One small step..

There's a point in which you start to question every single move you've ever made. I'm not there, I'm past it. I feel as though I've been walking for miles and the street lamps went out, I have no flashlight and I am literally making things up as I go. I am maybe slightly better in the quest to beat this depression. I am happy I have my family. I am still really irritable, I am upset a lot and I rarely find myself genuinely laughing. I miss myself. I think about times where I probably would have laughed and feel like a ghost above my body yelling "laugh you idiot, that was funny! " I finally uttered the words to Tony that I feel like I am battling depression. He had a little bit to say but basically that he was dealing with the same stuff at times and kinda just, get over it. I tried to explain how extremely out of character this feels for me. That some days waking up around 9 and slothing around til 1 and then napping is grotesque to me but seemingly impossible to surmount. I am still alone though the feeling is not as striking as it was a few months back. I have glommed on to Tony and probably to the detriment of our relationship. But I'm hopeful we can see this through. The big ticker is for me to find a job down here. I know that with routine will come some reprieve. I am trying to fix that as soon as possible. Because once I run out of money, there will be literally nothing holding me in place. I;m still struggling with A but having Tony around helps a ton. I just cant be with her every single. second. and I am right now, but again as soon as I have income I will have a way to pay for her to go to daycare. I don't really know if this post has a point other than , i feel like I've taken at least ONE step in the right direction. I don't feel a ton better but something seems to be making sense. I am hopeful for tomorrow and each passing day to see some light that will shine bright and continue to show me the path to wellness. I have never known a fight like the internal battle I face each day in this body and with this mind. I long for the days of my exuberance and eternal optimism. I know I will see that person again. I cant wait to share her with the people in my life now who dont know her. She's me. ....stay tuned.

Wowza.!

Well, I've gotten zero percent better since the last time I wrote. I didn't really try, I got outside and went for a bike ride with Tony and Adri. It was great, we went to the park. Sadly I still don't feel like i enjoyed much. Let me back up a bit... On Sunday I went to the baby shower for Emily and spent time with my mom's family. I had put off scheduling any plans for the day because Tony said Nino was coming in to town and he wanted to play it by ear. So somehow our lines got crossed, apparently my cell phone is not working optimally and I waited for a long time to hear from him so opportunities started going out the window. I was upset and when the option of hanging out with the Namans and cooking out and seeing D and baby Dominic came up I needed to pursue it. I am extremely lonely, that is a huge motivator to where I choose to spend my time. These are people I feel comfortable around so I don't have to be awkward in starting new relationships. Which is what I am trying to do up here in Baltimore. I am so confused by this because I've always had friends, lots of them. I must've alienated myself so badly that I no longer have a group of people I go out and choose to spend my time with. This is huge for me. I used to like to be alone, because so often I was surrounded by tons of people. So now that I'm not surrounded, being alone is every day and now I have to think about forming new relationships. Some of that is necessity, if I don't start creating relationships I will literally fall over and die. I cannot go on the way I am now. Part of it is also to learn to enjoy life. Laughing with friends is some of the best times I've ever had so I must seek that out again. Can I just tell you I've let my phone die and I haven't answered it at all. I tried to take some supplements to help boost my mood. It didnt go as planned. I've been doing research to see what options there are out there to help me get myself out of this depressive state. I have no option to go see a doctor so I need to do this au naturale. I found lots of info about Omega 3's and daily multi-vitamins to start helping my improve my mood. I ran upstairs and threw down a fish oil pill, realized I was a bit hungry but I wanted to start the mood boost immediately so I then went on to the multivitamin... Well it got stuck in my throat. Like really really. Obstructing my airway and all. I started coughing and it moved into place more, I could still breathe because I was choking and coughing still but my body was freaking out, trying to cough it out or swallow it, finally i got it down and could start to breathe normally again. My head is pounding and my eyeballs are all red from busting some capillaries I guess. I was honestly moving towards my phone to call 911 because I was choking and alone. It really freaked me out. And then that boost of adrenaline on top of what I had just swallowed probably did not make a good combination because I went downstairs to eat a banana and a few bites in I felt nauseous. I've tried to just sit and rest but I'm shaking and borderline going to vomit. So today feels like a massive failure but I'm going to look up how to take these supplements better so I can try again tomorrow. I will get outside and get more sunshine and I am writing in here so I may be on my way to feeling better soon. If anyone has any tips or tricks to taking supplements and keeping them down please feel free to drop me a line and let me know how the heck to do this because I feel like shit right now and that is the opposite of what I was going for! Alright folks, i think it's time to take a break but I will be back soon! Thanks for staying tuned!

Shit just got real.

Here's the thing... Every time I think I have a handle on things, life seems to throw me a curve. And that damn Rascal Flatts song doesn't always play in my "yeah life throws ya curves, but you learn to swerve" I have been repeatedly getting bashed in the head with a particular set of curves coming my way and since I didn't seem to get it I think they ended up much like a Nascar race and I was just going in circles at a really high speed. Guess what was missing. Go ahead, guess. No, not a man. Cuz he's never been part of my picture. (have you EVER read a blog of mine?!!!) Not some magical awesome thing that always grounds me, wait yes, yes that's exactly what was missing. That thing happens to be, writing. blogging. YOU GUYS! I am a writer. I have pushed this part of me out for SOOOOOOO long that I became depressed. Well, I became depressed because I lost my Grandfather in August and just a few days ago realized I never grieved the loss. Don't get me wrong, I was sad. But other than at the funeral I never let myself feel anything. Nothing. And for the last 8 months I had continued that numbness into every day life. I was irritable ( I AM, still very irritable) I am fatigued... ALL the time. Of course I have a 2 year old who has more attitude than the entire cast of Clueless. So I kept dismissing this. I knew a few months back that nothing was making me laugh. I realized I was numb, but I didn't understand why yet. I have successfully avoided any and all opportunities to further my Real Estate Career. I've been a shit business owner. I have done just good enough of a job to suffice for a week. And then I let that week bleed, and I guess I'm a bit of a hemophiliac because bleed it did. And I've been falling reaching for earth for realness, for anything to snap me out of this place. I've gotten apps. My favorite one is Headspace, but even that I cannot commit to doing every day. I tried the app Super Better but didn't want to do the portion which invited "allies" into my issue. I've looked up a few natural cures on depression. Looked up several different ways to find out if it was indeed depression that was causing me to be so utterly distant from the body I woke up in every morning. I tried to hug my daughter harder. To smile and watch her interact with her Dad and see how heartwarming life was in those moments. I acknowledged it but never FELT warmed. I tried putting exercise into my life. This was the one thing that seemed to start to make a difference. I still am not in a routine that I'm proud of yet. Not quite exercising every day consistently or doing a consistent exercise that makes me feel good. I'm also not drinking enough red wine that constitutes as exercise yet either. I mean one or the other is good enough for me right. I lost my taste for red wine. I seriously reached out to my online Mom group to ask what the hell to do about that. Naturally my wine drinking Mombies told me to push through. So I tried and I can stomach a glass or red wine occasionally these days but only when I consciously think about it. Anyway, point is. Here I am. Writing. Being honest, raw, hopeful, long winded. :) Anything to help me get better. Look forward to more blog posts because this momma ain't going down easy. Well, I went down pretty easy but I am going to get the hell back up and be awake and alive and energized and the best damn real estate agent/single mom/badass I ever was. I can't wait and I am so glad you all are a part of this process. ....stay tuned!

