Monday, December 22, 2008

"Please sit on my face"

I've been on a Grandma's Boy kick lately. I've seen it like 12 times but I love it and I go to sleep to it every night now.(where the title comes from, I'm not a perv)

So I'm not usually one to follow the crowd, but I will on this one.

Tis the season for blog hiatus'. And I will be taking a (super lame) spot on that bandwagon.

I am still working two jobs, reconnecting with the ex, simultaneously trying to date about 3 other men, shopping for the 24 people on my Christmas list, living in a basement..etc.

(BTW I'm planning on feuding with some family members and or ditching some friends by this time next year so I don't go as broke shopping for these bitches.)

And well, I'm busy. And I think I need a fresh perspective. I'm getting stale ( not me as a person, but my bloginess). And the writing isn't coming as easily. Plus BWP is doing it, and if all the cool kids are doing it. Then I am too!

So there...

...stay tuned.

(It won't be that long I promise all 2 of you!)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Sleep is King....

The perils of working two jobs :

my feet hurt, all the damn time. (that may or may not have to do with the fact that I wear gorgeous heels as often as possible)

I am tired, all the time.

I have no life. (thank you to everyone who is able to consider my brief appearances an addition to their night.)

I never eat. (this is a lie. I eat a lot. Just crappy food on the run, so it feels like I never eat)

I never get to the gym.

I am getting fatter by the day. Double Dangsies.(or maybe not cuz everything still fits but I have lost ALL muscle and replaced it with jiggly stuff instead. Ew)

I miss the people in my life. ( One of my best friends is preggo and I have yet to see that damn bump! ) ( I found out it's a girl today so I'm super excited!)

I have yet to finish my series of children's books. ( which is kind of my bail out from this shiteous economy, so I kinda need to get on that!)

I have yet to put away ONE pile of folded clean clothes (I don't even get points for the folded ones because Roommate made her kids fold them for me while I was at work :) )

I don't have ANY idea what day it is.

Christmas shopping? What? We've already had thanksgiving?

My contacts do not last as long as they should because I sleep in them too often.

My car looks like a bomb went off (another lie, it always looks like that but MORE so when there is a chill in the air because there is NO WAY my ass is getting all that crap out of the car when its cold out. Two trips. Nope I will just start a recycling center in my backseat... YOU'RE WELCOME EARTH!)

I don't feel like I actually make money.( could be my own fault. I have lots of cute new jewelry and clothes and shoes to explain this one)

I don't get to bitch at the ex-boy/current boy for never being available.(He always has and still does work two jobs as well.. always a good match. Two people who are completely unavailable.) today I left one of my jobs. Sadly.
In January I will know what it is like to live like a human and be able to get up in the morning and have some sort of clue as to what day it is. And not in terms of where I am supposed to be.

I will be able to get back to TRI training.
I will be able to breathe.
I will be able to out away my clean clothes ( okay that's pushing it)
I will know what its like to have an ENTIRE day off.
I will be able to make plans for said day off.
I will finish my children's books.
I will write the next great american novel.
I will bake more. (Just ask my coworkers at JobTwo, they got to experience my cookies at the Company Christmas Party last night!)
I won't always be tired.
I will help the kiddies with their home work.
I will be able to see the boy more.

I will be able to ... breathe.
Seriously I've not felt myself take a breath since August.
Can a person go that long without?

I will check the record books and get back to you on that one.

For now. Sleep is king.

Because two weeks notice does not mean I have a day off just yet!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Consider me Miles Davis...

I woke up three times today.

Once this morning around 730 a.m.
Tried to grab my dignity (but it appears to have been lost) my shoes and left my friends apartment. I started my car and drove home. It was only then did I realize that I was in fact, still intoxicated.

And driving a motor vehicle while being in such a state is not a good idea. Luckily the beltway was nice to me and not that many people were still on the road. So I was less likely to kill someone. (Hey, it makes me feel better)

I then went back to sleep hoping I wouldn't wake up in the same state mentally. Well actually I was praying that I was no longer in Maryland either. Cuz that's where I got my ass handed to me. Via a bar.

The night started off with good intentions.
Great if you will.
I had driven in the nasty yucky rain to support two charities. Not one but TWO bitches. I was so going to heaven at this point in the night.

Anywho. The charitable event was a wine tasting.

(Keyword is tasting)

I tasted that Sauvignon Blanc over and over again.

It never did quite taste the same. Which is why I went back. Or at least I tried to justify my repeated visits to the bartender. She was not buying it and just kept giving me less and less in my glass.

I was slowly being cut off at a charity event?!?

Should have taken that as a sign right there.

So it was a meeting of former roommates at this event. We decided to go out for a drink after wards. I thought the whole point was to catch up. They thought the point was to get all wastey face.

They were totally right.

We hopped around Bethesdy and got soaking wet and danced the night away. I let some guy think that if he bought me enough shots he had a shot.

He didn't. And I am a typical girl at a bar. So shoot me.

My ass hit the dance floor and showed some Germans how we Americans do it. I shook my hair all in my face and shook my ass even more. That's how we Americans do it right?

Well they fancied me a bit. I kept getting trying to get them to do the "rock on" hand gesture but they kept telling me that it meant evil or the devil in other parts of the world.

Stupid Germans.

And while I'm talking about stupid people let me throw myself under the bus.

What is it with people that when someone buys a round of shots and puts one in front of you and you know you probably shouldn't do a shot of GM (insert your own poison here) but you feel bad and think "but I have to". No drunk ass (and I'm talking to myself here) You don't have to do it. You can politely refuse.

You can't? OH yeah. You right. Cuz if you do people like me will parade around calling you a "giant pussy". Man I am obnoxious. But I made 4 peoples night that night. And here's how:

Big Black Man who refused to do a shot with us. Deep down he enjoyed the curse laden rant that I went on telling him to get his ass on the dance floor or shut up. I swear he loved it. Or maybe his best buddy next to him loved it more. Either way they thought I was cool.

German guys. I already told you why they think I'm "fucking fantastic" Yeah I told them that was the cool thing to say. In a German accent it sounds quite comical might I add.

My girls. I introduced myself for the second time this week as Jessica. My name isn't Jessica. She is my alter ego. When I don't want to tell some *Rando my name, that is what I say. So Sharon and Veronica I salute you both for following my lead. And they loved me for my curse laden rant (stop me if you've heard this before) that I gave any douche who dared come up to us. (And I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend)

And cute boy who worked at the bar. He loved me because I was flirting with him all night and as we left the bar something came over me (the shot of GM, the Grape Bomb, the Kamikaze and or maybe the shot of Patron) and I grabbed his face and started kissing him. Yup.

I had to be reminded of this this morning. And all I can think of is what a story that will be for him to tell. (If nothing else, I'm at least entertaining!)

I then proceeded text the crap out of my ex. And call him "baby" like 100 times. But that's another story. And it may be why he isn't answering my calls today. Woops.

So all of that was crammed into a couple hours last night. I woke up, drove home and tried to sleep it off. Rolled into work looking like a Mack Truck hit me. I had a big grin on my face and realized I was still drunk. Thank God it was a slow day for lunchers at JobTwo because I took my ass home and went to sleep. Again.

And I woke up for the third time today at 7 pm.
Now where is that pesky ex boyfriend of mine? We are supposed to get together tonight. As for the dignity I am praying it finds its way back into my life.

...stay tuned.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Steady Chasin that Paper...

FOREWARNING: this post was written two weeks ago. I have just now finished it. The following story may or may not actually be in chronological order. It also may or may not contain facts and or real people. Mostly me. I apologize in advance for the way it is written but I was still reeling. I work seven days a week and try to fit a life in there. Sometimes it ends up like this particular weekend where I forget that there is such a thing as TOO MUCH. I will stand by my final conclusion though.

anddddd... ENJOY!

I have woken up from my 48 hour life-coma. (thanks for being worried, but I am totally okay, life-comas are like a little gap in the time space continuum when everything blurs together and someone tells me that I was awake and alive during all of it. I have no evidence to back this up but go with it.)

I spent most of the last 48 hours working.

And I don't think I can tell you what day it is. It doesn't really matter, I am just going to grogily stumble into JobOne and hope that I am scheduled. Well, wouldn't it be nice to walk in and not be scheduled. Then I could get back to my favorite place in the world.

Under the covers.

I think it's my own fault. Chalk it up to poor planning. (Look at me! I'm growing up, all taking responsibility and stuff. So what if I started it with "I think" instead of a more declarative statement...I'm working on it okay!)

Somewhere in the middle of the week I realized my weekend was shaping up to be a complete and utter disaster. Not until friday came around did I really know what I was in for.

I had to jet out of jobone early to get to my other obligation that I had made months earlier. God forbid I put things like this on a calendar of some sort. Come to think of it, maybe I did. But I am still working on the whole, looking at the calendar thing.

I just write stuff in it. Close it. Walk away. Never to read it again. Not sure it's helping.

Anyway. After volunteering for race packet pick up the evening before I realize that I have a way early morning that is shaping up to be fah reezing.

It was. 6 am never felt so terrible. I was at the race site for 3 hours. The bitter blistering cold wind was determined to make sure it felt like an eternity. I wasn't sure if I felt better being a volunteer and not signing my ass up to run, or realizing that the runners had some blood flow going and could have maybe felt their fingers and toes.

Either way it was cold. And I, well, I hate the cold.

I immediately packed my things and went right to JobOne. Left there to go home just in time to change for JobTwo. I worked there all night (Saturday nights bring out the Cougars, and they are hungry. For our food and any young men they can get their claws into... So we stay busy, Good for business I suppose)

I didn't leave until 11pm. Which meant that I had been working a total of 17 hours. In one day. Somehow I had also gotten sucked into working for someone Sunday evening. Which meant Sunday turned into a double.

