I'm tired. I quit.


...stay tuned.

Fix-It Girl.

You're 12. And you have a super fabulous imagination. (Go with it.)

What would your super hero power be?

Now flash back to real life.

You're in 2008. You've got some not so super powers. What are they? What are you really? If you were a real life hero. Good, bad or ugly(I guess they aren't all heroes then but again, go with it.)

I would be... Fix-It Girl.

An unschooled, untrained slightly napoleon complexed little girl who ran around trying to patch things up. Prevention. Not my forte.

But once it's broken? Oh boy, oh boy. Let me at it. I will tell you everything thats wrong. And attempt.(usually failing miserably) to put the pieces back together.

The problem is.... I really am a bit like this. In real life you cant just put back the pieces. Humpty Dumpty doesn't get back up again. And I am NOT all the kings horses and all the kings men.

In relationships... this is where I falter most. I find the damaged, the weak (be careful, they parade around as the hot strong ones with big muscles) and as Tia said.. the "wounded-bird-boy-soul". Not all so apparent at first.

The last one...
He wasn't this sad sap looking to be saved. (To be fair, none of them are really, that's why it never works... (duh! that should be my moment of clarity right there!)) But he was a brooding, self sufficient, too proud, stubborn, southern gentleman. What I thrived on most was our differences. ( let me be clear, it's what I and I alone thrived on.)

I woke up every morning loving the fact that we could watch the same news or same whatever and have different views about it all. We were sensitive to each other's feelings. (At first) We debated about the world, about our own lives, about how our paths could have really crossed.

Pause. To amend that last statement. They never really crossed. We merely had paths that were close by each other that went along the same route for about...30 seconds... and we hopped back and forth on each other's path until it was time to part ways and go back to our own lives. It was in the cards, we were never meant to spend much time together. I know this and somehow I have a soft spot for him still. I think it's respect. He was an unwaivering soul who had a passion burning inside him and that was sexy as hell. But guess what, his passion wasn't for me. And I have been told that from a summer fling (but what the hell does he know?!) that what I really wanted was to see was a fire for me. Oh now, that's shocking. I've been read fairy tales all my life, forgive me for wanting a freaking prince charming!

Un-pause. Back to me wanting to save the world. Sadly. It just seems I enter into impossible situations on purpose. The crazier the better.
Because I am the calm drama-free one. I can bring a sense of sanity into these guys lives. Right?

Ehhhhhhhhhhhh (hear a loud obnoxious buzzer)

Let me give you examples. (Mostly so you can laugh at how ridiculous I am.)

*Over 30. Has to be. It seems to be a rule. They don't all look it but they all are.

**Crazy love life drama... for example, in the middle of a separation, or has 3 kids, or is caught up on the ex.

***Got Baggage...i.e. kids, crazy ex, life in ruin,work drama, mommy issues etc.

****The quiet more reserved type, that seem to be attracted to the younger crazy loud girl who loves life. (Me)
Still don't understand that one yet. I get why I am attracted to them. But why the hell are they falling for me? (Because they want to be saved right? Oh will I ever learn?)

So in the end, it seems as though I have diagnosed my problem. I am fix-it girl. I can;t however, even fix my own fix-it obsession. For now I will stay single. Until an unsuspecting little girls gets lured into a relationship that is broken beyond repair...before she's even met him.

Dangsies.

...stay tuned.