Well HELLO Life! You're nothing like what I had imagined..

THIS is why I keep a blog... To be able to read back exactly what I was dealing with in these moments because the great thing about the human mind is that these crazy hurtful moments do indeed dissipate. Now let me have you laugh for a moment. Cuz Lord knows I can't. I mean I chuckled, but at my own misfortune. The second to last blog about the guy I met... I got knocked up by him. He then told his crazy ex about my pregnancy before even most of our families knew. She went crazy again and 3 YEARS later here we are. He is insane, a complete pain in the ass and not at all someone I should have ignored my intuition with. However, I now get to raise my incredibly intelligent sweet little girl. I just have to do it with him. And this my dear sweet readers, will be my life's challenge. But isn't it funny to look back and read a post about this girl who threw my world into a tailspin because I liked her EX boyfriend. Now she's getting married and I'm raising a kid with a guy we both would eventually like to forget ever happened. I don't think she'd trade places with me to save her life. Oh I guess I got a bit of karma there, but I do wonder what I did to deserve someone so completely different than myself. Someone so unwilling to see the light in life and be happy and seek out moral goals. We are no where near the same page most of the time. We somehow have great rapport, a strong foundation in which to see each other twice a week raising our kiddo and haven't killed each other yet. Or even tried. It's a 2015 miracle. Because the hits keep on coming with this guy, he's flawed to say the least. I know I am too. I am just laughing over how different I sounded three years ago. Happy to have met someone. I am perpetually single again these days, again by choice. I don't plan to give that up for the next smooth talking guy who comes my way. I've seen what happens, people get pregnant that way folks. hashtag real talk. Yup I just blogged a hashtag. Time for me to make my exit. I have no clue if I plan to continue to blog. But this was a nice exercise in holy shit life changes and reading a blog about your own idiot decisions to stir the pot have a funny way of coming back around. Let me be clear. I am absolutely head over heels in love with my daughter. She, alone keeps me in the mindset of knowing this was all meant to be. She's perfect and I couldn't imagine her being anything but an amazing combination of her father and myself. We have come a long long way from those days of arguing over the crazy ex sending out mass text messages about me. But we're still two fallible people parenting one amazing child. And this is my catharsis to keeping it real. And ranting about bullshit like the fact that my dumb ass wrote about swearing off men for several months, met a man and he was THE wrong man and here I am years later to acknowledge. My gut is never.... SERIOUSLY NEVER WRONG. There's so much more going on that I have to cheer about, If I can muster up the time to post I will and I will keep you all laughing and hopefully only partially at my misery. But mostly at funny things that happen to OTHER people... God I love you all. "you" may not even be one single human but the internet, as a space to put this shit is pretty profound. My inner workings are here for all or none to see. And unless I make them disappear they'd be here forever. Cool. ...stay tuned.

What had happen was...

I just opened a beer.. sat on the couch and started Facebooking. Ugh what kinda world are my kids gonna grow up in?

Do you ever worry about the type of relationships we build these days?

Yeah me neither. I am just kidding. I am welcoming social media with full force in 2012. I have been reading more and more things with these cautionary tales of using social media. There is a commercial out there asking "do you really want all of your friends to see this?" um yeah bitch I do. Thats the whole freaking point.

Yeah I've blogged about how difficult it is to remain anonymous and yet involve your friends and family in your endeavors but it's something that is the blogger, tweeter and facebooker must deal with. I think we are all learning the twists and turns of what our technological connections can throw our way. I know for sure that my family alone, on my Dad's side, there are multiple bloggers in our family and it's how we stay in touch. I follow my sister's blog who lives close to me and we see each other a lot. But it's life in twenty twelve.

So here's a link to all my families blogs..
so you can see what it's like to be one of seemingly hundreds in my family.

My cousin Erin who moved into Baltimore City,

My sister Melanie who is into everything as a newlywed and super dog owner.

My cousin Megan..who seriously is a gypsy.
God love her, I'm pretty sure she's in Nevada now.. but I'll have to check on that.


Okay so I'm pretty sure that isn't all of them.. I have to get more info to even keep up. But I love these people and I love that we all blog in this day and age I don't know how else I would see or hear from these people.

Oh yeah I learned how to Skype the other day.. randomly skyped with my aunt Jeanne. Yeah so I've been blogging for YEARS before it was the norm but I definitely missed the Skype boat.. but I'm here now!

Also I'm gonna go ahead and say my Twittering is the best around. It kills my younger brother that I get more replies and retweets from famous people than he does. Muhahahaha, sibling rivalry in the 21st century.

..stay tuned

With a bang..

I dont do a good job of posting things that deserve to be posted about. I sit and think about the post that I will write and never get around to it.
Worst.
Blogger.
Ever.

I get it. But I think that if this recent drama in my life is not worth posting about then nothing is. So here it is, the beginning of 2012 and I'm going to share with you a story of how my 2011 ended.

I've been single for months and months now... almost a year actually. And not due completely to the fact that I hadn't found anyone or they hadn't found me. I had this one poor boy who loved me. I coulda put a leash on him cuz he was like my puppy dog. Which is super unappealing to me and I put the kibosh on that. Then there were a couple more who along the way either took me out, talked about taking me out or I just ended up out with them.

But nothing was to happen. Per my desires to stay single. I really got the vibe that that's what was meant to happen. Then I got the news about my child bearing abilities. Then I made a plan.

Dear sweet lord I never thought I would be one of those girls. The "you're interrupting my plan I can't date you this may be the plot of a romantic comedy" kinda girl. Ugh I hated those girls. Just live life honey!

Oh wait. I'm planning when and where and how I'm going to adopt my children in the next couple years. That can't possibly happen without a plan. Yup yup I am one of them.

So of course just to knock me on my ass I've met someone. With whom I really enjoy spending time with. He makes me completely at ease. We've spent the last couple of weeks together and I decided I was gonna be his roommate. He has a nice new place and I was gonna get some room to breathe and things would all work out perfectly.
Yeah effing right... I must've dozed off into dreamland with that thought process cuz that is SOOO not what happened.

We caused quite a stir at the idea of us being roommates. I have yet to mention that his ex-girlfriend was a friend of mine. Now let me clarify that statement. It wasn't friends like oh my gosh I miss you let's hang out kinda friends. She moved to the left coast and I may never have seen her again. Time would only tell.

Well f*&^ time because I saw her again, she came back into town and decided that I was a bitch and a half because I was moving in with her ex blahhh blahh blahhh.
But I was only to be his roommate. Why the hell was I getting so much flak for this?
I wasn't dating him, we'd become closer and I thought I was going to gain a PIC out of this not a boyfriend SHEESH.

So I patch things up with her. We go on our merry way, get the big group of girls together and laugh about it.

Flipping DAYS later the whole effing script has changed. What I would not allow myself to think of, where I would not go with my thoughts had to finally happen. I went there. But mostly because SHE kept involving me in their bulls*&T drama. Telling me what they talk about blahhh blahh blahh. He let it out that he has feelings for me. And then his besty pulls me aside one night and tells me the same thing.

