Monday, March 28, 2011

Joining a covant.. or whatever it's called

I just decided.
Today. Actually like 23 seconds ago.. that I am giving up my earthly possessions and going to find a local "nun place" (hahaha I have NO idea what they are called, and I'm clearly too lazy to look it up)
and ask them to take me in.

Immediately and forever. I can. not. stand. men.
Whatever it is that I have, that makes them turn insane and drive me insane. I want it to stop.

On second thought, I may just need an exorcism.
"I have exerciiiiiiised the demons, this house is clear" (I <3 AceVentura!)
There is definitely some evil goin on.

I toiled with the idea of simply going lesbian... but I'm pretty sure I would bash my own head in trying to deal with another woman. Besides part of my issue with the men I date anyway is that I strongly desire them to take charge and be all manly and stuff. (Seems easy enough right?)
But a butch woman I doubt will come anywhere near as manly as I need my men.

So does anyone know anyone who knows anyone who does exorcisms?
Or maybe is a nun?
Or could give me a drug that could sedate the next man until it's years into the relationship he feels trapped but is too scared to walk away because when he came to there was a gorg (yes, me) woman who was bossing him around and he was happily swiffering the floor, so he figures he will just stick around, for like, ever.

Or maybe, is a lesbian and can really vouch for being in relationship with a woman.

No, that last one probably won't work.
I'm definitely going to hope for one of the top 3.

Which means, my fate is in your hands. My life could take drastic turns from here people... be careful with it!

...stay tuned

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Happy One Hundred

Can't believe I have 100 posts on here!
I can't believe some of you are still here reading this!

I am currently drinking a Blue AMP and trying to get Baby shower stuffs done, JobTwo training ish and simultaneously trying not to hate every man ever.

It's a perky slash Agro Crag kind of day.
(Remember the Agrocrag?.. Yeah not really me either. I just know it was on some kids game show... and when I lived in LA we used the word Agro instead of angry.. so somehow Agrocrag was born to show a heightened level of anger)
(God, I'm weird)

Fighting with my normal sense of irrationality. I want to get this baby shower stuff go get the decorations and plan the menu.
But I am such a ridiculous human.. if I do things early or on time I tend to OVER do them. Like wayyyy more decorations than I need. Or end up getting things that I will not actually use.
if I wait.. I will inevitably forget something and stress hardcore about not having enough time to get all the things I need.

It is seriously scary inside my brain sometimes. I think I've said that like 25346346 times recently. I wouldn't know cuz I don't tend to read what I write. I put it out there and hope that no one catches any huge gaffes in my spelling or grammar but as far as content.. I kinda have a "Go F%#$ Yourself" attitude.

Hahah maybe that's why I can't keep a relationship going. I really believe I am awesome just the way I am. And "crazy" isn't part of that. You know how guys like to deem girls "crazy". Yeah I don't fall into that category.. but I always say I'm crazy in a different way. Like actually, weird not making sense, have huge hang ups, like things my way, I am messy and organized at the same time. I am loud and uber silent. I make zero fucking sense. But I totally get me.

Men.. not so much.

It's not like I have time for anyone else in my life anyway.
I've seriously got some things lined up that make me seem like a crazy go getter type. Hhahaha and back to the crazy thing.. cuz I am currently sitting in a seriously messy bedroom and pretending it's going to clean itself.

I swear in my head.. I have these relevant topics I'm going to discuss on my blog. And clear thought out messages that will make sense. But by the time I get to my computer I'm either fuming, exhausted or rushed. Seriously, it's only those three things that bring me to hide in my bedroom and put the keyboard on my lap.And start tap tapping away.

But I got a new APP on my phone that should help organize me.
BWHAHAHAHAHA.. I also write one a FULL sheet of paper EVERY single day, my to do list.
I write in dry erase marker on my full length mirror.
The things I don't feel like doing.. carry over onto SO many of those lists it's ridiculous. Someone might go to sit in the passenger side of my car. Look at my folded sheets of paper and see check marks and think "wow, she is really getting things done". But upon closer inspection.. seeing the same line
"CDA Follow up info"
"2009 taxes"
"Pay Credit Card Bill"
on every effing single one of those papers might make me look like a lazy bastard.
I like to think I'm somewhere in the middle.
The taxes are almost done.. just need to send in the State.. and since I owe them money I am putting that one off until the next pay check.
But if I took it off the list.. I would assume it was done and forget. So everyday for the next two weeks I will be staring at that one. Along with the Credit Card bill... it's not due for almost 3 weeks.. but I HAVE to make it visible or it fades from my consciousness.