Great. Someone clearly took advantage of my weakened state and pounced on it. The delirium had set in and I went home to sleep.

Text messengers be damned. Too many people trying to get into my head and convince me to start partying immediately after my 17 hour shift. I passed out 8 seconds after I stumbled into my room. I woke up Sunday morning to a s-u-p-e-r-s-l-o-w day.

This is where the time space continuum was broken. I was pretty sure, all of Sunday was still just a continuation of Saturday. I am also sure that none of my sleep went into the revitalizing of my body or mind. I think I just closed my eyes and my body was too tired to do anything else.

And that could be my reasoning behind why I convinced myself that only on this Sunday was I supposed to show up an hour later than all my other Sunday in times.Maybe also why I felt the need to get my button up shirt all starched ironed and ready, and then leave it inside my house.

I had however thought ahead enough on Saturday that I purchased a sugar free Red Bull (bread bowl to Morgan) Luckily OldLadyMoves saved me with a couple extra wrinkle free button ups in her trunk. And I was back in business. Worked a double and proceeded to be a mere shell of a human.

In the middle of my double I got off. Started to go home to sleep until my next shift. Until Cutie McOldPants.(Which incidentally is what I could call half of the men I attract and or date... shrug...) texted me and told me he was watching the game at the local hole.
I met him up there and (shh, don't tell my boss) had an RBV (short for Red Bull Vodka, and I promise to never use that abbrev again.)

I watched my Ravens take it to the freaking house. Anyone see Ed Reed run back the longest interception in NFL history. He surpassed the previous record. Oh wait he held that one too.God I love my team. Anyway, I was so jazzed from our (yes I have now started saying we, as in, me and the rest of my team. I just don't suit up and get on that field, but I am totally one of them! ) victory that I went home only to change my shirt and headed back to work.

Worked the evening shift and went home. I don't recall these events because by now I was out of my funk. Or maybe just so exhausted I couldn't think about being exhausted any more. All I wanted was sleep. So despite getting heckled by everyone who suddenly thought Sunday nights were the "it" night to go out. I went home to sleep.

At least thats what my brain said. My heart decided to try to fight the Red Bull in my system. I was fast away in dreamland when I lost my breath. I literally woke up gasping for air. I quickly fell back asleep only to writhe in agony for hours upon hours because I could not get my heart to pick a rhythm.

Mind you, I have been diagnosed with a heart murmur. When I was like 6. My parents were in the middle of a custody battle and I was a desperate middle child vying for attention. That's what everyone chalked this diagnosis up to be.

Years later I still suffer from bouts of tachycardia or bradycardia. It takes me just a few moments to gather myself and I am fine.

Not this night. My heart was have a full out battle. Maybe it was playing DDR and I didn't know it. Either way.

I am swearing off Red Bulls from this point on.

So now, Red Bull doesn't give you wings. It gives you freaking arrhythmia.

Yes I know that was an extremely long story just to tell you that I am never drinking an energy drink again but to put into words those god forsaken hours that were my weekend seems much harder after knowing I survived it. I was convinced the entire time that my life was ending.
And yes being a hypochondriac with no health insurance is a tough life to live!

...stay tuned.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Common Law

So in light of my most recent post I decided to write about something that has been going on in my life recently.

I am vying for common law marriage.


Not gay.

Just love the lady I live with and we joke often about her husband and how he is pretty much useless.

There's the manicures. The avoidance of all physical labor. The general inability to perform any athletics. The getting of the money. Oh wait, that's the good part.

So besides the fact that we will go and be whores and sleep with other men, we want to get married.

We like each other. We already know we can live together. Her kids could totally stop calling me their former nanny and start calling me their new "mommy"

We are both super hot, so we would be the ideal lesbians. Without actually being lesbians. But you know, the kinda that all guys want. The ones that they don't believe could really be lesbians (and we won't be) but the kind where they are kinda into each other but they aren't sure if its just girls that are close. (cuz some girls are like that, not that I know cuz my girl friends and I punch each other, a lot.)

This is a totally logical thought process. Don't you tell me all about common law and what it actually means. I am going solely on the basis that it means we can live together for a period of time (like 7 years or something) and then we will be granted the rights of, like a 5 year old who just got up from time out. Or something. Whatever we can do to screw him out of his own house and live happily together forever.

That's how it works right?

Anyway, tonight marks the, 3 month anniversary of my move in. We are totally on our way!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Gym and Pam

As of Dec. One I am back in the gym. Oh thank god.

I was starting to rationalize never going back. The whole, well I only gained a couple-a pounds argument. When in reality it was much more because I lost a crap load of muscle.
I feel good just as I am , I would tell myself. (which I do but I know I will feel better when my arm muscles tell people not to eff with the 5 foot tall girl cuz she can do more push ups than you. And my abs scream, PUNCH ME! And my legs look like I could roundhouse kick Chuck Norris in the face, and hurt him) ( and yes, I have very specific goals in mind while in the gym) When in reality, I lost a crap load of muscle, I ran a 5k in 28 minutes and that's way too slow for me.

And then I realized this entire time I have been shelling out my hard earned cash to these suckers and I am only getting, fatter, lazier and poorer.


And believe you me, it's much too hard to try to get out of those contracts. So I dared not do that while I took that whole 4 months off!

So what I really want to point out is that I had forgotten how ridiculous the gym is everyday. I went at 3pm, on purpose, as to not be judged by so many faces.

I usually run my ass for 10 MAYBE 20 minutes and then I am off the treadmill. Or I swim a couple laps until my ass gets tired. Then out of the pool. Or I cycle 10-15 miles and I'm off the bike. Now I will be at the gym for a good 2 hours usually just not spent the entire time, I'm not part of the Vaginafest when you look at the cardio section. I like to life weights.

But that's not even what bothers me most. Because as much as I complain about this country being fat and how obese kids make my soul cringe. I know the people INSIDE the gym have taken a step in the right direction.(Me included, Yay me!)

But DUDE on the Eliptical. You are on a chick machine. You have to know that. Really though? You cant run the weight off? What about hitting a bike for a couple-a miles. Cuz gliding ever so gently on that machine while you push the handles back and forth slightly makes you seem like less of a man. I have got to be honest.

There are many issues I have with a gym, one being "those girls" who apparently can't lose calories unless they are in a matching outfit with their hair did.

There's the meat heads who usually work at most gyms, but some of them go there without being on the payroll. Nah fuck it, you guys can stay, you are all freaking hilarious. You will end up alone and sad despite your muscles on top of muscles. But you make my time at the gym go by quicker. Laughing burns calories right?

And despite all the cliche issues people have with the gym, I am so glad to be back in there.

And now, I must actually go because if I wait any longer, I will somehow come up with an excuse as to why I cannot go to the gym today. Like, if it's after 4 so I will inevitably run into the 987235 other kids from my high school that go there and I cannot bear one of those awkward conversations again(while they are on the eliptical....I think I just hate that machine)!

...stay tuned.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Fake Shit.

I can't get my life together enough to do a real post.
For shit's sake I am currently on the West River. This place is more backasswards than going in reverse.

So happy thanksgiving everyone. I am not texting you all. And don't expect one on Christmas either!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Brookie Brooke Meet Doppleganger.

I am pretty sure I have used the word doppleganger before. And possibly incorrectly.

I don't care. I still won't look it up to see if I am using it any more correct in this post. So don't check. Cuz I don't care.


I was out on Thursday night and ran into a woman I have heard about. All I had heard, was her connection to this crazy guy who comes into JobOne and asks us to wrap these SUPER expensivo presents he's purchased for his GF.

Side note: we don't do gift wrapping at JobOne. But he's all weird and we can usually get him to spend a couple-a bucks in the store so we do it for him. Twice a year. Valentine's Day and her birthday. I guess on Christmas he finds some other sucker to wrap his crap. Probably in the mall. Poor mall workers.

Or maybe the thing he buys are like big shiny Mercedes, so he just puts those huge ass bows on them. Who knows. Either way, he is weird, she dates him. Or did. Or does. Or doesn't now again, but soon will again.

This girl and I, we started talking. She is a tiny little bundle of energy. So right away I already see that we are similar. ( My lack of her super creep ex separates us enough, but kind of worries me about my future as soon as I realize she and I are similar) As we start talking we discover eerily similar things about each other.

She's a Pisces. Not that weird but when you can pin point one from just a conversation... A little weird.And mind you, I know almost nothing about the Astrologizzle stuff. Then as we discuss the men in our lives, the ones that we can't let go of. They are both Virgos. And something in us tells us that deep connection we feel can totally be translated into a fulfilling relationship.

Guess what?! It doesn't. It can't. It won't. If she is any indicator of that, 8 years back and forth with a real live "crazy" is not the path I want to continue on.

Then she says there is this guy who she hasn't given a chance for some reason. For years he has asked her out. Great guy. She is now giving him a chance. He is a pisces as well. Weird.

I swear we were talking about one person. We described our brothers and our relationships with them. Yup, still one person.

Only she was 20 years older than myself.

Note to self: don't be her then, okay to be her now at 23. Not at 43. Divorced with two kids and still effing around with the "wrong" guy.

No thank you.

So I'm pretty sure I got my little vision of the future. Now I just need to figure out how to avoid it. Or kind of. Cuz she's all successful and cute and fun still. So I can still be like her in that aspect.

Or maybe she has nothing to do with my life and it all gets chalked up to coincidence!

To tell you the truth, I'm a little delirious. I woke up at 6am to work an event, a 5k in the blistering windy cold. I am now at JobOne. Only to finish there midday and move on to JobTwo. Maybe I will be home by midnight. Maybe.

Then wake up bright and early to go right back to JobTwo.