Oh shit.
Now I start thinking about it all. And when he called me to pour his heart out and tell me how he felt about me I could not resist. I knew that I had been hiding similar feelings but I had NO effing clue what to do about them. So like a stubborn mule I just didn't think about them. They didn't go away but I didn't have to own them. I was truthful in what I was saying to people about NOT being interested in him. Cuz my thoughts had NEVER gone there prior to that night.

Well let's fast forward to the good part. It's out there nowm between he and I. We've decided we are going to date.
But the logistics of his "not so sane" ex being in town were a little tricky.
And within a day or two, she has sent her spies in, they give her the intel and boom it's out there to the world. The whole story I had before about not dating him has changed and I look like a lying whore.. (her words)

Well she isn't of sound mind and body so she puts me on major blast. She takes to any social media outlet she can. She screams and cries and whines and shouts from the roof tops her feelings on the subject. And NONE of them were less than pure hatred.
She sends out a mass text to EVERYONE we mutually know about how I am "banging" (again, her words) her ex.

Great so now my stomach starts to drop and I've got no where to run. This girl ends up spending the next 48 hours making my life hell. She loses her MIND. And makes sure she lets everyone see her do it. She is hate posting, hate texting and more.

Now if you've read my posts before you may notice I'm a tough broad with a really sensitive interior. My moral compass is usually dead on and I cannot stray from it. I leapt with my heart on this one and moral compass be damned for a moment.

I can tell you that stress, fear and sadness are NO way to start a brand new relationship. I about vomited, cried and just plain broke down multiple times. The physical toll that this took on my body was insane. I didn't eat for two days, therefore I was extremely lethargic. I couldn't focus I was paranoid as to what crazy thing she would do next. I honestly hated every moment of being awake. I was scared and I could only wait it out.

I sat and spoke with him about it all, he saw the stress in my face, he tried to ease my burden but he was the ex she was still in love with. He could do no wrong in her eyes. She was dead set on making ME pay for this alone.

We laughed about it when she got really crazy and said things that didn't make sense.
We bickered a little bit about how to handle things.
We got through it. Together. It actually brought us a little closer.

So I guess there is an upside to everything. But harassment is no joke. I get it now. I honestly was moments away from calling the police because my life and my job is stressful enough, I was near core melt down and it was not going to be pretty.

Cut to today, where I've woken up after ringing in the new year with my new boyfriend. And we are still happy as clams together.
I am completely lost in my own thoughts of ALL of my fears of just how this relationship started and whether or not that was a healthy foundation to start on or not, but I'm going for broke. He treats me like a queen, he respects the hell out of me and he is a stubborn ass. I couldn't have asked for more!

I was single for a long time because I knew I wanted to be. I know that I want to be with him now.

and let's face it, I do what I want.


...stay tuned.

For you my friend...

This one is for you.
I know you'll read it eventually. And I unfortunately can't blog like I used to. It's toxic. It's hurt people, and it was never my intent. As is with this post. Truthful and emotional, yes but I hope you don't find hurtful at all.
But you have to know that I've both cried and yelled at my computer as I wrote this. I don't know what my intention is putting this out there. But I know that you shared with me some of your inner most thoughts recently. And I'll share some of mine at this time.


Here I sit, thinking….about all you’ve given to me to think about. You’ve once again presented the fundamental issue with you and/or all relationships. You only want what you can’t have. I served it to you on a platter. We’ve had this back and forth. Years and years we’ve built this relationship. I felt like It was me against the world plenty of times, but I had a secret weapon. You. You listened; you made me feel like I could handle anything. You were an amazing confidant. But you used it against me. You learned more and more about me and somehow kept your distance. You let me feel like at some point I could make you believe I was different. And there I sat, I watched you in your relationships. So many of them, and you easily showed how lackluster your feelings were towards these women. You obviously shared something with each of them. You are way more sensitive than you let on. And that’s fine. But you let each of them feel what I have sworn I will never let anyone make me feel. It may be a defense mechanism, but I refuse to be part of a less than stellar relationship. It’s just not how I see my cards being played. I want the world. I want a partner in crime. My best friend who is there for me, always. And that’s what I thought we were building. Though you don’t remember it the way I do, I distinctly remember telling you I loved you. I cared so deeply about you. I know I let you in on that. But you took it, and, well I’m not sure what you did with that information. You probably didn’t believe it. Because for some crazy reason you’ve got this notion that with the insane amount of intellect and humor and kindness that you possess that it’s not enough for me. Or your best friends sister. He may be my big brother, and I , his little sister. But I deserve everything imaginable and I get to decide what is or is not enough for me. Not anyone else. And it’s a cop out to let yourself believe that you aren’t enough for someone else.
I am both pissed off and relieved. I hate that it’s now. You waited until I said over and over again that the ship has sailed. And like I told you, I didn’t necessarily believe it then. But I made myself. And It’s become the truth. And I also have mixed feelings about the night we slept together. You told me it was gonna happen. For years. And I refused it, we never had the timing right. And I’m glad it didn’t happen back then. I would have been the one that was crushed the next day. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I had let you have every single piece of me and it not have turned into something. That night was my own way to finally let you have all of me, but I wasn’t going to get hurt. I never intended to hurt you then. But I can’t say that I feel terribly about the way you felt after one single night. Even the following days you never shouted from the roof tops. You didn’t really lead me to believe that you were thinking about me more than any other girl you just spent the night with. The days after were ANOTHER chance you for say one goddamn thing that proved something. I don’t want a text. A sweet little reminder of a night that I was looking for nothing.
You say you had this rush of amazement you were happy and remember every moment of that night and following days. I felt nothing. Truthfully, what I wanted that night and what you could give me, were two different things. In the past, it would have been enough. It would have made me as elated as it made you. But you spent YEARS pushing whatever you may or may not have felt about me away enough with lame excuses and flirtatious behavior that kept me coming back. I want to cry right now writing this. Because what you said to me last night was what I wanted to hear. Years ago.
Like I said. It’s not enough now. I know that part of me has given up on love. I feel more alone than ever. I have no partner to bounce ideas off of. I am coming to grips with the idea that I’ve dreamed of, is just that. A dream.It’s not reality and my future lies more in my to be adopted children. I know that I may never find a love sufficient enough to ease my soul. I want it all. You had so much of me. You had to have known that. I was willing to build the rest. I am no longer willing to start over and try to build something. I don’t want to. It’s not fair. I am hurt. I am crushed.
And yet, I’m unscathed. I know this way, the way in which I had to shut it down and walk away. Was the best way. I could not have handled life after the fact with my brothers best friend looming around as I floundered if we had tried and failed at a relationship.
You say you never felt like enough, you could have been. Your attempt at letting me know this now, is not enough. I don’t know why you told me all those things last night. I sat there calmly, almost unemotional at times, while listening to you. But it did and does hurt.
Cuz time shouldn’t be the only factor. But when it’s been drawn out. It’s exhausting and I don’t have the energy to let myself be loved. It’s quite sad really. We talked about self-sabotage, and we are both extremely good at it. I think you wanted me to know that I drove you a little crazy those days. That I hurt you. But I still don’t think anything about what you told me was action oriented. You still wouldn’t do anything to make your feelings come to fruition.
I’m sorry for both of us. We’ve been there for each other plenty of times. For that I am thankful. That’s all we will ever be. With a tremendous amount of respect for each other.

