Sunday, January 9, 2011

" Playoffs?!?! "

(Jim Mora Sr. said my title quote, if you recall from the Coors Light commercials. I found that out last night. He was the then coach of the Colts (which was probably shortly after the team was stolen from my hometown! ))

Whewww.. that last one was a doozy.. sorry folks.

I was totally thrown for a loop and did not expect that much emotion to spew out of me.
Which is apparently my new thing. I like, cry now.

That is a weird sentence. But follow me here.. Previously, short of a limb missing or a death in the family, tears really weren't my thing. I just didn't cry. I grew up in a family of "suck it up". And I always did.

But now for some reason. I cry. Things aren't going right with my boyfriend. I cry.
Movies make me tear up.

You know that damn show Paula Abdul is on now? Live to Dance I think it is. Yeah definitely felt the tight throat and the eyes started to well up.

So the other night when I was trying to find a way to get over the harsh realities of who I am related to and just may have the same tendencies as. I cried.

Only for like a minute tho. On the phone with my best friend. So I gotta go be my normal tough girl self and watch my team get further into the Playoffs.

I am so freaking excited the last 3 years we have been in the Playoffs and I have more purple to wear than ever before.
It's actually starting to get alarming.

I've asked people to not purchase any more purple attire for me for a while. I am fearful of being.. "the purple girl" . In fact I watched an episode of.. some Style Network show where they re do your wardrobe and this lady was a purple lady.

The host was the daughter of a purple lady. It was very traumatizing. I do not want to get confused with those wack jobs who have purple frames, purple shoes and purple moo moos on..

But I also am superstitious about my sports teams and this year my superstition is that I cannot wear the Ravens logo and win. Though I have awesome jerseys and jackets adn scarves and hate and pants and sweatshirts and socks and cups and salt and pepper shakers (yeah that one is weird, but I plan on having my very own WOman cave and decorating it with all Baltimore stuffs) anywho. It's all invalid this year. Not able to wear drink from or use any logoed stuff.

So I carefully plan how I wear this purple and black combo.. In fact I need to do that now. The game is on in 2 hours. Gotta get a seat at my local watering hole.

Happy Playoffs!

...stay tuned.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Genetically Engineer This

People are worried about babies being all blonde haired and blue eyed if we start genetically modifying human chromosomes to people's specifications.

How about this.. let's not care about what people think they want on the surface of their child. How about we start controlling who breeds and/or we genetically modify children to take the "egotistical asshole" gene out. Cuz I'm so freaking tired of having to admit to sharing a gene pool with some. Like you are worried your kid won't be 6'7 and play basketball and make you rich.

How about we create the kid and ask them what they hate about you and then reverse the process and take those genes out. To the future person's specifications.

I mean damn... if we are gonna start down that road I'm just asking that maybe we take a look at that as a possibility... (No? Well, I tried to make the human race better. You can't say I didn't try.)

When you grow up you start seeing people for who they are. Not just your family with labels like Dad, Mum, Sister or Uncle.. they are just regular freaking people. That you have to deal with a lot more often. And with awful terrible qualities and hysterical quirks and most of them have so many redeeming qualities that it makes it all worth it in the end.
But you still always call your family "crazy" to any outsider or new relationship you are inviting to a family gathering for the first time.

It's just a buffer to show that you are aware these people aren't normal but you had no control of how your family trees branches extend.
So no one can blame you. Right?

Well blame me if you want... I will gladly admit that having me in their lives has affected the outcome of who these people are. So maybe it's my fault for being the kid I was. Which in turn created the monsters I'm dealing with now. (Unrealistic,yes but I'm willing to go there to prove that I don't give a F@*% anymore)

My younger brother is dependent on many people and I was (and probably always will be) there for him when he doesn't or hasn't done much for himself, and struggles. You know why? Cuz he is my best friend. He loves me. He is there for me. He pisses me off every effing Christmas and many other times when he acts like he is the only one who matters. But he is freaking hysterical. Like seriously you will never hang out with him, ever, without smiling hard or cracking up. Not even a funeral.
It's a talent. A redeeming quality, if you will... he's got a couple damn good ones I'd say.

