Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

I'm pretty sure everyone has some crazy cockamamie conspiracy theory that they have come up with and truly believe.
Like the government is listening to our cell phone conversations.
(whaaaaaaat!? !That's for real, like for real for real!!?)

okay how about...

GPS systems can be hacked into and people can stalk you everywhere you go
(that's legit too? Shiittttt!)

the leprechauns at the end of rainbows aren't handing out gold coins from their pots, instead they're armed with pistols and glocks.
(hello It's a freaking recession!!) (What? Just me?)

But for real. I have this twinge every time I fill up my car with gasoline. This slight hesitation. I believe I am being taken for a ride. (Pun intended) Bear with me here while I explain..

Let me start by saying my car is well, jinxed, to say the least. So as a fun joke (my car is freaking HIL-arious by the way) the regulator or valve or flux capacitor or some other car sounding word thing inside the gas tank doesn't work.

I cannot fill up my gas tank like everyone else.

I have to stand and hold the nozzle at a very specific angle with the exact amount of pressure on the handle for my tank to allow gas to flow into it. If I don't do exactly as my tank demands it immediately ceases all flow and allows me to adjust and try again.And again and again. Sometimes just pennies worth of gasoline get in, sometimes dollars but if I move the slightest bit from that point that was working. BAM! Off goes the pump and all the people at surrounding pumps either think I'm dense as shit and keep trying to top off my tank or that I'm dense as shit and don't realize there is a little lever underneath that will allow you to lock the nozzle in as is and walk away as it still pumps.

So I may be paying a bit more attention to detail than others. You lucky bastards that get to stick it in and walk away. (that's what she said!Wait!What? Dangsies I don't even like that's what she said jokes!)

Anyway, It is a pain in the freaking ass. And have you seen the weather channel lately?!?Holy frigid nipples Batman! It's colder than Arnold Schwarzeneggar's hands after a long ride home from a masterful evening of evil. My little ass has to stand outside for every glorious moment of gasoline to drip into my tank.

So there I am. Holding the pump a lot closer than I care for. Sometimes with two hands. (Yes I recognize the visual you all just got.)
I am FULLY convinced that when you pre pay. Which I never used to do. Not because of this suspicion but because I never had cash money. Now that I am a waitress, it's all I have and I feel like a drug dealer at times.
(It's the presence of 1's that separate the drug dealers from the strippers by the way.)

My only option nowadays it to make it rain on the cashier and give him that Andrew Jackson that it takes to flll my take. And as I am sure you all well know, when you pre pay, they slow down the flow of liquid as it nears the total amount.

Some places are different than others. Some start slowing down at 50 cents to go others anywhere up to 10 cents to go.
Locally its about 30 cents to go.

Here's my contention. I believe there is NO MORE GAS FLOWING into my car as soon as that pressure drops and the numbers slowly climb to the total. I honestly believe that I am no longer getting any more gas at this point. I can't be. Especially in this weather. Does gas freeze? Cuz it would totally do that in the tube if it was going as slow as it does with the little amount that is supposedly coming out.

So that's my conspiracy theory. And I don't think I can do anything about it. That's whats most upsetting. Taking on the Oil Companies. What am I ? Erin Brocovich?

I'm not. I will tell you that. And I am no Julia Roberts playing Erin Brocovich either. Dangsies!

I guess I could stop this nonsense and always pay with my card. But then I would have to be responsible and go to the bank and deposit shit and check my balance and stuff.

Is probably rather bitch about losing 30 cents worth of gasoline every time.

Anyway I'm totally buying a hybrid suckers! That'll teach 'em.

...stay tuned.

Monday, January 19, 2009

That little extra tip.

A little piece of me died last night.

The piece that is a die hard Baltimore Ravens fan. That is actually a huuuuugee part of a little girl.

Luckily there is enough left of me to go on... that is until I showed up at work and had to come to terms with two bets I made. With Steelers fans. Ew.

I also have tons of Steelers fans that are my friends. (I continually ask myself why that is, but I just cant seem to get rid of them.) So of course my Facebook wall is lit up with people in hysterics about their team sweeping my team this season.
A fact that I was not willing to admit. The second regular season game was won by a bullshit touchdown.
I don't blame much on the refs but I just don't agree with that call. You can review it all you want ESPN and draw a little line to show me just how the ball crossed the plane but I refuse to believe it. The refs took just a little bit of time to TURN OVER the ruling on the field. Which was no touchdown. (ahembullshitcoughcough)

Last night however was indeed a fair fight. We lost fair andsquare. We did not have enough steam to take us to their goal line one more time. Not that that alone would have done it. But we were a team that has played 17 weeks in a row. And a team whose starting line up reflected the lack of time off.
But the injured wanted to play last night. Willis, Ray Rice, and T Sizzle, who barely moved his right shoulder unless he was sacking Baby Ben. (Which was freaking GLORIOUS)

And many more were banged up before during and after this game. Willis McGahee being the most concerning of all. a hit the likes of which I have never seen. Both players were shaken up but I thought he was paralyzed.My heart sank and that is when I threw in the towel. The terrible towel that is.

I dreaded going to work today, but found a way to get through it.

You know, you can completely deflate a persons arrogance and gloating if you just happily smile and go with the flow. So yes, I will be donning a Steelers jersey during the Superbowl. I will not bitch about it.

In fact, my secret plan is to use it to my advantage. A poor little girl has to work in a gross yucky Steelers jersey and serve you food and work for tips. Wouldn't you want to give her a little extra tip to help her through?
That's the angle I am working. I'll let you know how it pans out when that fateful day is upon us.

So through the smile, my heart is broken. I was Wacco for Flacco hon.
But then again a rookie QB and Head Coach going to the AFC championship aint half bad by me.


...stay tuned.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I'm kind of a big deal.

That's me in the middle.
I recently went to LA and met up with Heidi and Giselle and Tyra and those girls. It was cool, I got to wear a shirt like theirs.
Anyway, I am completely full of shit. But I had fun making this little picture. A slight exaggeration of a dream that I kind of have. I have always said that given another foot in heighth and I would totally be a model. Probably not true, but easy to cite my lack of tallness as the reason why I am not there with those women in reality.

Create your own FACEinHOLE

I created another one for my brother. Hysterical because I'm pretty sure he doesn't like Beckham and would rather meet Wayne Rooney.

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Whose face is replaced by his. Anywho, I think I could do this all day. If I didn't have a job.

Oh,I dont have to be at work until 6pm tomorrow? Sweet. Be expecting more of these! I'm gonna create a whole web of lies and start printing them out and framing them. I'll be a fake celebrity stalker monger whore thing. Kind of like Perez Hilton.

Nice to be back by the way.

...stay tuned.