Also, Laundry probably makes the list every other day. Cuz I hate it. So freaking much. I put it on there knowing full well I don't need it on there.. the GIGANTIC pile of clean clothes that remains IN laundry basket ON my bed needs to be put away.
Like last week.
Also the GROWING pile of whites and darks needs to be put INTO the wash. Sometimes I write it down just to piss myself off.. Like uhm Brooke.. You don't seriously need to check this one off. it shoulda been done already. Why are you sleeping on a small sliver of the bed just to avoid the laundry basket and hangers placed there and ready to get put away. Hahaha

CRAZY. I tell you. Not, freak out "where are you, why aren't you answering your phone?" kinda crazy. But crazy none the less.

Gosh I love me.

..stay tuned.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Don't even bother reading this.

Dear Youknowhowyouare,

You're a jerk. I should have seen this coming. I didn't,however cuz I'm a girl and a hopeless romantic. Thanks for nothing.

Love always cuz I'm an idiot and I care about people who don't give a shit about me,
Yours truly.

Happy Saturday everyone else it's gorgeous and I am going to taste food at the vineyard where my sisters wedding is being held in November. It's a sunny day and I just bought cute new clothes. Who needs a boyfriend when you have a boyfriend sweater. Seriously it's super cute and it doesn't ignore me when I wanna traipse it all over town.
It's pretty cool.

...and rant... over.

..stay tuned

Thursday, March 24, 2011

"Auntie Em! Auntie Em!"

So I wish I could show you just how I've got my computer set up for the sole sake of being connected again. I don't have a desk and things are just plugged in and shoved in the corner of my new room.
Yes, new room. Cuz lucky me I finally found a place to live. I was couch surfing for a while. I now have 3 and a half roommates and I am so excited to be in a place where I can hang things on the walls and be up until all hours of the night just doing whatever I want to be doing.

So the tornado is starting to slow down and the rainbow is shining.
Here is a list of shit that's happened recently that I cannot fathom trying to put into separate posts even though they've rocked my world enough to get multiple posts each.

My second job.. closed down. The doors were literally locked on Friday and I am out of my happy home there. I'm so sad. This place was amazing to me. I swore I would never be a waitress and when I finally caved and got this job I worked my way up and kicked ass and became friends with some truly good people. But everything happens for a reason right?? Seems like a pretty fucked up reason but I guess time will only tell. (Why do cliches always find their way in, in crappy situations?)

Broke up with BabyDaddy.. that's the nickname I will give him. Though he would not be my baby daddy.. my lack of babies would prove that. He and I will continue to navigate this weird space of admitting that both of us openly said and wanted to marry each other but somehow 5 months in we found it just wasn't gonna work. Now. I don't even think I will be revisited by these men with whom things don't work. But for some reason many people think that is how things will go down. Again, probably just euphamisms people are so used to saying despite reasoning. My mom is sad about this one. I know I know I know she really liked him. I feel bad for that. Littlest dude and my step dad liked him too. It was the baseball connection and the being older and having a child made him seem mature and ready for someone like me. So far from the truth. I don't think ANYONE is ready for this!

Moved into the new place, got bitched at for the way I left the last place. Which just crushed my soul but I am trying to make things right and just move on. I really just want to be settled and happy in a place for a while. No huge move and earth shaking things for a while. Seems crazy to ask for... but I am learning that since I never.. ever.. ever ask for anything from anyone that I never got anything either. Nothing was just going to be given to me. So as verbal as I usually am I am JUST NOW learning to use it to my advantage.

..stay tuned.. maybe I can manage to sit down and start clearly writing posts in the near future.. for now please be okay with mild ranting as I seriously hope to chill things out and live for a just a little while "under the radar"

..stay tuned.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I'll sleep when I'm dead..

A phrase I am often fond of saying to other people whilst they are pussing out on some adventure I would like a partner in.

