Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Surrender Dorothy

another interesting post I never chose to post.. I am not sure why. Maybe because I was scared to put it out there. That I desperately want all the great things that come to shitty ass people. The love of a lifetime. And yet I felt like if I said it out loud, or really wanted it that I could never have it. I had to let it go.. and I did. And here I am, in the midst of another relationship. This one however.. I have no pattern for, we are not the same couple that I was in previous relationships.
And I am so okay with that. But it's always crazy for me to go back and read these things and see just how I felt at a certain time. I can remember feeling like this. Giving up. And I did. I let it effing go. I may have pushed it off a cliff even.

So here is the raw truth of why and how and when I let it go...

The Wicked Witch of the West was kind of a bitch. Writing evil messages in the sky and all.

But when Oprah says it, I listen. And she has said the same thing the Wicked Witch once said. "Surrender"
Now I'm not much of a crier but all this leavin Oprah's been doin has been a little much for me.
That woman is full of unbelievable wisdom. I heard her say, that when you've done all you can do, pray, ask for , beg , try out, hope, wish, settle for, solicit, and all else you can think of. Surrender. Let go of what you you have been dying to come your way and release it to the world. Give it up to God is what she said. And I can't help but be in that mind set.
I've recently felt like I am a piece of crap for sticking to this mantra.
In the process, I have shut off all options that may or may not be knocking at my door. I can't apologize for this.

I have let it go, I honestly truly felt like I had done everything the correct way as far as love goes. I've worked hard, I've been bold and brazen, I've been calm and collected, I've been trepidatious I've been balls to the walls, I've been super supportive, I've done my own thing, I've held my tongue, I've said all that needs to be said, and everything in between.

And yet, my heart feels like it was ripped out by a one two punch. I would have to say I fall for pretty much anyone I am with. I don't date people I don't see a future with. So once I start dating someone I tend to easily envision life in rapid motion.

But I don't want any part of who I was with the last two. I was happy. But I was a girl who wasn't really seeing clearly I suppose. Love will do that to ya.
I went from one boy to the next and I thought one of them had the answers for me. For the life I had envisioned.

Insert husband here.

But hell, I wasn't trying to get married. I mean maybe eventually but hot damn, I couldn't have scared them away by talking about weddings and stuff cuz I wasn't talking about that crap.

So anyway, back to my point.
I feel like the bad guy now. I feel like I've done to others what may have been done to me. How do I stop this cycle of people who want attention but not a relationship. Who think they are clear but clearly not.
Who say one thing, and do that thing, but wink while they're doin it.

I don't want to apologize, cuz I don't feel what I am doing is wrong.
I wanted so badly the happy family, outwardly or just inward that it shaped my thoughts and actions. I didn't get it. I got thrown a curve ball and I feel like I am dealing with it appopriately.I have to let go
Oprah said so people!

So away it goes, my lust for love.
and I'm cool with it.

So, in conclusion, my bad if I seem like a selfish bitch who wants nothing to do with anything to do with a relationship. I'll see if the ends justify the means, and until Oprah directs me to do otherwise I'm riding myself of all want for the things that aren't mine.

...stay tuned.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ello Brovah

He is my bestest friend.
He is my twenty something younger brother.
This morning he calls me, I don't answer. I was at work at 6am, i forget to call him on my break. He calls again after I've made my way into JobTwo. I see his missed calls after one last night as well I finally call him back on my way home.

He has nothing to say to me. I ask him why he called, and he honestly called at one point just to vent and/or talk on his drive home.
He then called back because he thought today was my day off and he was concerned I was sleeping the whole time and not well.

Because we don't ignore each others phone calls. Almost certainly if one of us calls the other then the line is picked up whether it is just to say,"Can I call you back later?" or something stupid like our inside joke "Poop" "On You".. don't ask about that one.