Can't someone just pay me enough to work one job? Or is that two much to ask? Being a college dropout and all.


...stay tuned.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Role Models

I had to share this with all two of you. I went to see the movie Role Models over the weekend and I loved it. Though it doesn't take much to make me laugh, this is hilarious.


...stay tuned.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

It's too cold to take my pants off.

Holy frigid weather Batman.

The ex texted me last night. "How are you? Staying Warm?"
He knows the answer. Of course I am not staying warm! It is fricken freezing out now. Even snow flurries. Gross.

My thoughts are always as such; If the snow doesn't cover the ground and get me out of work, I want nothing to do with it.
So last night as I was getting ready for bed I realized. It is too damn cold to take my pants off.

Be damned Cosmopolitan writers who say that it isn't sexy to go to bed in 3 layers of sweatpants and a sweatshirt with long black socks on. Under blankets galore and maybe a beanie if necessary. I am hot in more ways then one when I go to bed!

And this is where San Diego comes into play. I've got Tia over there enjoying the Cali kinda weather in November and she's complaining about it. Ungrateful warm weather bitch! (totally kidding Tia, we should trade homes so you can wear your pea coat and I can stop crying)

Granted the SoCal plans are in the very early planning stages but I saw something in the stars aligning when 4 or 5 of my people started talking about doing the travel to Europe thing and then going to SoCal. Really people? Why didn't any of you follow me to L.A. the first time? I could have really used a friend out there, being 19 and on the opposite coast of everyone I knew.

But I'll let bygones be bygones. And now I am thinking about moving to San Diego. Where Cosmo most assuredly writes from because I can totally understand not going to bed in sweatpants out there! But while I'm on the right coast, I am sticking with my super warm 4 dollar target blankets. A possible space heater purchase in the future. And all of my sexy ass sweatpants!

..stay tuned

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Money Talks

I had a conversation with my money this weekend.

It wasn't too happy with being put into my drawer at home instead of in a bank. So it complained a lot about being squished into my wallet on my way down to North Carolina. My money is really finicky. It likes the roominess of a stable bank account where it can just chill and hang out until it can be really useful.

A nice thought. But not practical. I need that shit to work for me. Start doing push ups or something.

So as the conversation went, it had decided that I was 150 dollars too rich.
Yeah?! Me? Rich? Interesting take. I disagreed for a while and said I needed to save more. All I wanted was Andrew Jackson to keep multiplying and just see how many of them I could stuff into one drawer. They didn't take to kindly to that.

So off I went, with a few extra Benjamins than I normally would have taken. I spent pretty wisely. Only 3 cranberry vodkas on Friday. Saturday was spent at Plato's Closet and watching Role Models.(effing hilarious, beeteadub)

Sunday I just drove two hours south and went to see my sister. One margarita and one loss of the Ravens later and I wasn't spending any more money.

And this is where money talks.
It said"did you hear me?I said you were $150.00 too rich!"
Me: "Yeah, I spent some money this weekend. Money that I would have normally saved. And I took off from work so I lost money there too"
Money: "Still not enough."

and second later my left rear tire blew out. On highway 81.

No shock, no worry, no real surprise. My money and my car must have formed an alliance. Long ago. They decided every time I get on my feet and start to get control of my finances, they were going to make sure I knew how high maintenance they really were.

Thanks guys. This is the fourth. Yup, fourth tire that has blown out, or gone flat since I have had my car. Did I mention I've only owned this car for 4 years?
Is that even possible? I would love to rattle off the laundry list of things that my car has also done to prove to me it's still there and I would be no where without it.
But that would probably just piss her off enough to eff with me again sometime soon.

I took preventative measures and bought TWO new tires. I should be good now right?
Oh please Bessy, last me until I move to San Diego (more on that later). I beg of you.

...stay tuned.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Rules of the Road.

On my way to North Carolina today... oh yeah I forgot to mention that this weekend will be filled with my bestie best friend ever. I drove to see her. I coudln't stand it anymore.
The drive was less than 5 hours, so not too bad. Unless you count the countless idiots on the road. Which is a stupid statement because they cant be counted if they are countless but to try would be enough to frustrate you the way I was.

So to all the people on the road today:

Guy who drove the same pace as me for 30 miles creepily smiling at me:
You are asinine, what could possibly come from driving next to me for that long. Would I be wooed by your eerie looks and suddenly decide to follow you down whatever exit you took and we would stop at a rest stop and live happily ever after? Yeah likely story. Just like the one you told the cops about you not killing that local girl. Mmmhmm.

Kid who I used to go to high school with:
Freaking look at me when I am waving at you. I know you saw me. Who doesn't look out their windows when they are driving? You are like the complete opposite of creepy other guy who wouldn't stop staring at me. Just one look over to your left so I can feel less insane. Thanks.

Woman at whom I yelled:
I apologize for yelling. I also apologize for assuming you are a woman. But you were driving like a freaking woman. All slow and turning without a blinker. Ya killing me lady.

Winshield wipers:
thanks for not working.again. in the rain. 'nuff said.

All the people who chatted with me on the cellular:
Thanks for letting me fool you into believing that I cared what you were saying when in reality the kinda time you can kill on the road while in a conversation is priceless. Thanks for being a trooper. I fully expect you to be there again on the way back on Monday.

State Policeman:
Hey thanks. Thanks a lot. For getting up behind everyone in the left lane and making them freak out and think you were coming after them so they drove wildly out of your way. Thereby creating more of a driving hazard than their original speed violation. Thanks again. But know this. You didn't fool me. You weren't coming after me and I knew it. So suck on that copper cuz I wasn't going to slow down for you! Ha!

All other drivers:
Hear me now. I want you out of my way when I am on the same road as you. Simple as that.

K tttthhhaaannkkksss!

Now I am off to recreate Fabulous Fridays North Cackalacky style!!!

...stay tuned!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Google got it right.

So you know that version of email. I think it's gmail that won't let you send an email unless you do simple arithmetic problems first. Thereby limiting the number of drunk people sending regrettable emails.

Yeah, well I have that function built into my brain.

Only with texts. And I am not even drunk.

Here's the quick back story. The ex (and he is only the ex because I don't date and he is pretty much the only real ex I have) and I were texting back and forth ALL day today. Weird, we have an interesting relationship still. We are still friends. And by friends I mean people who can send dirty or inappropriate texts to each other and talk about a very short bit of our lives at the moment and then not talk again for weeks or even months.

Last time we saw each other was the first time since we had for real broken up. We pretend broke up for a few weeks and then for real broke up and then we got together and it was stupid. I thought I was going to be buying him a drink for his birthday and he thought I was going to be there an hour and a half earlier. (Men!)

(what miscommunication, I don't know what you are talking about?!)

We hung out for 10 awkward seconds and then walked away. He texted me immediately about how good I looked...yeah, I wish I could have said it was effortless but I knew what kinda moment it was going to be and whatever happened he needed to know that I either looked good despite him and our relationship ending or looked good and he could maybe remember what he was missing out on.Not sure which one I had intended on that night.

Either way, today we spent a long time cracking jokes with each other and at one point he down right flirted with me. I never thought I would see this day.
Wait, I don't even know what day this is. The day where the ex reminds you of why you two did date? Or the day you realize you haven't dated anyone since him for a reason? Or the day you think you've lost your mind because you two still talk in the first place.

...Okay so I have to tell the truth. I started writing this, then talked to my conscious a.k.a. Beauty of Beauty and the Beast. She convinced me to text him tonight. To text him and see what he was doing. Because somewhere in my brain I wanted to drive to go see him and see what would happen. Secretly hoping for a specific outcome. I have no guts. But she convinced me. Just last week she tried to get me to come with her to the same region of MD to see her "one that got away". At 2 in the morning. I didn't go.
She did.

She is cooler than me.
Now I texted him. And now he wants me to call him. So I gotta go.

...stay tuned.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Holy Shit!Mom? What are you doing here?

OH that's right. There is only one person in this mirror, and it is me. Good trick Mom.

One of my 100 truths is that I am turning into my mother.

Everything I have ever witnessed and made comment to : Like her inability to cut her super gorgeous, super long flowing hair, or anything quirky related to having 3 feet of pin straight long brown hair.Using my hand at the top of my head and flipping it to the side, any sudden movements and people around you saying, "get your hair off me!" Yup. Got it. I want to cut my hair but I love that no one around me has hair like mine.

Luckily another aspect of my mother that has been passed down is her generosity. I love my hair but I want other people to enjoy it. That's why I've donated it before and will again. I want to donate my hair at least 10 times in my life. If it keeps growing at this pace then that should be easy peasy.

Or like her body, no butt but strong legs. ( I used to leg wrestle an old boyfriend and I could hold my own!)

Or like her face that shows her age but in a delicate way, you know she's lived life, a few wrinkles to prove she's laughed along the way but she still looks damn good for her age. I see that "life" creeping in, I am only 23 and I can only pray my face can withstand the way I laugh. (it's more of a cackle)

And it's not Mother's Day or anything, but last night as I combed my hair. Which only happens once in a blue moon. (Long hair = lazy. Duh.) I watched her, with every brush stroke I felt more like her than myself.

And I couldn't help but do a double take. I swear my mother was standing on the other side of that mirror. I don't have any qualms about becoming her clone though. I admire her greatly (but it is freaking weird to experience it). I know the science behind it all, but it still blows my mind.
(The science being that we are kinda genetically linked, the whole mother/daughter thing, she has x chromosomes I have x chromosomes, she has traits that have been passed to me. Blah Blah Blah. Just in case you were wondering. Science was totally my thing, before I dropped out of college... dangsies)

So here's to you Mom. And though I have got some traits that certainly don't come from you. Like the desire to have a cocktail or twelve every now and then. Or the fact that my voice can reach decibels most humans have never fathomed. Or that I cannot stand to not be right. All. the. time. (It's not usually a problem though, being always right and all) Those I clearly get from my father. And to pay homage to my x chromosome that came from him, well this post would have taken a whole different tone.