Right as Rain

I just reread the last two posts. And they could not have more different tones.

One speaks of happiness and joy and how everyday I strive to be there. To smile about something. It is usually rather easy for me.

and then

the most recent post speaks to my darker tones that are always there but not always at the surface. And that's just who I am.

Those two posts probably describe me most completely. I am one person with multiple sides. My favorite side is the happy go lucky side that lives for each day and is thankful for every stinkin thing that is positive in her life.
I can't think of another way to be.

Except when I am. Dark and emotional and in need of a lent hand to pull me out.
I will probably never ask for such a hand. But if I find there is a person in my life who grows to love me and knows all of me inside and out. They will hopefully be able to be that hand. Cuz I could have used a dominating force yesterday to throw the covers off of me and tell em to get my ass out of bed and stop wallowing.

So I may not have a type of man. I do have specific character traits that he will need. The ability to pick me out of my rabbit hole when life is behind me chasing me into it.


..stay tuned.

Closure...

Three days ago, yesterday and thankfully not so far today; I have been a complete recluse. An emotional mess. I very rarely take a quick spiral down and cant pick myself up again. It took me until today to really get there. To not suck the life out of my own presence. I cancelled and avoided a social commitment I was rather excited to be a part of.

I lost my "bonus" grandfather on Thursday. I was lucky enough to have 8 grandparents at some point in my life. Well not exactly. I never knew my StepMother's mom. I barely knew my own mother's mother. Very strong women who even though I only knew one for a short period of time have impacted my life. But out of those 8, only 2 remain. My maternal Grandfather and my StepDad's mother.

The problem with a big huge large ginormous family? They can't last forever. Though truthfully I have tricked my mind into thinking that my immediate family is indeed going to. I have always wanted to live to be 100 years old.

But I want every other person related to me right there with me. Complettely unrealistic I am aware. However my delusions of grandeur have not allowed me to really process how horrific 100 just might be if I keep up this pace.

There is a resounding darkness in my life. It is death. I am not afraid of death for myself. I have no real qualms about it. I understand that one's time comes and one does not avoid, the end. (If you have seen a Final Destination or 5 you'd know that by now)

However, I have been exposed to death early and often. I was young when my grandmother passed away. I had a neighbor in a court I lived for a long time pass away. I recently lost my other Bonus Grandfather and my Paternal Grandmother and Grandfather.
I've lost two aunts, an uncle and most devastatingly, a best friend. Each of which I went to experience their funerals. My time to say goodbye. If I did not already get a chance to.

There in lies the problem. If I am only faced with the result and not the days weeks months, leading up to the end. I cannot wrap my head around it.

I feel as if the person was stolen from me.

Supremely selfish I am aware. I am consumed with the robbery. I cannot bring myself to an understanding that allows me to keep moving. Unless I must.

I am very good at putting on a brave face. My father taught me that one. And I can be other peoples rock. I can lift people as high as they are willing to go on my shoulders. I can support and remain positive for as long as necessary...for someone else. My mother taught me those traits.

For myself I go deep. I go dark. I can't see the way out. It's my way. I spiral down, and when all alone. Usually when I am driving.. my tears come. Quickly and ugly usually. I don't spend more than 10 minutes on one cry sesh and then I move on.

Unless I need more. And death.. usually requires more.
When I lost my best friend. It changed the way I felt about death.

She was so important to me. I loved her way of living. I love the way she affected people. I love the attitude she had. She was less of a best friend and more of a role model. I looked up to her. She was my age, but she was light years ahead of me.

I will never forget what I felt that day. It was a scene from a horror movie. The call, I dropped the phone and let out a guttural scream. I was "there" instantly. I called my father and uttered maybe 3 words.

"Nicole, she's.. gone"

I don't even think he understood them so he rushed home in the middle of the day to pick up his college aged daughter who was most definitely on the floor. Struggling to grasp any reason she would have been chosen to leave this earth.

I never did come to that understanding. I still would like to take it up with the man upstairs and claim he might have made a mistake.

I wear a blue bracelet, Every. Single. Day. to commemorate her. I think about her often. I talk to her mother and brother. I am at every event the foundation set up in her name, puts on. Her life affected me, her death will affect me for the rest of my life.

I hope writing this provides me with a bit of catharsis that I can continue today and not have a dark moment. I am heading to my family this evening to do the whole memorial thing in the next two days. Two days ago I flat out did NOT want to feel. I drank an entire bottle of wine to myself that night. No feeling. It was how I needed to cope. I knew it was coming.

I know my own soul and the way it works, and it hurts. I wanted to "feel" as little possible leading up to the fact that I knew I was going to be there tomorrow and Tuesday. Ugh. I don't even like writing about it because it makes it real.

On Tuesday I will get to say goodbye and hug and feel the support of many others who are saddened by our loss. And I will be much much better.


..stay tuned.

Dance! Monkey!

I don't know why I didn't post this at the time.. it was months ago... but here it is.. a little insight into what it was like to stop working two jobs. Which tends to be very often for me. As a matter of fact I ended it by saying don't let me get another 2nd job before January. Welp, it's January and I'm pretty sure by March I will be working as a bev cart girl at some golf course. Second jobs here I come again.. oh crap.I'm an idiot.. but anyway back to the point.. I had JUST left my second job hostessing at a really super crazy strict restaurant in my area. And I hated every minute of the actual job, but the people and social factor were incredible.... enjoy.


Do you hear the music?
Imagine a ring master, some elephants and feathered ladies, clowns and more.
It's circus music.

I just left my second job and as I was leaving I learned something very interesting.
I am a character.

DOUBLE YOU TEA EFF. Um, I totally knew this. Or did I? I've been told this many a time in my life. My personality is larger than life. I am five foot nothing and I want nothing more than to entertain the world. The way I see it is if you're not smiling you better be making me smile. I mean shit. There is too much crap goin on that if I can't make the best of it. We are all fucking doomed.
Just sayin.

So anyway. Between here, my Twitter account and real life interactions. I apparently entertain the shit out of people.

So as I was leaving, I am being reminded of hilarious moments of my short lived time at JobTwo.
Here's a highlight reel.

I went on a date with a co worker. (It's all girls at the host stand, we giggled, we imagined, we gossiped)
I refused multiple other dates with many other co workers.
I openly professed my love for a taken man.
I did the robot from the host stand to a table, with a line of gentlemen following in the act.
I spoke in an English accent to confuse people.
I spoke in an English accent to irritate the shit out of people.
I danced, on my female managers, and commonly in front of kitchen staff, with whom no words were spoken.
I told stories, loudly, often cussing in front of my superiors.
I let my co worker feel my boobs in the middle of the restaurant cuz he said he wanted to.
I did my job incredibly well and made other people feel bad about it.
I wore clothes into the building, knowing I would leave wearing them, and my favorite boys were the only ones who would see me leaving.

OH man, almost makes me long for the good ol days.
Wait?!?! What. No. I seriously just left. I have had ONE week of this whole, ONE job thing. I should probably savor it.

I give it about two effing weeks before I'm bouncing off the walls, for the love of Pete, someone punch me in my head if I try to get another job before January.

I'm counting on you folks!

Climbing the Ladder

So um, this whole growing up thing?