But there are some people who I would like to un-relate myself to. It's seriously appalling. And my pride is a huge reason why I put up with it time and time again.
For example, I am too proud to say that I don't have a relationship with a big part of my family, by choice. I've always craved things to be "by the book" and I like symmetry and things nice and even and balanced. So to cut someone out, seems to go against those ideas of how I think I like my life.

So many people have lost loved ones and would give anything to have time with them now. And to say to someone that I've chosen to cut myself off from a person to whom I'm related... seems disgusting. Like I'm spitting in the face of what a family is all about.

Especially when the reason wouldn't be some awful tragic story of them beating me or inappropriate touching or something for real serious like that. Cuz those people who sever ties with an abusive (in any form of the word) relative get a free pass from me.

No judging here. I would never fault someone for walking away from that. I do know that people say blood is thicker than water. And "that's your _______, doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Like that really matters?

These are people. And people are freaking terrible and disappointing and human and mean and sad and ruthless and egotistical assholes. And I feel like I can't stand it anymore.

Am I to the point where I am able to take a stand and let my broken heart heal again but this time without the fear and ultimate knowing of the future hurt that will inevitably happen again.? I don't know that yet.

I swore to myself I would start doing things for me this year.. and the first week in it's like someone is testing me. Like God is saying "oh, so you want to do things that are going to benefit you?" "For real, you want to work on becoming better and happier and healthier?" "Here is the BIGGEST test of your almost 26 years on this planet.. ready.. set.. go."

And BOOM! Egotistical assholes go into full effect and I cannot believe I have to be in the same room as these people and act like they don't make me sick.

In this year alone the amount of times I have shed tears matches the amount of times I've cried in the last 10 years.
I'm repulsed that people can bring me to this point and I continue to allow it to happen.

I'm going to take away their power. By simply choosing my words very (oh so very ) carefully and expressing my last attempt at civility. And when the time is right. The white flag will be thrown and I will bow out gracefully.

I will absolutely not live the rest of my life battling a relationship that is forced upon me because of our status of being relatives.

.. I just got excited. It SOOOO is not going to happen like, tomorrow. But I know that I am doing the best thing for me. And maybe for a multitude of my other gene pool swimmers who are dying to say or do the same thing.

Change.. it ain't just for Obama.

I would be doing a disservice to my family, every one of them if I didn't acknowledge that each one of them has brought me to this wonderful place of happiness at some point. That they've gone out of their way to accommodate myself or others around me so kindly. They are charming, sweet, strong, unbelievably intelligent and all around amazing people.I am blessed, so truly blessed to have the family that I have.
It is this reason that I've chosen to write about it and possibly shake things up with some action following my words. My family is so important to me, this Thanksgiving I was speechless for days at trying to explain to fellow family members just how grateful I am for my immediate family and each one of my 30+ first cousins, and 20 something aunts and uncles and much more. They are the reason I want to start procreating today until my house sounds like an entire school. They are my heart and they are the reason I love my life so profoundly.

But no one gets a pass to suck the life out of me.Sorry, you picked the wrong year to be a punk ass bitch.(again)

...stay tuned.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Twenty something...

The year of the ME.. well I don't know what it is the year of.. nor do I care.
This year is all about me damnit.

Not that every year doesn't have it's ME moments but I cannot will not try to repeat the chaos-ity of last years festivities. Now don't get me wrong.. I'm all about being the support system for people.

In fact, it kinda makes me who I am.I would SO much rather be someone else's rock than to actually go chase my own dreams..

((((( halt the screeching tires))))

Strike that, reverse it. Well at least this year I am going to give a big middle finger to the world and say SUCK IT to all the peoples and their happy weddings and cute little fat cheeked babies being born.