So Mom,
I can't wait to be you.

...stay tuned!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Oh no she di int.

Lucky me.
My birthday is in March.

And before St. Patrick's Day and all people claim their 1/3000th Irish heritage and become obliterated beyond belief and forget that conciousness is an option.Thusly missing any other events around that time. Like a birthday.

Lucky me, my birthday is not New Years Day like a co worker of mine who also wakes up to find everyone around her barely out of their "this year is totally going to suck less!" champagne and fake hopes and dream induced comas.

Lucky me, my birthday is not Christmas Eve, like my Mother's. There was one rule in my house growing up. DO NOT under any circumstances wrap her birthday present with Christmas paper. She wouldn't even open it. Poor woman. I mean freaking Jesus was born just a day later than her so she gets shafted on how many gifts she gets. Not fair.

So that leads me to today. When in walks a sweet woman who hemmed and hawed over gifts. I try and I try to help these people. I am a super great gift giver.

Okay so every now and then I am overcome with my disease that forces me to get someone something I am totally convinced they want but may or may not have hinted at, at all. It usually ends up fine. ( I swear my brother loves the buddha head decor) Other than those rare moments I try really hard to put together thoughful gifts for everyone on my list.

And I even somehow manage to add people who were never on the list. I mentioned I work at a super cute boutque-y gift store right? Yeah, gift giving is totally my thing.

This lady hands me two items and tells me to wrap them together. Done.
WAIT?! What? It is a birthday present? Not Christmas? You are sure?

And this persons birthday is coming up?

WHATTTT?! I wanted to lean over the counter and whisper: "hey assface, there is no DAMN way she wants this right now! How about you wait until effing Thanksgiving is over before you shove Santy Claus down her freaking throat which has nothing to do with her being born. At all. Unless she is a believer of God and then somehow it's tied together but I digress"

But this whole recession thingy has me to the point where I no longer help these people pick out gifts that I have an opinion about. If they are buying things, it is okay by me! An embroidered baby blanket that says "Body Sculpt Baby" referencing a new born who is now to be called the name of her mother's place of employment. Oh absolutely do it!

Then she says "oh well, she probably has more christmas things that she can shake a stick at"

And it took all of me to not lean over and whisper the previous phrase to her but not grabbing her collar and shaking her violently was tremendous self restraint.

(I am not an advocate of this phrase but...)

Why would I shake a stick at things? And what does that have to do with how much I have of said things? Really? Who says that?
Don't answer that. If you do, I don't want to know about it. Because I will no longer like you. Seriously, one of the dumbest things I have ever heard.

Why is it okay to give these other holiday related gifts to people before the holiday is upon us. Why stop there? Why not go out and on the day after christmas snatch up all the goodies people didn't want and give them as gifts for the rest of the year?

For the people with a birthday in June, you are totally getting way expired egg nog and some googly eyed reindeer slippers.

And you will like it.

But like I said. She bought something. So judge not lest ye be judged.

But she was totally effing crazy.

..stay tuned!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Limbo. And not the good kind.

Not that there really is a good kind of limbo. Being a shorty limbo was always looked at like it had to be my thing. Right?I'm supposed to be good at this because my entire body's length doesn't quite pass your hips? No. Not the case. Spare me the oompa loompa reference and let's play a real game.

Anyway. I am in a crazy bit of limbo. Life Limbo. I pretty much get here every 8-12 months. It's fun you should try it. Here's how I do it. I live like a single 23 year old with no savings and incidentally I end up like a single 23 year old with no savings! Weird how that happens right?

I am so ready to do what I know I am supposed to be doing.There are glass ceilings and as much as I love Willy Wonka (the original) I do not have any sort of magic sideways moving, glass shattering elevator that can take me wherever I want to go. ( God would I love to live in that land.But NOT as an Oompa, I already told you that! I want to be Veruca Salt. Or maybe Charlie without the creepy family and the bypassed sexual deviance of one Gene Wilder.)

I figured out my calling a couple months back. Well about a year ago. I got a bit of planning done when the economy looked me straight in the face and said "beat this" . And I've been left helpless ever since.

Aw shit. I told you it aint playing fair. Like we are playing war (the card game, not for real war cuz I just made a peace sign cake that says "Make cake not war"!) and it comes time to flip over that third card( you know the part where your war cards tie and you face down three cards and the third one is the new war card)... The first two were Aces. So in my head I think " sweet if I just beat this third one then I will get two Aces, I'm unstoppable then".
Nope that slimy economy straight up pulled out a third Ace and beat my 7. Sure a lot of other cards beat my seven. But another Ace? No way. Gotta be cheating.

When I was a kid I would just flip all of my cards in the air and shout "cheater!" and I would have been done. Not now. I realize the stakes are more than just bragging rights with my siblings. This is life and I want all 52 damn cards! So I don't care how long this GD game takes..

My plan has now been to better my third card. Behind the scenes. Play the game of war a bunch more and get the decked stacked in my direction. To where I can bust out some face cards and kick the economy's ass. I just gotta wait until the stacks are a little more even. You know when I have maybe, oh I don't know, the ability to afford HEALTH INSURANCE. ( I haven't even mentioned the fifth and sixth wisdom teeth growing in my mouth. Yup you heard me. Got 4 removed two years ago. Now I got two more. NOT fair I tell you.)

So in the mean time I have taken up writing.(I've always been a writer, but just recently discovered the idea of actually doing something with the 10,000 poems, or lyrics or short stories that I write.)

Not only here on this blog (which is sure to gain me immediate infamy and tons of fortune to follow right?)but I am also writing children's books. While working two jobs I can't say that I am really writing them so much as scribbling down my ingenious text hoping that when I am finished I can look up and say "A book!"

and then a publisher will look at me and say "I want it!"
And then I will say "Okay that'll be a million dollars"
And then they will say "Done, now write some more!"

and then it will be a happy little circle that goes like that until I keel over.

and then I wont have to find myself attracted to 30 something men who are already well off and could take care of me. Sugar Daddies? Not for me. Unless that circle doesn't happen and then I might just have to actually date one of the men I keep consuming all my time with.

In the mean time it is Friday and I am sure it won't be another version of Fabulous Fridays (because those have tapered off and I die a little on the inside each week now that I have a new digital camera to capture all of it's glory.) But a Friday none the less. So off I go to try to figure out what conclusion job two came to about whether they are willing to give the employees free drinks or not. Because that will hugely affect whether I go to job two to drink or brother's job one. Because that is where I met cute 39 year old. (who incidentally now knows he is on my blog. Crap! ) But mostly because that is where BFF brother works and can get the hook up. I'm working both jobs tomorrow and am sure to disappear again until Tuesday or something. I apologize to my four followers. (I freaking love all of you!)

...stay tuned!

**Update** As much as I would like to believe I am a super cute fearless person (wait, I do whole heartedly believe the first part!). Bits of this post have been edited or removed. I apologize for the extreme vagueness throughout the post and the crazy card game analogy( I let you inside my head for God's sake, it can't all be pretty and sensical and shit.) but I have yet to find a creative way to post about real life events without getting my ass in trouble.It's not like Dooce. has taught me nothing!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

You couldn't possibly want another election related post. You do? Good. Here it is. My one and only.

It's not like there isn't plenty of election coverage right now. So I will not spout about who or what I believe in and how or why I went about choosing my candidate. But I am proud to say this country has elected it's first black president. It shows growth and to me a sense of one-ness. Because I too am part black.

Wait. I lied. I occasionally get mistaken for an African American when I hit the beaches. I also get mistaken for a person of Asian decent. Due to my almond shaped eyes or something like that. I'm not sure. But what I am trying to say is that I relate with the peeps. And so does GObama. So although my father is sad to see his reflection. (rich old white man) not get the incumbents seat, I am proud to be an American today.

But you know what I figured out.

I am much less confrontational than I remember myself to be.

That is a huge statement for me. Because most people would say my five foot stature does not do my personality justice. Brutal honesty is not something you can go about delicately, hence the first word being brutal. I don't tend to make friends by being quiet and bashful. I get loud and sometimes verbally abusive (if you are rooting for a team I don't care for) and the people that are left in the wake. The people that have survived. They tend to be okay with being my friend.

As I usually spout my daily amount of jibber jabber I tend to piss off a person or twelve. Just part of my daily routine. Nothing new for me. When the election was barely on the horizon it was such easy fodder for me to go back and forth with anyone. Truly I played devil's advocate and vouched for each candidate just to test other peoples beliefs. As it came closer to the actual day (today) I got a little more protective. I had decided on who my man was.

I did not want to share that with anyone. I no longer wanted to fight. I knew what I believed in and I wanted no one to sway that. I even got a little upset when a campaigner of my future baby daddy... I MEAN my future presidential vote getter came to my door to talk to me about campaigny type crap. I didn't ask her who she was voting for. Nor did I care. Now go home woman. (And for god's sake knock over some lawn signs on the way out will ya?)

The beauty of an election is watching the results knowing that you were part of it but in no way did your one vote decide the race. So a friend of mine who once had a conversation with me that almost came to blows, he and I called a truce. We vowed not to get into it all. Every time. I wish that everyone could do that. I still don't want to talk about it. I have no desire to rub in my elected official. I am also not gonna sulk about a parties fall from grace.

It's not as if I picked the Steelers to trounce the Redskins. And bet on it. (I mean we all knew that was gonna happen, and I should have bet cuz I could have won some money) But it's nothing to brag about.