As we both age I seem to notice that we both honestly do treat each other like best friends more so than brother and sister. It is probably the coolest thing to me to know that I have someone in this world who will support me, no matter what.
I have other family that claims that, and I believe some would also. But this boy would be there in a heart beat, he would love hurt or kill anything I told him to and he keeps me laughing all the time.

I couldn't imagine a better friend than him.
But is that weird? To be BFF with your lil bro?

I dunno, but I know that he doesn't know all the shit that has been going on lately with me. Or he does, if he reads my blogs. But we tweet, and DM eachother I don't think he is on the Blogger grind. Anyway, he may not know the reason I work like a crazy woman am in school and avoiding most human contact.
But he doesn't need it to be explained to him.
He will love me no matter what.

I unfortunately don't feel that from anywhere else in my life. Sadly, best friends to me, sometimes hurt me more than anyone else can.
My brother is a prime example of that.
We used to use trigger words to set each other off back in middle school days.
If I called him "fatso" or he called me "midget" thems was fightin words.
And we would go at it. Until Mom or someone else broke it up.

We don't still have any of that venom. Or maybe we do but we are each others support systems right now that it's not brought out. Maybe as we age and grow apart it will dig itself in.

But why is that? Why when you've got time apart does one person feel righteou and the other feel shitty? It's just scary to look at families who go through a tragedy in the family and they get torn apart.

I hope that never happens to my brothers and I. I hope it doesn't continue to happen to my other best friends with whom I currently feel alienated from.
But by my own accord I've needed the space, or lacked the time. Hoping I am understood in my reasons. Hoping it's not too late.

Because with my baby bro, late doesn't exist, if you show up, you're golden.

..stay tuned.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Funny how it works like that...

Every now and then I reflect on the people in my life and what they've taught me or what I may have taught them.
I ineviably return to the list of boys that has so briefly entered my life yet profoundly affected the way that I think and behave in relationships going forward.

But at some point, can I stop being the girl who gives
Overwhelming love
Tough exterior
Super soft interior
and every ounce of myself

when all I seem to receive in return is
Serious Deep Thoughts
and a whole bunch of friends who are convinced I will forever be the single girl.

I'm so over the trend of men.
I have NO idea how to break this trend as they have been so vastly different from each other with the same damn result.

But I get myself all worked up, no matter who is around.
Or may possibly be around
Or may have texted me he will be around.
Ugh, I know that despite the fact that I plan to start my family in the next 4 years I have no hopes of breaking this cycle before then.

It's just funny to me. BabyMamaDrama has my bed, and I doubt I will ever see the cash he promised to pay for it since it's a ridiculously good bed.
But I just, I give.
And I want.
But I never get.
I give nothing, I ask for nothing from boys and I hope to get nothing. Cuz I'm happy not playing the game.
But wait, how does someone have seriously crazy number of texts to send one day... and within a few short weeks, there is not one text or call and it's to the place that if a call were accidentally dialed (I did it today on my stupid touch phone!)
that I would have nothing to say and be embarassed!?!?!

Oh lord I have no idea.
But some people do.
All the 9 million more people celebrating weddings and babies this year.
Accompanied with the 3083 trillion that will be celebrating 1 year this year as well..

Not gonna lie, my celebrity hero, Bethenny Frankel (Hoppy)
She chose one thing, finally after battling herself about whether one person could ask for go after and get all the things she wanted. So she chose.
And when she took that step everything else made its way into her life all on it's own.
So I am choosing. Right now. And maybe one day the other things will come.

..stay tuned.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Catch Me If You Can

You've just won a trip to la-la land. Four day three night excursion through blah blah town.. ever get those exciting phone calls that say you've won?
And you just need to chat with a couple people and fill out a couple more things and you can get your prize...Yeah well
I fell for it. Signed myself up for a tour of a resort that sells timeshares and at the end I would receive a free stay at that resort, another resort in Florida, a 100 dollar Visa card and 50 bucks to Chili's.

Um.. yes please. I just have to endure a tour? Of a place about 2 hours away.
Yeah, I'm game.