When does it start? Pretty sure I'm right in the middle of this whole thing and its a lit-tle weird.
I got a big girl job.

I left my crazy 18 hour days for a promotion in the most positive direction I could possibly imagine.

I get to love my class and each class in my building while managing the staff and all the paper worky type stuff that makes my OCD brain happy.
This makes me insanely happy.

Which brings me to a side note... I am such a happy camper. I am seriously easy to please. Why the HELL is that a problem for men to wrap their little tiny brains around? I do some girlie things, like complain. And shop, and obsess over my weight. But I honestly could find something to smile about for the rest of my life, each and every single day.And it is my goal to do just that.I also love to bring that simplistic joy to those around me as well. So is it the fact that I can already do that that scares people? I have no freaking clue. Side note over.and breathe.

But anyway, this promotion kind of came abruptly. Even so that my resume is not where it should be and the big big boss that hired me is keeping an eye on me so my credentials get taken care of so I can stay in my position. Which is awesome. I love having a fire under my ass. But wow. I got promoted.

Someone jump up and down for me. This is super exciting. I, for the first time ever allowed myself to be open and pushed myself in the right direction to get to where I want to be. (wohoo, go meeeee,yep, singing and dancing to myself, NBD)
I even made it clear to my boss and our bigger boss that I want to do it all. I want to run the world. And there is open knowledge of this plan.

Another thing I never did before. I am sharing my plans and I am goal setting. Mark my words, I will be back in Baltimore within 2 years running my own center.

I long so much to be with my youngest brother as he goes through high school and after that I lose him. It's crazy to think of 5 years from now. I mean he will be going to college. But he literally just had his first day of 8th grade today. I might need to slow my role here. But the idea behind it all is goal setting. Not fretting about the future. I have a place I want to be in my life.

But I need to put on the brakes for a little. I just got my new role and I want to be the best at it first before I can even think about taking on everything else.
And I worked my ass off with two jobs to get here. I was a zombie for quite some time. I didn't really have a social life.I swore off men.
(I did go on one, fantastic rained out picnic turned ice skating date) ( I did go knocking on the door of the past) ( I did flirt my ass off, knowing I wasn't going to give any relationship a second glance) ( I did long for having it all) (I don't regret a moment)


.. so here I am. Happy and Successful and though I felt a little odd in this place, for just a moment, I've started to settle in. To my new role.

Because if I haven't been discovered yet, I guess I will just keep playing myself in this movie called Life.

Surrender Dorothy

another interesting post I never chose to post.. I am not sure why. Maybe because I was scared to put it out there. That I desperately want all the great things that come to shitty ass people. The love of a lifetime. And yet I felt like if I said it out loud, or really wanted it that I could never have it. I had to let it go.. and I did. And here I am, in the midst of another relationship. This one however.. I have no pattern for, we are not the same couple that I was in previous relationships.
And I am so okay with that. But it's always crazy for me to go back and read these things and see just how I felt at a certain time. I can remember feeling like this. Giving up. And I did. I let it effing go. I may have pushed it off a cliff even.

So here is the raw truth of why and how and when I let it go...



The Wicked Witch of the West was kind of a bitch. Writing evil messages in the sky and all.

But when Oprah says it, I listen. And she has said the same thing the Wicked Witch once said. "Surrender"
Now I'm not much of a crier but all this leavin Oprah's been doin has been a little much for me.
That woman is full of unbelievable wisdom. I heard her say, that when you've done all you can do, pray, ask for , beg , try out, hope, wish, settle for, solicit, and all else you can think of. Surrender. Let go of what you you have been dying to come your way and release it to the world. Give it up to God is what she said. And I can't help but be in that mind set.
I've recently felt like I am a piece of crap for sticking to this mantra.
In the process, I have shut off all options that may or may not be knocking at my door. I can't apologize for this.

I have let it go, I honestly truly felt like I had done everything the correct way as far as love goes. I've worked hard, I've been bold and brazen, I've been calm and collected, I've been trepidatious I've been balls to the walls, I've been super supportive, I've done my own thing, I've held my tongue, I've said all that needs to be said, and everything in between.

And yet, my heart feels like it was ripped out by a one two punch. I would have to say I fall for pretty much anyone I am with. I don't date people I don't see a future with. So once I start dating someone I tend to easily envision life in rapid motion.

But I don't want any part of who I was with the last two. I was happy. But I was a girl who wasn't really seeing clearly I suppose. Love will do that to ya.
I went from one boy to the next and I thought one of them had the answers for me. For the life I had envisioned.

Insert husband here.

But hell, I wasn't trying to get married. I mean maybe eventually but hot damn, I couldn't have scared them away by talking about weddings and stuff cuz I wasn't talking about that crap.

So anyway, back to my point.
I feel like the bad guy now. I feel like I've done to others what may have been done to me. How do I stop this cycle of people who want attention but not a relationship. Who think they are clear but clearly not.
Who say one thing, and do that thing, but wink while they're doin it.

I don't want to apologize, cuz I don't feel what I am doing is wrong.
I wanted so badly the happy family, outwardly or just inward that it shaped my thoughts and actions. I didn't get it. I got thrown a curve ball and I feel like I am dealing with it appopriately.I have to let go
Oprah said so people!

So away it goes, my lust for love.
and I'm cool with it.

So, in conclusion, my bad if I seem like a selfish bitch who wants nothing to do with anything to do with a relationship. I'll see if the ends justify the means, and until Oprah directs me to do otherwise I'm riding myself of all want for the things that aren't mine.

...stay tuned.

Ello Brovah

He is my bestest friend.
He is my twenty something younger brother.
This morning he calls me, I don't answer. I was at work at 6am, i forget to call him on my break. He calls again after I've made my way into JobTwo. I see his missed calls after one last night as well I finally call him back on my way home.

He has nothing to say to me. I ask him why he called, and he honestly called at one point just to vent and/or talk on his drive home.
He then called back because he thought today was my day off and he was concerned I was sleeping the whole time and not well.

Because we don't ignore each others phone calls. Almost certainly if one of us calls the other then the line is picked up whether it is just to say,"Can I call you back later?" or something stupid like our inside joke "Poop" "On You".. don't ask about that one.

As we both age I seem to notice that we both honestly do treat each other like best friends more so than brother and sister. It is probably the coolest thing to me to know that I have someone in this world who will support me, no matter what.
I have other family that claims that, and I believe some would also. But this boy would be there in a heart beat, he would love hurt or kill anything I told him to and he keeps me laughing all the time.

I couldn't imagine a better friend than him.
But is that weird? To be BFF with your lil bro?

I dunno, but I know that he doesn't know all the shit that has been going on lately with me. Or he does, if he reads my blogs. But we tweet, and DM eachother I don't think he is on the Blogger grind. Anyway, he may not know the reason I work like a crazy woman am in school and avoiding most human contact.
But he doesn't need it to be explained to him.
He will love me no matter what.

I unfortunately don't feel that from anywhere else in my life. Sadly, best friends to me, sometimes hurt me more than anyone else can.
My brother is a prime example of that.
We used to use trigger words to set each other off back in middle school days.
If I called him "fatso" or he called me "midget" thems was fightin words.
And we would go at it. Until Mom or someone else broke it up.