So congratulations to every American who voted today. And congratulations to our candidates and our country who will really reap the rewards of our actions.

And for you lazy asses who didn't vote. ( and there are a shit load more of you who I am fully surprised to know about) You all need to buck up and stop claiming ignorance as a reason why you didn't vote. Get off your ass and learn something about candidates and make a choice. There is no right or wrong.

Just who is cooler and picks the right party who gets the most votes and totally wins and has the most friends and stuff.

Oh wait that was high school.


...stay tuned.

Monday, November 3, 2008

"Some days I'm your super bitch"

Today is Monday. It took me a good 20 minutes while waking up this morning to figure that out. I also didn't know that it was daylight savings yesterday. Don't judge

So even though it doesn't feel like the weekend is over to me let me try to capture in a few short (I'm already lying to you, it won't be short) words what my roller coaster of a weekend entailed.

Day one: also known as Friday. Disguised as Halloween. I bought a new digital camera finally. And because of my rash behavior I purchased one I wasn't super crazy about because the one I wanted was only offered in a putrid green yellow color.

Seriously Best Buy?
You offer the normal colored ones online, but the one in the store had to be shiny puke color?

Then it's time to get dressed and at the last minute I changed my outfit. I think this was where I went right. So genuisly right. (pictures to come) I may need to remind you that I was the Orbit Lady. I show up to job #2 in costume as they were having a costume party.30 minutes in, I pretty much have the entire restaurant coming up to me and saying terrible curse words in order to get me to say

"dirty mouth?"
"Clean it up!"
"For a good clean feeling, no matter what"
and lastly

All said in a perfectly inflected accent. I was a hit. They loved me.

And this is where I went so wrong. I should have stayed. Instead I went to my brothers place where they too were having a party. They moved the party to a nearby bar in which I have complete and utter disdain for now because I didn't win the costume contest. It's not that I didn't win that got me, because there was one guy dressed as a soccer trophy. He could have totally beaten me and I would have been fine. He was all gold. (ALL of him) with a soccer ball stuck to his foot and when he struck a pose it was genius (have I over used that word yet?)

But we both lost to



Really people?

You are that easy?

Look at the ingenuity and the time and effort it took for our costumes. Hers? It took a whole five seconds to throw on a skirt and a blazer and put some glasses on and put her hair half up. I may or may not be a little bitter. Because guess how many Sarah Palin costumes there were this year. Well scientifically I don't know but I am estimating at least 3 billion people went as her. Men and women. Too easy. Yup I'm bitter.

After that we went back to my brothers place and all hell started to break loose. My emotions ran the gamut while I was there. It ended with me leaving at 3 am to drive home all teary eyed. The details will be spared, but let's just say at 25 years old if you become a different person when you drink. You need to stop drinking.

So, no prize money and no happy ending (not that kind you sicko.)
Halloween was a bust.

Day two: Also known as Saturday.
I was in a weird mood, because of the events that transpired just a few hours earlier I couldn't seem to shake the somber feeling that came over me. I drove to work and almost burst into tears (almost is the key word.)My mind was racing and no smile was to be found. It didn't help that in the midst of the drama the night before I also had one of my buddies ( guy I've talked to for years, jokingly and seriously for YEARS) tell me that he was for real in love. With me.

Um what? My first answer is always.. Don't do that. I can figure myself out (no I can't who am I kidding) when I fall in love and all that nonsense but I sure as hell cannot pick up the pieces if someone else falls in love. With me. That just throws me for one hell of a loop. I know not what to do or say. I just feel bad for the person. I think I am the last person you would want to fall in love with.

...and scene!

Let me reel myself back in before we get all smooshy ooey gooey. So as my mind was racing, in walks my good friends Beauty and the Beast. They are my super pair at work. I like them a lot. They keep me sane and laughing. They walk in, plain clothed and I am instantly jealous that I am not them. I continue working while they wait for me. Oh I didn't tell you? Saturday was the last night for the Haunted Forest. These suckers were going and they were waiting until I got off so I could go with them.

I freaking love these people. Crisis over. Smiles were instantly found and I busted my ass to get out of work.

Off we go. And a scare or two was had while in the forest. My night(weekend) was instantly better. Then we went to Sheetz and got late night food. It couldn't have been any better than that. We all drove away with a full belly and a happy ending. (again, not that kind!!)

Day three. Also known as Sunday. Wrapped in football and a Brunch shift.
I don't mind Sundays because working brunch is kind of easy.

What would have been nice is if someone told me that it was Daylight Savings and that I was supposed to turn my clocks back. Yeah. A memo or something would have been nice. Cuz guess who showed up an hour early to work that day? Yup, this girl.

Once I got off work, I had brunch. It was glorious as I tell all of our patrons even though I haven't had it before yesterday. (they don't know that) Now it was time to watch football and veg out all day. The problem is , with my team I have a slight phobia slash obsession. I believed that if I watched my Ravens on the TV that we would lose. If I listened to them on the radio. We won. So I made a quick stop to my brothers work to say hi and see a few minutes of the game. I had been listening on the radio so far and we were winning so I couldn't do any damage whilst in the bar for just a few minutes.


The Browns came back to tie it up. We again went up and then they tied it up again. I got my stuff and was ready to walk out the door. The Browns fan next to me was not okay with this. He convinced me to stay. Against every fiber of my being I stayed. (He was super cute and fun to talk to so not EVERY fiber I guess)

After painstakingly going down 14 points my team rallied. Just as I screamed at the TV that they would.( I am totally in control while watching my team!)

Oh did I mention the cute guy to my left was 39, totally hitting on me and recently divorced with kids. I didn't? Well I don't think I should have to anymore. I think you (my readers) should assume this by now.

And after a couple hours of sitting there,and him worrying that my brother was going to chop his balls off for doing so (my brother works there and has known this guy for years) It was time to go. Or he said so. We had already exchanged numbers and he had already told me every dirty little secret about himself. ( shots will do that, even to a big man like him.) Including the "kinda over" girl he was dating that showed up. Yeah that was fun. Luckily my loud mouth had made friends elsewhere in the bar by then.

Night ended and I may or may not have had a dream about him. Did I also mention he is a stock broker who drives a 125,000 dollar car? Man I'm sorry for leaving these important details out. Just kidding,that is SO not an important detail. But the super cute thing is, he bet my brother that if the Ravens won (and we knew they would!) that he could drive his 4 billion dollar car on a date. Cute 39 year old wasn't looking for anything in return should the Ravens lose (and we knew they wouldn't) So little bro has to find a hot girl to match the sweet ass car he gets to take on a date and I broke the curse of not being able to watch my team on television and now we have a date to meet up every Sunday and demoralize each other depending on whom we are rooting for.

And now we are on
Day Four: also known as Monday or Karaoke night.
And this is why the title of my post is that. I have to learn all the words to the Christina Aguilera song. We've chosen to make that our song tonight.I cannot wait!

more to come I promise because as I said before. My weekend isn't over.

..stay tuned.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Freak my freak.

I am having a moment.
I am completely freaking out.

One of those moments where you know no one is watching but the smile is plastered on your face. Tears well up and you don't know what to do. Your insides are all squirmy and you feel you may pass our from sheer excitement.

Right now. Having that moment.

I just got an invite that suggests that one of my oldest (in length of knowing her, not age) friends is preggers. Ew. Did I just say preggers?

Anyway, there are about 8 girls in our close little group. We range in geographical location from Pennsylvania down to North Carolina to California right now but once upon a time we all lived near each other. From the dorms to off campus housing at VT. This particular friend I have actually been friends with since freshman year of high school.

Girl got married two years ago. Besides that blowing my mind, she said she was sending us a little something. We all got messages on Facebook and we were going back and forth asking her what it was. We suggested motherhood but she laughed at us. (since I've known her she has said she wasn't having kids 'til 26.) She is barely 23.

And that girl is totally pregnant. I have no one else to share it with though. I live about 30 minutes from her so I got the invite first. I almost flipped my lid.

This is how the Facebook chat went with all of us...

Mom to be: Hey guys - can you all message me with your address... somewhere I can send something in the next week?? Thanks :)

yay mail!.. (writes her address)(from Pennsylvania)

Hart of Hearts...(address blah blah blah) and miss you all! (from North Cackalacky)

Bethel Bananas
hiii...(sends her address) all the way in California...miss you!

Bestie Best: ..writes her address, and says her hellos to all of us.

are you gonna send someone to kidnap us all so we can all finally be in the same place at the same time? Cuz I will just go willingly!

..after being funny, I write my address too

Shitty: (yes that is a real nickname that she answers to)
heyyy guyss..sorry i was out of town this weekend.
miss you all! .. includes her postal info.

Mom to be:Thanks Everyone - be checking your mail Wednesday/Thursday-ish :)

Jugs: Stover(unbeknownst to us, the mom to be) you're making me nervous!!

Mom to be:Haha - oh my gosh... nothing to be nervous about. Just a little "hello", that's all :)

A few days later..
Mom to be: Hey guys - the things I ordered are back ordered :( Probably next week - sorry for the delay - miss you all! We still need to plan a mass WAJ (that's what we call ourselves, don't judge it's the dorms initials, we were cool back then!) trip to the vineyards!!

Jugs:ooooh what did you order!!!! im so excited!!

Shitty: yeaaaa get that bad boy rolling! and Jay wheres this thing I'm expecting? ....or must we wait a few months? 9....?

..this is completely Hart of Heart's fault btw.

Me: she said it was backordered, is that a new term for the gestation period?

Bestie Best:Haha so glad I'm not the only one with that thought... J is messing with our heads!