Soo it went a little something like this...
Oh hey friend who was supposed to join me for 2 hours of the driving, and be my plus one on the tour, you're sleepy? Gonna sleep right through my texts? Oh that's cool, I will drive my POS broke down hooptie all by myself out of town.

If I die JulieBooty, it's your fault. (I didn't die, don't worry, we're still friends)
Sooo, I arrive, about n 8 minutes past my scheduled tour. Whatevs, they proceeded to match me up with my tour guide who within 8 seconds of meeting me was telling me how naturally buff he is and does not have to work out his legs but did anyway two days ago and can't feel his calves.

Oh yeah, good start. Homeboy thinks I'm here for the tour, like for real. Like I care about ANYTHING going on inside this place.
He then shows me to this massive conference style room with hundreds of small tables where all the sales people are sitting with their suckers.. (me included)

I later find out this place is called "The Pit" which is very fitting.
I somehow end up having a conversation with this kid, I admit he is good at talking and well, I've never been at a loss for words. So like 20 minutes go by and I think we are waiting for something but we are indeed JUST talking.

Um, no dude, want the tour, the short version and I want to be on my merry way.
So I turn the switch to Super Sarcasm Mode and lay it on thick. And basically tell him we are going on the tour now.

He starts of showing me things I really thought did not need to be shown, Concierge Desk a random restaurant... seriously dude?
Oh dear God I'm going to die here I thought.

Then he says he is getting his vehichle to start the tour...
I'm thinking, GOLF CART

he drives up in his own Grand Cherokee...

whoa whoa whoa I am seriously going to die today, this man who has told me he was 31, I didn't believe him and he finally admits he is 24 and I catch him in his first lie.
Is the second lie that he actually works at this place and is a safe trusted human?
Holy Crap I serisouly thought about running away then.

Buuutttt I proceed.
I tell him he has "7 seconds to wow me" and no more.I clearly stated that I would stop listening after that. I gace him twenty whole minutes.
Then I stopped listening.
At one point he asks me "How old do you think those cottages are right there?"
Me, clearly looking at aged homes "uhh, I dunno"
Him"Oh come on, guess"
Me" no"
Him " yes, just guess"
Me "two years"
Him "wow, good guess.. 38 years actually"

...I think he got the point then and seriously stops spieling about ANY thing to do with the resort.
But then it gets weird.
He honestly starts talking about sex.
Or relationships.
Or both.

Remember I stopped listening.. so I barely peer to my left every now and then to acknowledge I'm alive and throw in a sarcastic comment.
But the comments start coming more frequently and he is desperately trying to get me to open up. I oblige with simple anecdotes about work or such else things that bore most people.

we hop out of the vehicle at one point as he is trying to tell me about "Cul De Sac Closes" which are legendary amongst the sales staff.
Some chick also asked to see his weiner earlier in the day.

What the HELL did I sign up for? Oh my God I almost wish I cared about this place and or the product he was selling so I could complain about how extremely unprofessional he was.

But, sarcastic tired BrookieBrooke did NOT care.
Right before the end I find out he isn't 24. He is 20. Whatever dude, I'm over this kids lies!
SO we go back into the pit, I've complained thoroughly that I wanted to be taken back and it was time for me to leave the GeeDee compound.
we get back, I chat with his boss.. whooooo
does not blink or stray from his gaze... which was my left eyeball.
So creepy. But I clearly state that two jobs and being in school renders it nearly impossible to have time to vacation at such a lovelyyyy resort.

AhemcoughBULLSHITcoughcough.. but it got me out of there and into the line to retrieve my gifts.
But not before Chase tries one last time to get my number.
I decline, again. Shake his hand and go on my way.

And I am flabergasted as I drive away. Did I just waste 4-6 hours of my ONLY day off in a month on this ridiculous experience?
Did I just enhance the value of these gifts by what I went through to get them?

You be the judge.
I'll be at Chili's throwing back Margaritas!

..stay tuned.