We don't still have any of that venom. Or maybe we do but we are each others support systems right now that it's not brought out. Maybe as we age and grow apart it will dig itself in.

But why is that? Why when you've got time apart does one person feel righteou and the other feel shitty? It's just scary to look at families who go through a tragedy in the family and they get torn apart.

I hope that never happens to my brothers and I. I hope it doesn't continue to happen to my other best friends with whom I currently feel alienated from.
But by my own accord I've needed the space, or lacked the time. Hoping I am understood in my reasons. Hoping it's not too late.

Because with my baby bro, late doesn't exist, if you show up, you're golden.

..stay tuned.

Funny how it works like that...

Every now and then I reflect on the people in my life and what they've taught me or what I may have taught them.
I ineviably return to the list of boys that has so briefly entered my life yet profoundly affected the way that I think and behave in relationships going forward.

But at some point, can I stop being the girl who gives
Attitude
Smiles
Overwhelming love
Tough exterior
Super soft interior
and every ounce of myself

when all I seem to receive in return is
Questions
Heartache
Serious Deep Thoughts
and a whole bunch of friends who are convinced I will forever be the single girl.

I'm so over the trend of men.
I have NO idea how to break this trend as they have been so vastly different from each other with the same damn result.

But I get myself all worked up, no matter who is around.
Or may possibly be around
Or may have texted me he will be around.
Ugh, I know that despite the fact that I plan to start my family in the next 4 years I have no hopes of breaking this cycle before then.

It's just funny to me. BabyMamaDrama has my bed, and I doubt I will ever see the cash he promised to pay for it since it's a ridiculously good bed.
But I just, I give.
And I want.
But I never get.
Soooo...
I give nothing, I ask for nothing from boys and I hope to get nothing. Cuz I'm happy not playing the game.
But wait, how does someone have seriously crazy number of texts to send one day... and within a few short weeks, there is not one text or call and it's to the place that if a call were accidentally dialed (I did it today on my stupid touch phone!)
that I would have nothing to say and be embarassed!?!?!

Oh lord I have no idea.
But some people do.
All the 9 million more people celebrating weddings and babies this year.
Accompanied with the 3083 trillion that will be celebrating 1 year this year as well..

Not gonna lie, my celebrity hero, Bethenny Frankel (Hoppy)
She chose one thing, finally after battling herself about whether one person could ask for go after and get all the things she wanted. So she chose.
And when she took that step everything else made its way into her life all on it's own.
So I am choosing. Right now. And maybe one day the other things will come.

..stay tuned.

Catch Me If You Can

CONGRATULATIONS!
You've just won a trip to la-la land. Four day three night excursion through blah blah town.. ever get those exciting phone calls that say you've won?
And you just need to chat with a couple people and fill out a couple more things and you can get your prize...Yeah well
I fell for it. Signed myself up for a tour of a resort that sells timeshares and at the end I would receive a free stay at that resort, another resort in Florida, a 100 dollar Visa card and 50 bucks to Chili's.

Um.. yes please. I just have to endure a tour? Of a place about 2 hours away.
Yeah, I'm game.

Soo it went a little something like this...
Oh hey friend who was supposed to join me for 2 hours of the driving, and be my plus one on the tour, you're sleepy? Gonna sleep right through my texts? Oh that's cool, I will drive my POS broke down hooptie all by myself out of town.

If I die JulieBooty, it's your fault. (I didn't die, don't worry, we're still friends)
Sooo, I arrive, about n 8 minutes past my scheduled tour. Whatevs, they proceeded to match me up with my tour guide who within 8 seconds of meeting me was telling me how naturally buff he is and does not have to work out his legs but did anyway two days ago and can't feel his calves.

Oh yeah, good start. Homeboy thinks I'm here for the tour, like for real. Like I care about ANYTHING going on inside this place.
He then shows me to this massive conference style room with hundreds of small tables where all the sales people are sitting with their suckers.. (me included)

I later find out this place is called "The Pit" which is very fitting.
I somehow end up having a conversation with this kid, I admit he is good at talking and well, I've never been at a loss for words. So like 20 minutes go by and I think we are waiting for something but we are indeed JUST talking.

Um, no dude, want the tour, the short version and I want to be on my merry way.
So I turn the switch to Super Sarcasm Mode and lay it on thick. And basically tell him we are going on the tour now.

He starts of showing me things I really thought did not need to be shown, Concierge Desk a random restaurant... seriously dude?
Oh dear God I'm going to die here I thought.

Then he says he is getting his vehichle to start the tour...
I'm thinking, GOLF CART

he drives up in his own Grand Cherokee...

whoa whoa whoa I am seriously going to die today, this man who has told me he was 31, I didn't believe him and he finally admits he is 24 and I catch him in his first lie.
Is the second lie that he actually works at this place and is a safe trusted human?
Holy Crap I serisouly thought about running away then.

Buuutttt I proceed.
I tell him he has "7 seconds to wow me" and no more.I clearly stated that I would stop listening after that. I gace him twenty whole minutes.
Then I stopped listening.
At one point he asks me "How old do you think those cottages are right there?"
Me, clearly looking at aged homes "uhh, I dunno"
Him"Oh come on, guess"
Me" no"
Him " yes, just guess"
Me "two years"
Him "wow, good guess.. 38 years actually"

...I think he got the point then and seriously stops spieling about ANY thing to do with the resort.
But then it gets weird.
He honestly starts talking about sex.
Or relationships.
Or both.

Remember I stopped listening.. so I barely peer to my left every now and then to acknowledge I'm alive and throw in a sarcastic comment.
But the comments start coming more frequently and he is desperately trying to get me to open up. I oblige with simple anecdotes about work or such else things that bore most people.

we hop out of the vehicle at one point as he is trying to tell me about "Cul De Sac Closes" which are legendary amongst the sales staff.
Some chick also asked to see his weiner earlier in the day.

What the HELL did I sign up for? Oh my God I almost wish I cared about this place and or the product he was selling so I could complain about how extremely unprofessional he was.

But, sarcastic tired BrookieBrooke did NOT care.
Right before the end I find out he isn't 24. He is 20. Whatever dude, I'm over this kids lies!
SO we go back into the pit, I've complained thoroughly that I wanted to be taken back and it was time for me to leave the GeeDee compound.
we get back, I chat with his boss.. whooooo
does not blink or stray from his gaze... which was my left eyeball.
So creepy. But I clearly state that two jobs and being in school renders it nearly impossible to have time to vacation at such a lovelyyyy resort.

AhemcoughBULLSHITcoughcough.. but it got me out of there and into the line to retrieve my gifts.
But not before Chase tries one last time to get my number.
I decline, again. Shake his hand and go on my way.

And I am flabergasted as I drive away. Did I just waste 4-6 hours of my ONLY day off in a month on this ridiculous experience?
OR
Did I just enhance the value of these gifts by what I went through to get them?

You be the judge.
I'll be at Chili's throwing back Margaritas!

..stay tuned.

Scared Straight

SO the past few months have been turbulent with moving into a new place,getting shoved aside from a guy I cared about, starting a second job, going back to school and having to kinda hide something from the world all at the same time. One of those alone would seem enough to rattle someones cage of normalcy.

While I don't really plan on sharing this with a ton of people. I do know that my best catharsis is always to write. So whilst dealing with all said business above I have also been going to see a bunch of Doctors to get things figured out.