Mom to be: What is a gestation period??? It's just something small... nothing big to stress over. Sorry for missing everyone and wanting to do something cute :P

oh jay i love and miss you! we thought you were sending us a picture of your occupied uterus!! it is still vacant right? green strip not red? hahah love you miss you girls sooo mcuhhhh

Me: (now backing away from my original thought process) haha oh gosh, gestation period is the time it takes for a baby to grow... annnyywho.. we love you for getting us together like this and I can't wait for the notebook to come my way! I miss you all!

Hart of hearts: She is messing with our heads.

Mom to be: Hart of Hearts you need a hobby

Mom to be: Mailed yesterday

Jugs: woooo i cant waittttt i never get anything but bills and I'm so excited for some snail mail lovin! miss uuu

...yup she fooled us.... well kinda . We were all onto her at some point, but she did a good job of throwing us off the scent. But now I cannot contain myself.
I did call my best friend Morgan. She let me ruin the surprise for her. She is in North Carolina so it'll be days before she gets it.

Days I said.

I cannot wait days people!!!

This is BIG freaking news!

She was the first one to get married and now the first one to pop out a baby. We have to go all out. And believe you me I am going to be the party planner. I planned her bachelorette party. Quite the success I tell you. Though I can tell you no more. We were sworn to secrecy.

Anyway. Thanks for listening. One of my best friends is going to have a baby. This is freaking awesome. I will get to tell the little one all about that time in ninth grade that Mommy pulled out Motion Lotion and licked it off her own arm. Exclaiming "it really does taste good"

You're going to be a great mom!

....stay tuned.

I'm no sucker for advertising and this is how I can tell...

I just discovered fleece. (don't laugh)

I kid you not. Remember way back when, when Old Navy was all about the Performance Fleece. There were commericals a plenty and people sporting them everywhere you went. So naturally everyone got on that bandwagon.

Yeah, not this girl.
Either too poor for even Old Navy or I was rebelling against what the masses were doing. (Too cool for school)

So as I was walking through Nordstrom Rack,(there was no need for me to be there except my pretend need for a "belt", well I did need the belt but I knew I was getting the 8 dollar one at WalMart when I walked through the doors but I just had to peek, it's been a while. )

...wait let me back up. And tell you why fleece was even on my mind.

My younger sister is a fleece freak. Well maybe she just likes them a lot, but this girl has asked for and gotten multiple fleece jackets for Christmas. See I save up my Christmas presents. Like this year I am going to ask for all the stuffs associated with training for a triathlon.(Again.) Like a bike rack,really expensive Zoot suits and what not.
Not the shit I can buy myself...

like a fleece.

Sure she likes the really expensivo ones and I'm sure they are even better. But, just yesterday I purchased my first Columbia fleece jacket. All black, and kids sized none the less.

I figured if my sister is asking for these suckers for Xmas, they gotta be good. I seriously don't even recall putting on someone else's fleece, ever and falling in love like I did yesterday on my way to work wearing only a tank top in this, what feels like 12 degree weather. (probably closer to 50's but I'm a baby) I literally had a smile plastered on my face while driving to work realizing that 25 dollars on this jacket that I did not need, was the best 25 dollars I spent yesterday (probably all week). Not the super cute Chinese Laundry heels. Not the really nice strapless bra. The jacket was king.

I'm still wearing it. I wore it to bed even.

So in conclusion. Don't waste your advertising dollars on me,cuz I will not buy it just cuz you tell me too. Sure it may be great, and there is a reason that it catches on and has hundreds of commercials about its greatness, and followers a plenty but I, I do what I want.
Except for that one time in college during the Super Bowl that the Taco Bell ad came on and Morgan and I got up and immediately drove to get a crunchwrap supreme.(holy crap those things are good.)

..stay tuned.

Oh and I have plenty more to dish just not the time to do so. I'm sure you are all aware of the Holiday coming up tomorrow. Yeah, I'm in major prep mode. But besides that I got a random text from the ex last night, new boy at work developments, asked out on a date by 40 year old, and much more... to come. So seriously...stay tuned.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Gone Baby Gone

Apparently I disappear from thursday evening until tuesday evening. I am working on how to post everything I want to whilst working two jobs and all that other jazz I get into. Friday wasn't quite a Fabulous Friday but I could at least deem it a Family Fun Friday. I will let you know more about this after my shift I am already late for.
Who is excited for Halloween?!?!?!?!?!
I can hardly contain myself!

...stay tuned.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Take a breath..

I don't feel like I should be out of bed. I have one of those nagging sickness knocking on my door. Achy head neck and back, yup. Sore throat, yup. Scratchy voice, tired eyes, you name it. So how can I possibly post today? Well I decided to do a little post about things I have learned in the last week.

Seriously, everyday I find something new and interesting out, whether about the world or myself.You know, learning. It's good for you or something.

So here it is,
Brookie's observations du jour:

1.If you are looking for hot guys...

Go to the pumpkin patch. Seriously!

I mean besides the clearly not hot ones that look like they should be perched in a corn field to scare away the crows. For every 3 of those there is a gorgeous man toting around some punkins! Sure he may also be toting some tots too. I didn't say they were single guys but there are some hot dads roaming around that's for sure. I don't really want them you know like I would want single hot guys but, I do like their presence though because it makes me go "that is what I want my husband to look like when we have kids" (that sentence is comical all on it's own)

2. Sleep is underrated. Okay that one is for the sick me who is still crying that I have to take a shower and get dressed and function as a human today and it is already (read: only) noon.

3. The art of biting one's tongue needs to be more widespread. I don't understand people who cluelessly say hurtful or rude things and keep on their merry ways. Guess what people. Not everyone cares what you think. Not everyone wants the break down of why you just said the imbecile like thing you just said. And not everyone wants to further carry on a conversation with you after you've said something so out of line.

For example, when someone verbally attacks me,(good intentions be damned) you better believe that I will fight back, verbally. But when someone thinks that she is better equipped to take me down verbally she better look in a mirror and deflate her own arrogant head because I am well skilled at the art of holding back, until need be. And then you are in for a tongue lashing. Or even a beating because I am certainly not above (as Coral from The Real World put it..) beating bitches up.Just because I am more refined and don't commonly say things that either
a. people laugh at incessantly because it was kinda stupid
b. people are caught so off guard they mask their displeasure with awkward smiles.

No, typically when I speak if I am not intentionally making people laugh, it is usually good for something else. Be it, knowledge or praise or something equally as wonderful. I open my mouth and more good things come out than bad. And there are some people in this world whose ratio of good to bad is tipped in the wrong direction.
Closing their mouths more often may just help that.
So in conclusion, "if you ain't got nothin' nice to say, don't say it at all"
..bitches.(that was my inner Paris coming out.)

4. When you put your mind to something, it can be done and with great success.
My newest best friend E is a fantastic example of this. She is a 24 year old working girl (in a the WG1 and WG2 sort of way.) who just put on a fund raiser for Pick's Disease which is something her family is dealing with right now. That girl almost single handedly raised 12 thousand dollars with one 5k. Let me say that again. One girl, one event, twelve thousand dollars.
How can you not be WOWed by that. God love her, I am so proud to know her. Anyway in the midst of dealing with a sick parent, a demanding job , a house full of boys (one being her boyfriend) this girl set out to put on an event. She set her mind to it and she busted her ass and she did some incredible things in the process.
I am so proud of her!

5.No matter how much you hide the fact that you are Queen of the Procrastinators, you will be found out.
And I don't even have more time for this post because I have to go meet my father at the DMV an hour away from here so I can put the title of my car in my name(after owning it for 4 plus years) which I could have easily done by myself had I any clue where the title was and/or is currently. Oh yay.

and just a day later I have more to add...

6.If you just wait long enough people will show you their inherent stupidity.
For example. When going into the DMV or MVA (or whatever place you go to, to get your license and tags and all that super fun stuff that makes you question your very existence while you wait in the seemingly never ending line and listen to a womans soft but slightly irritating voice call everyones number but yours until you want to pull your own teeth out and then you get called, lucky you, and you go to the teller only to find out you have the wrong form) type place; well whenever you go in there, knowing it will be at least a 15-20 minute wait (at the very least!) do you think to bring your babies in? Well, let's say you have oh i don't know, two kids. Both under the age of two, one closer to a newborn. Would you think "oh you know, I will just run in real fast and leave my kids strapped in their car seats while I just take care of some important documents real quick."
Why not?
Oh cuz you have a heart?

That's nice, apparently this lady didn't.

So as I was leaving ( go me! My car is finally in my name, and my license has the right address and its horizontal now with a picture that isn't of me when I was 17, and I'm registered to vote, AND I have new tags and registration.. Gosh I am good!) We noticed two kids screaming crying with the windows cracked ( genius i tell you, the window down just low enough to let fresh air in and to also provide anyone with access to her kids or her car. Someone give her a badge)and I just can't believe how unbelievably stupid people just are. It shouldn't shock me but it does. My heart breaks a little every time someones stupidity puts children in danger. So as much as I would love to root for the human race, it's people like that who take up space and make me think we are all doomed.

I have many more observations but I think I will just start Observation Friday. Where I point out something that may or may not be poignant, relevant, or even observational but will certainly be comical, except for when stupid people do stupid things. Then I will have to rant like Peter Griffin with "You know what really grinds my gears".

..stay tuned.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

"Buh buh baby, you aint seen nothin yet."
Sorry I had to finish the lyric!

I haven't even had enough time to get on the computer and write that I don't have enough time to get on the computer and write. I kid you not.
Zazu does the most wonderfulicious Holiday Open House and it is upon us today. So all the days previous have been filled with Christmas tree decoratin' like you ain't never seen before. (Hence the title.) Seriously if you get a minute or 4 hours stop by Zazu and check out the incredibleness that we little girlish elves put together while you guys blinked.