But a phrase I also seriously tend to live by.
I love sleep. Do NOT get me wrong. Lazy Sundays.. yeah, during football season there will probably be no adventures to be had when my Baltimore boys are playing.

However, I have found I'm more inclined to fill up this time with a second job.
As I write this I am avoiding studying for my training sesh at a new job. A new second job, I should be clearer.

I have a Monday thru Friday janks... and I love waking up to play with kids.
But it's also not the most economically smart move to throw my heart and soul into one child care facility. Because my wallet might as well be tossed into a bonfire at that point.

I love it. I do. And I hope that my hard work pays off and I accomplish some really great thing at this place. I plan to move up. (for the first time I also plan on making sure my achievements and efforts are rewarded or compensated, kinda tired of being the right hand man who has nothing to show for it except cool words to add to my resume)

But I am too damn hyper to sit idly by and spend all that hard earned money on some really cool adventures, just to have a story.

I'm the girl who will plan out an adventure to a T. But I gotta work for it first. Earn a day off or two.

So here goes nothing as I race ahead to fill my schedule to have one day off and many days on.. and sleeping... well.. when I am dead.

..stay tuned.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

One too many...

The AA saying goes.. "One drink is too many and a thousand is never enough"
Well color me drunk because the last few weeks I've sought solice in the bottom of a bottle.. Not hardcore but definitely straying from my normal routine of being a one drink wonder..

The craziest loudest dancing machine at a bar that ISN"T drunk was usually how I played it.

But after Cashew and I broke up, it seemed to just happen a lot more.
(I've got so many possible nicknames for him I may interchange them, beware: confusion ahead)

I am at a loss right now. I have this "Say Anything", John Cusack moment running through my head. Does that shit happen in real life? I have always wanted it to happen to me. But what if I was the one holding the boombox over MY head?

I can't help but feel like my intuition was right. From the very beginning I knew this guy was for me. He was mine. Not just one that would be mine at some point. But mine. Like for good.

I have no problem speaking about how I currently feel because I can't see how it could get any worse. I don't have him. I see it is a last ditch effort to maybe prove to myself that these moments. The slow motion montage scenes with people running into each others arms, turning around one last time, picking up the phone, wipe the tears away and do something about it moments really do happen.

They could right?!
Love stories.. a thing of the past?

I firmly believe I was born in the wrong era. I was meant to be a wife of some man who through all the years we spent together... the fights the really bad struggles the ups and the downs we were 90 something years old saying how proud we were that we never gave up.

Where are those stories these days? Nobody seems to be able to stick it out. For me, there is no other option. The one I marry, if I marry, will be the only one.
It can't be any other way. Divorce rocked my childhood and I refuse to let anything that toxic into my life again.

Wow, that took a turn for serious. I just wonder. A lot.
And since receiving a message from his sister.. and a FB chat convo with his mother. I can't help but think, this really is a family I was meant to be a part of.

It didn't help that 24 hours after I broke it off, a boy who has been chasing me for over a year found himself in front of "Single B" for the first time.

He was just like all the others tho. I put a spell on people from far away.
They are charmed and allured. They snap out of it very quickly though.

And I am left on the top of the roller coaster climb, left to free fall alone. Again.
He wasn't anyone I cared deeply about.

Clearly because I have yet to let go of the one who had a convo with me about "when" we would get married. Not "if".
I'm an idiot.
Thus, the booze fueled nights where luckily I haven't texted him. Yet.

I never told this one I loved him. Cuz I didn't. But I don't date anyone for real if I don't see their potential.

And then I am left with a broken "potentially amazing" ex boyfriend.

I am a hopeless romantic and that part of my brain. The one that is telling me to get off my ass and write a letter. (You know the old fashioned type. Pen and paper)
Leave it on his doorstep and let him choose to meet me in a place that was special to us.

As un-girly as I claim to be.. this has got to be the girliest idea I've ever had.
Do I have enough balls to do it? And do I have enough strength to pick myself back up if it doesn't go as I would hope?

These are the questions that are yet to be answered.
But I do know that when I saw him recently, he was kind,sweet, helpful and I cried as I drove away from him.
I don't cry.

But for someone I didn't love. I have cried a lot over him.
oh Lordy, the inner workings of 26 year old brain is quite frightening at times.

...stay tuned.