I didn't even let my pops in on some of it until I knew for sure what the deal was.
And here are the basics...
I am still in the search of exactly what is ailing me in my intestinal area..allergies and what not but there was some other stuff going on that I was unaware of.

Kind of.

It's weird to say but I have always felt that something in my life would bring me to the conclusion I came to very recently.
I plan to adopt children.

Since I can remember I have cared deeply about the well being of children. So much so that I can honestly recall being maybe 7 years old thinking about my whole big giant brood of kids that I adopted.
What 7 year old thinks about that?

I just never got why there were so many people having babies they couldn't take care of and there were so many parents being selfish and wanting their "own" child.
I felt like someone had to come Angelina Jolie all the kids who needed a home.
Before Angelina even started!

I don't really have a desire to travel outside of this country to find my family because I see so many here in the United States. But I envy her path so much.To be affected by a child enough to instantly make them part of your family is a desire of mine.

Since I was such an advocate at such a young age I believe my wish came true.

My ability to have my own children is a small diminished window with a lot of effort behind it potentially.Granted, there is a possibility it could happen for me, with ease.But it's such a guessing game based on having lots of little cysts on my ovaries that prevent the egg from ever being released into the uterine lining to be fertilized.

So while I will be clear that by no means am I saying that I absolutely cannot birth a child of my own. But it's not something that is going to happen without aid when or if I decide to go down that road.

And there is where it gets interesting for me. I have wanted my family for a very long time. So much so that I believe honestly that I was put on this earth to be a mother.

It's probably why I am teaching right now.

It's also why despite my efforts the news of this syndrome kinda rocked my world. It seemed as if I had had plenty on my plate already to add this news to it just shook my core.

I am happy as a lark at the current moment. I have made my peace with all of the possibly scenarios for my family at this point.

But one scenario stands out to me, that seems to maybe shock some other people.
At twenty six years old I am working on doing research behind the process of adoption. I have every plan in the world to start my family with or without husband and "happily ever after" stamped on my story book.

So while this was definitely devastating news, I don't plan on letting it stop me from achieving my goal of being a wonderful mother to as many kids as possible.

If I were on another path, and I saw any glimpse of a man with whom I would trust enough to go down the road of conceiving children then yeah, I might not worry as much about time. Cuz if I was married and could just start trying now in hopes that it would eventually happen over the next couple of years then that's what we would do. And if that didn't work after a period of time I would be able to start exhausting all my fertility options. And that would be all well and good.

But I have sworn off men people! Remember that post? Yeah, I am sticking to it.
I am by no means trying to raise a child in a home without a father. I just know that what feels right to me is that my family starts when I am good and ready and saving up and doing research on the whole adoption process seems like a good way to get good and ready.

I mean who can really blame me for trying to prepare? It seems like people want to immediately tell me of the one friend they have that has the same thing and has a child.

Good. Great. Grand.

They have no bearing on my stage in life when I found out I had this.So why the hell do I care that they were lucky enough to have a child? Who knows what measures these people went through before this child came along also. Or maybe not. Maybe they were blessed immediately with said child.
Lucky them.

I'm not them.

So, in conclusion my life seems like it's on the up and up. And part of the reason I am working my ass off is because soon, I want to be able to bless myself with the love of my own child and I want to be financially stable and in a good place then.
And until then, I am working out the kinks.It's not always easy to look around at your married friends who are well on their way building their families...

I mean I am so stinkin happy for all of the budding and growing families around me.
I just know that my path will be different.
And I can't wait.

..stay tuned.

Surprise you live with a boy now!

It's not as bad as it seems but its kind of shocking to go from freely being able to walk around your house in your bra and underwear to having to sort of hide whenever I think about taking a shower.

I am the queen of procrastination so I put off things until the VERY very last minute.. for example.. getting ready for work.

So it is not uncommon for me to go racing up the stairs stripping off clothes grab a towel and hop in the shower only to go tearing back down the stairs after I am all clean looking for my work clothes which are constantly in the dryer.

Apparently my routine has to change now.

Although I saw one of the boys get up in the middle of the night chillin in his boxers. That totally means I can walk down the hall in my underwear too right?
Well.. one of them is married and the other one is way down in the basement so I guess I really don't have to worry about it but it's just funny to change your habits.
Not that I would go back to living with girls, by any means. I would much rather call my girls to meet me out for Happy Hour than have them be the ones I come home to and sit in PJ's and watch ESPN with.

That is a huge plus living with men. I now have a man cave I can go into and watch all the suround sound movies I want. I always know when "the game" is on. And if I am thinking about cooking a piece of meat.. It Shall Be Grilled!

Also, I can drink my face off, pass out on the couch and no one will bother me. For some strange reason girls feel the need to wake you and tell you "You should go to bed" Um. Thank you. I clearly laid on the couch when I was sleepy knowing it was a possibility I was going to drift off while still plopped there.
Kinda the reason I sat there in the first place.Silly girls.

I like where I live now, boys and all.
But they totally smell. Always have, and always will I guess.

Set Fire to the Rain

When did I move to Seattle?
This rain just isn't going to do. I actually really like rain if the temperature is above like 12. Which it currently feels like.

But none the less I am trying to recharge this evening and go out and have a life because after a nearly 60 hour work week,school work due every day this week and an 18 hour day yesterday and the kids out on Spring Break all week I would not be blamed for hiding in a cave and asking someone to put lotion on their skin "or it gets the hose!"

Just sayin.

But seriously this could quite possibly be the coolest phase of my life. The absolute most challenging phase but I see the rewards in ten fold.
I have spoken of my desire to keep away from men for the time being. And I am whole heartedly sticking to that. I know I will have my struggles because when that guy comes after me that is damn sexy and got his shit together. I will want to do what I normally do and become a cheerleader for the people around me and play second fiddle.

UM NO. Not today, not ever again!

At least that is the hook I am hanging my coat on right now.

Besides that the challenge for me is to enjoy the hard work I am putting in. I am trying to surround myself with motivational quotes and positive thoughts to steer my ship in the right direction each day. I have seriously loaded up my plate right now and it would be easy for me to say. Fuck it, I'm gonna go back to working one job and having a life and just try to manage. Or I'm going to work hard in these two jobs but become bitter and resentful and complain a lot.

Also, NOT gonna happen.
I literally recited "you signed up for this, you signed up for this" over and over again today in the car.
I was exhausted last night. 18 hours with one hour break and no dinner. But it's all manageable. I spoke with one of the managers at JobTwo and kinda broke it down for him. Told him how driven I was and that this was kinda a first for me. He dared me to take more on and work for them full time after my classes end. I told him to suck it.

No, I didn't do that. But I did tell him I was getting better at saying 'no' and this was one of those times. If in a couple of months they like where I've been and want to show me a rea$on why they feel I should commit more time and effort to them then so be it. But for now, they play second fiddle. They will get no less of my love, just as much hard work and all of my smiles and mustered positive energy as I possibly can when I show up there.

For now, my priorities lie where I took the first steps a year ago. At my teaching job, which is the reason I am in school again these days. Most people never thought they would see the day. My dad is soooo excited to have me taking classes again. I'm not even sure I've explained to him fully what it's for but from a set of parents who did not finish college, they are thrilled to see the second of three get some sort of degree. Even if I can only use it to advance my career in a Child Care setting.

