Saturday, July 18, 2015
There's a point in which you start to question every single move you've ever made. I'm not there, I'm past it. I feel as though I've been walking for miles and the street lamps went out, I have no flashlight and I am literally making things up as I go. I am maybe slightly better in the quest to beat this depression. I am happy I have my family. I am still really irritable, I am upset a lot and I rarely find myself genuinely laughing. I miss myself. I think about times where I probably would have laughed and feel like a ghost above my body yelling "laugh you idiot, that was funny! " I finally uttered the words to Tony that I feel like I am battling depression. He had a little bit to say but basically that he was dealing with the same stuff at times and kinda just, get over it. I tried to explain how extremely out of character this feels for me. That some days waking up around 9 and slothing around til 1 and then napping is grotesque to me but seemingly impossible to surmount. I am still alone though the feeling is not as striking as it was a few months back. I have glommed on to Tony and probably to the detriment of our relationship. But I'm hopeful we can see this through. The big ticker is for me to find a job down here. I know that with routine will come some reprieve. I am trying to fix that as soon as possible. Because once I run out of money, there will be literally nothing holding me in place. I;m still struggling with A but having Tony around helps a ton. I just cant be with her every single. second. and I am right now, but again as soon as I have income I will have a way to pay for her to go to daycare. I don't really know if this post has a point other than , i feel like I've taken at least ONE step in the right direction. I don't feel a ton better but something seems to be making sense. I am hopeful for tomorrow and each passing day to see some light that will shine bright and continue to show me the path to wellness. I have never known a fight like the internal battle I face each day in this body and with this mind. I long for the days of my exuberance and eternal optimism. I know I will see that person again. I cant wait to share her with the people in my life now who dont know her. She's me. ....stay tuned.