Un freaking believable. If you can't get to us in person, then check back I will be posting pictures and showing you the magic we create. There is a whole gaggle of girls that have the magic touch and I am proud to be a part of this amazing team.

Now Merry Holidays and Happy Christmas and all that junk!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Back your voting ass up! But not into my front fender!

I absolutely cannot stand to see people with bumper stickers ( no not the facebook kind, Mark Zuckerwhatshisface already took all the fun out of those bumper stickers) and yard signs telling me who they are voting for.

Yup, I said it. Get your stinkin' vote, out 'o my face!

I don't ask you to put up a sign whether you spank your kids or not. ( well because we all know you do. You left the windows open on Sunday night. But don't worry your secret is safe with me.)
I don't ask you to tell me which grocery store you frequent. ( Because I like Giant, and no matter how pristine Bloom is, they don't have shit there.)
And I certainly don't ask you to put in window paint your favorite movie.
(Because you've already told me your kid is an honor roll student and I lost interest.)

Why the hell do you think I give a crap about who you are voting for?

All I want to do is steal your lawn sign. (I have contemplated it a time or twelve trust me.) Rip it into tiny little shreds and shout that I am voting for the complete opposite of your flamboyant choice.
Do they (lawn sign people) seriously think that my vote is wavering and if I see my neighbor with a yard sign for Obama that I am going to go " Oh! I love Tammy, she is a great woman and I really trust her judgment. I think I am going Obama now."

Eh Eh. ( when I get my new digital camera I will load a video of exactly how this sound is perfected. You can start by wagging your finger, just once.)

It's not about one party or the other, either. I am equally annoyed by both displays of "someone should give a shit what I think so I am gonna stick it on my corolla bumper as I cut you off in traffic" ass

Well guess what, I want to vote twice. One vote for each candidate. To equally disappoint the other. ( Spiteful? Me? Noooo..!)

Any maybe this is all me, I have a severe issue with being told what to do.
I don't like missionaries (with all the "this God saved me and you can too!" schtick) and I don't like your bumper sticker in my face and I really don't like those people who keep their stickers on their car way past the previous election. (oh they kill me!)
Guess what people?!

*** Spoiler Alert!***

Kerry and Edwards are over. ( They didn't win)
Bush and Cheney are on their way out. (See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!)

On second thought maybe we use this tactic for politicians. Like they all have to put a bumper sticker on their car as to their votes for every bill and law and proposition they have voted for so we can actually track their records. Like if you see McCain driving next to Dubya and you see each of their votes and it turns out McCain only votes with Bush 88% of the time. (Not the widely reported 90%.)

I meaaaannn, might make a difference right?

Oh? No?? It won't?

Yeah neither will you effing yard sign.

No go cut your grass, it looks atrocious.

Oh wait, that's just political bullshit you spilled all over it. Go to Lowe's get some weed killer and it should be fine by December.

wanna know who I am voting for?

..stay tuned.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I quit.

"so wanna hear about my newest love interest?" I ask my younger brother (who doubles as my best friend, when he isn't farting or snoring of course,then he is my greatest enemy)

"what is he like 85?" (valid question I suppose)

"Nope, but close" I answer

"Okay what like 40?" He asks again.

Without a word he looks at my face, sees the grin and flips his lid.
"what?!? are you serious?! I'm not talking to you anymore" And instantly he is gone.

My brother tells me all about his crazy life, why can't I tell him about mine? True the entire family was less than thrilled with my last boyfriend. Who just so happened to be 32. When I was 22.
So what?
I cannot help who I am attracted to! Right?!

Well after that didn't work. (my father affectionately referred to him as a pedophile within seconds of meeting him)Wonder why?

Before him there were other 30 somethings.. even before I was in my twenties.
(I am sensing a pattern here!)

Then came... a 30 something with 3 kids. Oh wait no. There was a 34 year old with 2 kids in Germany or wherever he was stationed.Then there was 3 kid guy. Who was super effing cute. And even let me drag him on the dance floor where his old guy moves did nothing for him except win points in my head for letting me drag him there in the first place. Found out he was closer to 40's and I am really not trying to be a step mom.

But somehow I am caught up with the 40 year old who may or may not have 6 kids. WHAT?!?
Did I cross the line of acceptable?
Who knows. ( seriously do you know, does anyone know? Is there a pill I can take?)
But I continue on my quest to figure out why I am not attracting twenty somethings. There is one that I work with...but damnit if he doesn't already date another girl I work with. Bitch. (I meeaaannnn)

Then there is the twenty something with his feet solidly on the ground (and stepping in piles of money)and just dorky enough to make you love him and just smart enough to make you hate him. Shocker we seem to have exact opposite schedules.

What is it with my life? Love is blind, uh huh. My heart knows no bounds, I get it. Blah Blah Blah.

I am tired of questioning myself. Will somebody just sweep me off my feet already?
And please for God's sake lie to me and tell me you are 29, for a while at least. Then you can drop the bombshell about the immense baggage you have.

I'm tired. I quit.

...stay tuned.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Eco- friendly

I have been very aware, and eco-friendly for a while. Going green and organic and all that jazz but this time by eco I mean economy.

Welcome to the end of the world. I mean the end of 2008. (Seems like the same thing right?)

We are all paying a bit more attention to our spending habits and our lifestyles these days. So when I stumbled upon Bossy's Poverty Party I thought it to be a great time to start actually doing something. If I can't better the world just yet maybe I can better my own forecast in life. (for now ya know, 'til I sew up the cape and start saving the rest of the world.)

I am very fortunate to be where I am right now because had I been living anywhere else while this economic crunch is going on I may have had to go live with... gasp!

My parents. No just kidding. I would live on the streets before I would go back to their houses.(Totally love them, but from far away. Far far away.)

So yesterday I go to the grocery store, with the intention of buying milk and deodorant. That is all I needed. Let me stress that I had chicken out waiting to be cooked and probably enough other food options to last me a week at the very least. Hearty, healthful food options, not like ramen noodles and some left over saltines. ( I mean I am out of college, I should probably never have to live like that again right?)

And yet. I walked out of there 85 bucks poorer.
I told myself that I was going to clip some coupons and get only what I needed from now on.(two weeks ago, after a shopping trip)

Well my needs are clearly defined by anything that looks yummy at any given moment during the aisle sweeps. I have a tendency to start at one end of the store and go through each and every aisle because, well... I don't know what I want.

I know what I needed.
Milk and deodorant.
But did I really expect to walk out of there with just those two things? Has anyone EVER done that? Walked in for a handful and walked out without a cart full?

Not possible in my world. Now I love making decisions for other people. Quick. Easy. And seemingly rationaled.(not a word, I know, but go with it) For myself it is much harder. There is no logic behind some of my choices and therefore the grocery store hits a weakness.
I have no specific reasons why the boca burger looks especially good this week when for the last 2 months I have not purchased one. In fact, I don't think (besides milk) that anyone could look in my pantry or fridge and predict what I was going to buy the next time I was in a grocery store.

So for my Poverty Party contribution to my own well-being I am going to seriously.

Make a list.

Check it twice.

And find out whose been naughty or... Wait that's Santa.

First I am going to make a list and stick to it. Limit myself to what is written on a slip of paper that I no doubt will have lost between getting in the car and out of it. If I forget something then I will have to put it on my list for next time.

Totally possible. (laughing hysterically in my head)

And another favor I am going to try to do for myself is keep my change. I switched to a teensy tiny little coach purse (given to me for Christmas 2 years ago, never would have bought it myself, don't worry!) And there is no room for my super cute change purse thingy. So I have been neglecting my change and its' whereabouts.

Turns out.

I can clean my car for the amount of change I have in my car! It was a lovely experience yesterday. And even though some people (JEN!) think that because yesterday it was cleaned then today is the day it starts to become unclean again. (And I know I told you all about just how messy my car was, it isn't always like that. Geez! Have faith people!)

Well I am going to keep a clean car. Keep my change. Make a list and stick to it.

Heck! What else can I do to better my life today?

...stay tuned.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Organize me.

There is a Good Charlotte song titled "motivate me" and it used to ring true for me back when I was an angst ridden teenager. Or an early twenty something that still looks like she is fourteen. (Oh wait , that's me now.)

But I would now re-title the song "Organize me" because that's really what I need in my life. Pathetically there are things in my life that just never get done.

I can't believe I am going to admit this but I took my bike with me for my triathlon way back at the end of May. I had to take it apart to get it into my car since I don't have a bike rack (like all the cool kids...come to think of it I don't have a road bike like all the cool kids either. Damn cool kids and their stuff)

Put it back together for the race. Obviously.

Took it apart shortly after for the ride home.

It is now sitting in Jen's garage with no front tire. The piece to connect the front tire is in my car somewhere.


Don't go looking for it!

You might die in there!
Seriously I will have to find a long branch from a vine-y tree ( think Wesley in the Princess Bride when Buttercup falls into the quicksand.) so that when you start to suffocate under everything I can pull you from your ultimate death.

Here is a quick list of things I know are in there.. and mind you I am inside the house about 30 yards from my car at this moment of recall.

*A guitar.(i take lessons, or did, not since I started working two jobs, and yes the guitar is still in my car.. it provided me with endless amounts of fun last Monday when I drove my brother and his drunkie friend home. Boy can't sing Karaoke but give him a guitar to strum and he busts out like a better Scott Stapp and with sicker rhymes!)

*Flip Flops

*Server apron

*Multiple cups and bottles of water.

*Oh! A whole new case of bottled water (and I will use the chilling weather as an excuse to why I never take it out of my back seat!)

*A grass skirt.

*A Map of Virginia ( I never get lost so it's of no use to me.)