But I'm gonna do it with class.. cuz the lil sis just asked me to be her Maid of Honor for her October wedding.. so trust me I ain't turning down that honor.

I heart this girl and cannot wait to see these two married.. I love them both so much and again.. would dream of nothing more than to be there to support them in this endeavor.

So my mini meltdown just days before 2011 is in the past.

But God was I ready to let that year go by the wayside. I've never felt less like a human than when I was just over scheduled to show up and/or organize an event for people for whom I love, multiple times a month, for a whole freaking year.
Seriously,sometimes I just wanna be invited to things.. not be an integral part of them. There is a little extra joy in seeing an invite in the mail with your name on it that you didn't write yourself. Or that you haven't already been yelled at for not yet responding... aren't I just assumed at this point?
Granted my plus one ditched me around July when the going was getting tough in the scheduled events field so I do understand a little extra clarification for the invitees at that point.

That sounds so Sally Spoiled.. at 25 watching all those people have their shit together and make big boy (girl) moves was a little tough to swallow at times.

I definitely want to be there. But freak at the actual thought of it all.. so just playing Bridesmaid was enough for me. Until I did it 4 times in one year. Then it gets harder.

There is no effing way Katherine Heigl did it 27 times. Bitch lied.

She would have jumped out a 27 story building before she got to that 10th wedding...

But enough about her.. cuz I really could not care for an actress any less than her.

Twenty Eleven is here y'all...
Nothing cooler than trying to explain a whole new year to 4 year olds... which is what I spent my Monday doing.

So here's my idea.. and someone hold me to this around April I will have probably forgotten but I'm writing this shit down to try to hold myself accountable (yeah that's a new thing in 2011!)

I'm trying something new every week of this year.

Sounds lame right.
I know.

But it's cool, for someone as rigid and unable to deal with change as myself this is pretty awesome. Little things like trying a new smoothie flavor at my favorite Smoothie Shop (Tropical Smoothie Cafe gets my vote! Def not Robeks!)

or Drinking coffee.. to lay off the energy drinks until I get the allergy thing figured out. So what if it's flavored coffee with flavored creamer and plenty of sugar.. I'm sure it's better for me than 23436 AMPs. I however have yet to grow a pair and order a real coffee drink at Starbucks.. it scares me.

or Working really hard at thinking before I speak.
Mind you, the bf has a daughter and thusly, a baby momma. So I am trying to tread lightly in that a child who has a step mother, and in contact with my mother as to her thoughts as the baby momma (actually ex-wife.. little different but same gist of a relationship with the kid and step mom)) S I was proud when I played the "well she has a lot on her plate right now" card when Mr. Cool didn't get the little one for his families big Christmas thing. Though I wanted to be more like this.."Listen bitch, you have your new hubby and a new baby let the boy have the love of his life for a few fucking hours since he drives out to the middle of no where since your lazy ass doesn't help a brother out ever.. SHIT!"
But I haven't been formally introduced yet.. so I thought I'd lay low for the next 38 years while they work it out between themselves.

Wow.. tangent.. sorry.

But for realsies this feels amazing.
I spoke about my knowledge of this relationship being the last one I'm ever in..

but not cuz I'm dying.. cuz I don't know that yet.
My hypochondria may have led some to believe this was the case at any given moment but I have insurance now!

So I'm going to schedule like 9000 doctor's appt's this year and get myself all figured out. So I can stop telling people my food allergies are going to be the death of me.

Oh gosh it feels so good to write again.. I'm sure reading this feels nothing like that though.

I apologize.
Cuz I'm lazy and don't want to edit this.

So. Stream of Consciousness thanks for being a cover for people who talk to effing much and have exhausted all the ears of their loved ones.

... Cheers to a wonderful year that will have a Domino effect on all my other years being as magically productive and equally balanced.

...stay tuned.