Speaking of devils risen from hell to curse me and rip my heart out and eat it.
Oh.. we weren't on that subject?

Well.... now we are.
My kids are on Spring Break right now. Holy dear God I have never wanted to PUNT so many children before. I don't want to hurt them, and the likelihood of me hurting anyone by punting them in my 5 foot frame is very much the opposite. But I couldn't get away from them fast enough today. I cannot wait for them to go back to school next week.

If there is any examples of why kids need structure and actually thrive on it, this week, would be the perfect example. They just go nuts when they aren't receiving the desired attention and boundaries set. I promise you, children respond well to parents and teachers asking them to stick to certain rules. But when Spring Break arrives and they have no school, and parents wondering WTF to do with their children all week they send them to me.Barely fed,barely rested and by no means clean.
Hahahaha I wish I was kidding.

Today I found a rock in my pocket, and a nail. One was put there by a child and one was taken away from a child. You guess which is which.
I love my job and even though this week I was closer to a meltdown than Japan's Nuclear reactors I don't think I see any light in walking away from this place. Scary because I'm certainly not setting myself up to be a rich girl walkin'. But never the less I can't argue with the satisfaction of a gorgeously designed and put together "Helper Board" in my classroom. It's those kinds of little things I cannot seem to find the pleasure in in any other setting.

So when I get through with classes at the end of the summer I will be able to move up in this little world of mine and I hope to do so very soon. Goals, it's all about setting goals.
Now if I could only find that notebook I wrote all my goals down in, I could get started. Haha kidding. I write them down in Dry Erase marker on my full length mirror, and set reminders on my phone, with alarms, and find really important paperwork to scrawl them on the back of. (ever hear of organized chaos?, yeah, this isn't it.)

So as I wish I could set fire to this rain so it would freaking warm up in this joint I will just listen to my new obsession, Adele instead.
loves it.

Have a great and wonderful Easter to all of you. I will be working. (Shocker!)
...stay tuned.

Joining a covant.. or whatever it's called

I just decided.
Today. Actually like 23 seconds ago.. that I am giving up my earthly possessions and going to find a local "nun place" (hahaha I have NO idea what they are called, and I'm clearly too lazy to look it up)
and ask them to take me in.

Immediately and forever. I can. not. stand. men.
Whatever it is that I have, that makes them turn insane and drive me insane. I want it to stop.

On second thought, I may just need an exorcism.
"I have exerciiiiiiised the demons, this house is clear" (I <3 AceVentura!)
There is definitely some evil goin on.

I toiled with the idea of simply going lesbian... but I'm pretty sure I would bash my own head in trying to deal with another woman. Besides part of my issue with the men I date anyway is that I strongly desire them to take charge and be all manly and stuff. (Seems easy enough right?)
But a butch woman I doubt will come anywhere near as manly as I need my men.

So does anyone know anyone who knows anyone who does exorcisms?
Or maybe is a nun?
Or could give me a drug that could sedate the next man until it's years into the relationship he feels trapped but is too scared to walk away because when he came to there was a gorg (yes, me) woman who was bossing him around and he was happily swiffering the floor, so he figures he will just stick around, for like, ever.

Or maybe, is a lesbian and can really vouch for being in relationship with a woman.

No, that last one probably won't work.
I'm definitely going to hope for one of the top 3.

Which means, my fate is in your hands. My life could take drastic turns from here people... be careful with it!

...stay tuned

Happy One Hundred

Can't believe I have 100 posts on here!
I can't believe some of you are still here reading this!

I am currently drinking a Blue AMP and trying to get Baby shower stuffs done, JobTwo training ish and simultaneously trying not to hate every man ever.

It's a perky slash Agro Crag kind of day.
(Remember the Agrocrag?.. Yeah not really me either. I just know it was on some kids game show... and when I lived in LA we used the word Agro instead of angry.. so somehow Agrocrag was born to show a heightened level of anger)
(God, I'm weird)

Fighting with my normal sense of irrationality. I want to get this baby shower stuff done..like go get the decorations and plan the menu.
But I am such a ridiculous human.. if I do things early or on time I tend to OVER do them. Like wayyyy more decorations than I need. Or end up getting things that I will not actually use.
BUT
if I wait.. I will inevitably forget something and stress hardcore about not having enough time to get all the things I need.

It is seriously scary inside my brain sometimes. I think I've said that like 25346346 times recently. I wouldn't know cuz I don't tend to read what I write. I put it out there and hope that no one catches any huge gaffes in my spelling or grammar but as far as content.. I kinda have a "Go F%#$ Yourself" attitude.

Hahah maybe that's why I can't keep a relationship going. I really believe I am awesome just the way I am. And "crazy" isn't part of that. You know how guys like to deem girls "crazy". Yeah I don't fall into that category.. but I always say I'm crazy in a different way. Like actually, weird not making sense, have huge hang ups, like things my way, I am messy and organized at the same time. I am loud and uber silent. I make zero fucking sense. But I totally get me.

Men.. not so much.

It's not like I have time for anyone else in my life anyway.
I've seriously got some things lined up that make me seem like a crazy go getter type. Hhahaha and back to the crazy thing.. cuz I am currently sitting in a seriously messy bedroom and pretending it's going to clean itself.

I swear in my head.. I have these relevant topics I'm going to discuss on my blog. And clear thought out messages that will make sense. But by the time I get to my computer I'm either fuming, exhausted or rushed. Seriously, it's only those three things that bring me to hide in my bedroom and put the keyboard on my lap.And start tap tapping away.

But I got a new APP on my phone that should help organize me.
BWHAHAHAHAHA.. I also write one a FULL sheet of paper EVERY single day, my to do list.
AND
I write in dry erase marker on my full length mirror.
The things I don't feel like doing.. carry over onto SO many of those lists it's ridiculous. Someone might go to sit in the passenger side of my car. Look at my folded sheets of paper and see check marks and think "wow, she is really getting things done". But upon closer inspection.. seeing the same line
"CDA Follow up info"
"2009 taxes"
"Pay Credit Card Bill"
on every effing single one of those papers might make me look like a lazy bastard.
I like to think I'm somewhere in the middle.
The taxes are almost done.. just need to send in the State.. and since I owe them money I am putting that one off until the next pay check.
But if I took it off the list.. I would assume it was done and forget. So everyday for the next two weeks I will be staring at that one. Along with the Credit Card bill... it's not due for almost 3 weeks.. but I HAVE to make it visible or it fades from my consciousness.

Also, Laundry probably makes the list every other day. Cuz I hate it. So freaking much. I put it on there knowing full well I don't need it on there.. the GIGANTIC pile of clean clothes that remains IN laundry basket ON my bed needs to be put away.
Like last week.
Also the GROWING pile of whites and darks needs to be put INTO the wash. Sometimes I write it down just to piss myself off.. Like uhm Brooke.. You don't seriously need to check this one off. it shoulda been done already. Why are you sleeping on a small sliver of the bed just to avoid the laundry basket and hangers placed there and ready to get put away. Hahaha

CRAZY. I tell you. Not, freak out "where are you, why aren't you answering your phone?" kinda crazy. But crazy none the less.

Gosh I love me.

..stay tuned.