*ESPN Magazine with MP on the cover. (He's my boy and next time I'm back in Bmore he is totally signing it!)

*An accordion file folder (have NO idea what's inside)

*A spoon ( My car was semi- recently broken into and nothing was stolen. Or nothing that I could tell. The cop was utterly disgusted by my sloppy tendencies and he picked up a spoon and asked me if I had any immediate use for it... Jerk... The answer was no but those little "what ifs" always pop up!!)

*Probably a car insurance bill or twelve. ( I can't be bothered to put things in the mail so I end up paying over the phone every time.)

...I won't go on, you get the point. I am in desperate need for a person or team to come organize my life. I have found that no matter how pretty the organizer I will toss it aside eventually. I may be more inclined to use a pretty file folder over a plain black one (the one in my car is black!) and I may be more inclined to hang up all my clothes if the hangers were pretty. But I've got about 30 to 40 empty plain white boring hangers and piles and piles of clothes from my bed to my dresser that are waiting to be hung up.

Now I had the genius idea that there should be one person to be your shoe consultant. Like they study your foot and they go to a shoe store with you and explain why flats may be in but you aren't allowed to wear them. Since you have flat caveman feet. And you are only 5 foot tall so you need every inch you can get...or something like that.

Anyway why can't I have an organizational consultant. That doesn't cost a million dollars of course. And they are with me to tell me that no matter how pretty that Vera Bradley Day Planner is, my lazy ass will NOT write in it.

and then they flip out their organizer and tell me I have a 2 o'clock and they run to get me my Starbucks and we are on our merry way.

WHat?!? They have those? It's called a personal assistant? And you have to be rich or famous or important even in the slightest to have one?

Dangsies. Well I do have the day off, I suppose I could get out of my sweatpants and go clean out my car. And my room. And take things to storage. And do more laundry. And... make pumpkin cookies and go running? Holy crap this is starting to overwhelm me.

I think I will just make the cookies.
Everyone loves Betty Crocker and no one knows whether she was organized or not!

...stay tuned.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Blog'on Mad

This blog has transformed the way I think. I now think in terms of posts. All day every day.I have about 12 thousand and 86 new ideas each day.

Trouble is, there aren't enough mediums to put down all of those ideas for later usage. They get gobbled up into my brain hopefully to be recycled again at a later date where I will proclaim them genius once again and hope that I am within arms length of a computer or away it goes one more time. (i'm not sure how many times they recirculate before it's gone forever)

In between the those gem posts you get a posting about one's boring weekend.

Apologies all around.

Unless you liked it, which would make me a literary genius trapped in a tiny little 23 year olds body prancing around as a waitress and sales girl.

Yeah, didn't think so.

Bear with me, I swear there are more nuggets of wisdom and witty life observances tucked away in my every day life.

..stay tuned.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

A Weekend Away

While my weekend was spent in the same cozy little town I always reside in, I felt like I was away.( My brain took a vacation that's for sure) My best friend was in town though(oh thank goodness!) and I had to work every minute that wasn't being spent with her.

It turned out to be a weird weekend. Clearly why I am sitting here on this Tuesday still thinking about the events that took place in the last 72+ hours.

Friday she rolled into town and I met her at a restaurant where the host politely told me that my friends were waiting for me and pointed me in a direction. I asked him how he knew and he laughed and nodded again in that direction. So I started walking.

He was wrong.

Assumed I was with the other 20 something girls at a round table. When in actuality my friends were my best friend and her parents. I love that he laughed at me though, like an I'm that good so don't ask me how I know kind of laugh.

Side note:They did have fabulous Margaritas though. And that is really how I judge a restaurant. I am a Margarita snob. Love Sweet Water for their food but their margaritas are shit. Ted's Montana Grille, apparently has a much better recipe. I however, have the best recipe of all. If you are lucky one of these days I will share it with you.
It is to die for. And I can only thank Denise for bringing it into my life.
But shhhh.. I like to take credit for passing this recipe around!

Back to the story...

we went out to apparently my favorite place V5( I say apparently because I am there every damn day but I really think of it no better than any other local joint, my brother just happens to work there and I go there a lot. Okay?!)
She and I have a drink there and then head to meet some friends at the Sports Theatre. Which is exactly why it was a snoozer. You shouldn't go there if there aren't any big games to watch. I almost fell asleep in her tall ass glass of beer. We drove home and Friday night came to a sleepy close.I wasn't sure I was going to get to spend any more time with her.

She was going to a wine festival (how classy) and I was going to work (how boring) on Saturday. And though she was to make it home by 7 that night there was no reason to believe that she would make it anywhere else but home after that. (There are stories of other wine festivals to back up this notion)

So when she sat in my section at the restaurant later that evening it was a nice surprise. The entire evening had been anything but pleasurable before her arrival.

Blame it on homecoming. Stupid high schoolers. (only kidding I love all God's children... haha kidding again)(Seriously though, who forgets to put a tip down? Seven of you just ate for 95 dollars, where is the rest of daddy and mommy's money?! I didn't do this just to make sure your night was special...but I'm sure it was anyway, the way girls are dressing these days! When did I become old and conservative? Sheesh!)

Anyway, after work I met her at her place and watched SNL.

Okay so let's recap. Boring Friday. Boring Saturday. And now on to Sunday.

Oh and I work, now that's a surprise! (again, I know I have no room to complain I have taken on two jobs and should expect to work every day all day right?! Great.)

Luckily brunch was slow and I got off just in time to don my jersey and head up to the sports bar and watch my game. It ended, and sadly.The 3 and half quarters we had lead the game disappeared in the last minutes.
I was less than thrilled.

To make matters worse the hometown team had taken the lead and we all know that every win brings them closer to the likely hood of a Super Bowl ring right? Yeah, well try telling the fans that isn't exactly the case.

So I had to hustle out of that place before I blew a head gasket (see: previous post about being a good sport.. hint: I'm not.)
I went home and watched more football and fell asleep.

My best friend left town.

End of weekend.

Except I never have specific weekends so I am going to include yesterdays shenanigans in my weekend recap.

Work at the restaurant as usual, mess up, get lousy tips and head out before anyone notices. Meet the girls at Vintage 50 and start the birthday celebrations!

Met the rest of the crew at another place and really started the birthday celebration for a few people.

Then I watched the birthday girl slip into the worlds quickest drunk-fest mode.

And I was keeping an eye on a certain goal of mine. (Yes, I refer to men as goals)
He definitely kept me guessing because he starts hooking up with a co-worker. What?@! He's taken? Oh well, guess he is off the "I must conquer" list.
Or is he?
Did he just grab my scarf and pull me in close?
Did I catch him eyeing me through out the night?

Yes and yes. So is he off the list or what? I can't decide.

But now I am getting texts about Birthday girls lunacy that didn't end with her calling everyone bitches and flicking everyone off. She quit today.

After the penis pops(or cocksicles, whichever you prefer), the tiara, the birthday sash, the drinks, the shots and the karaoke we sang to her she ended up getting belligerent and using those hands for evil and not good. Bad birthday girl, bad. So back to Pennsyltucky she goes.

See, and this why I don't define the weekend by certain days. Craziness can happen at any moment. And there, in a simple Monday was hiding the excitement I had been looking for all weekend.

You do know that right?

Friday, October 3, 2008


Holy weather report Batman! I seriously have to learn to take 5 minutes and check out the weather each day. Instead I usually like to look out my bedroom windows and take a guess as to how I should dress in accordance to how I think it feels outside. (think being the keyword here)

I woke up today, (nice and slow because I don't have to be anywhere today!!) and I took a look outside and saw the wind blowing. I assumed it was just as cold as it was yesterday so the little spandex and Ravens zip up weren't going to cut it.
Back into the closet I go.

...I take a look and pick my super soft VT sweatshirt and the thickest pair of Jeans I can find. Did I mention that I hate the cold?
I step outside to go run some errands before my BFF gets here and


Hello nice weather. Hello warmth. Hello stuffy leather interior.
And bye bye sweatshirt.

Underneath luckily I had the always classy wife beater on. I was headed to Wal-Mart so I guess it's better that I wear the attire of the indigenous people. So as not to stick out while I am there, I like to remain undetected in that place. (At times it can be rather scary just walking through those doors, but that is a whole 'nother blog)

On my way I see what I have determined to be one of the more hilarious things in recent times. Mostly because it pertains to my life in a sad, real way.
A car in front of me has one of those bumper magnets. Oval shaped white magnet with black letters and a black outline. It's on a jeep of some sort. I see the letters

.. and I think to myself. Where the hell is that place?
I have seen OBX and for the locals OCM but DNR?

Then I think... "do not resuscitate"? Which the year of nursing school taught me stood for DNR.

Oh. My. God.
I need one of those stickers.

...for my car!
Seriously I love my car. It is a lovely Dodge Stratus (refer to Will Ferrell skit on SNL)
It is 10 years old and has been, well, resuscitated a couple of times. (WAY more than I can even count)
I can't even begin to explain the seemingly random and always disastrous events that have happened to me while driving that car. Nothing that hasn't made me a better person today (and way more equipped, flat tire? got it. Dead Battery? No problem. Overheating? Seriously I can handle anything now)

But I digress, this post was more about the comedy of the situations my car has put me in (not the severity of life and death situations it has also put me in) So to me a huge "DNR" sticker on my car would be so appropriate.

Because after a new transmission, some major engine fixes, huge alignment issues, 3 blown tires and possessed wiper blades I think it may be time to put my car to rest if and when (please be later rather than sooner!) it finally has another misadventure. Bessy,(Which is what I name all my cars) has been good to me. Especially for what I paid for her. But if she suffers another mishap I think it's time to get her to sign a "DNR"

...stay tuned.
Off for another fabulous friday, if Morgan would get here already!