Thursday, July 29, 2010

Beacon of Light

You know, children have a way. A way to absolutely show you love in the most unconditional form. Most people are missing this from their lives.

They are an absolute pleasure to be around. I probably scolded and redirected the children in my class like 2350895 times today. But if you asked me how my day was, I would emphatically respond with "wonderful!" Because it isn't this group of children that is special. It is all children.

I guess I should first say that JobOne and JobTwo are now no longer. I have a new JobOne. And old JobOne may be come JobTwo. But right now I can't stomach teh thought of going back to a restaurant. I left, I feel amazing not dealing with shitty people and their food and their shitty attitudes when things beyond my control go wrong.
I had fully intended to keep them in my back pocket and use that job as a safety net for extra cash flow. Cuz lord knows I need it. But I've always been more a fan of personal happiness than personal financial gain. Call me crazy.

Anywhoozle, I seriously wake up in the mornings, excited. Okay I lied. I wake up groggy and pissed off that my sleep was disrupted. And as of late I am even more perturbed that there is no longer anyone next to me when I wake up. (But I won't go off on that tangent!) But minutes after I have actually awoken from my slumber I put on my happy face and go trudging forward through the muck and the crap that the rest of the world is throwing at me. It's all adults who fling the jaded attitudes my way and the overall piss poor oras.

I wish everyone could be near a child and feel the absolute wonder that is going on beside them. So many people give me a face, like "OH MY GOSH" or "i Don't know how you do it" kinda face. Really People? You would rather talk to Joe Schmo about selling this or that to them? You find joy from your little doggies tail wagging when you come home? You like typing up and printing reports on this market trend or that sales goal? Blah Blah Blah I would kill myself.

Give me one child who didn't want to get out of bed this morning, one who always asks questions every 8 seconds, one who thinks that laughing when the whole class is quiet is the best thing ever, one who doesn't talk and if they do they are only talking to themselves, and like 15 more who are just like them. Give them all to me and I will honestly tell you everyday I will go home with a smile on my face and every day I will arrive with a smile on my face.

I am not without struggles believe you me (bubs that one was for you). It is nearly impossible for me to get school aged kids to settle down enough for me to even re decorate the room to enhance their learning experience. It is awful repeating myself over and over again. It is heart breaking to watch a child cry for their mother for 9 straight hours. It is humanly impossible to rid yourself of a headache in a classroom where quiet will NEVER exist.

But that one random hug. That sweet "I love you Ms.Brooke" or the parent who comes in and thanks you for the fact that their child never wants to leave and can't get there fast enough each morning. Those are what I live for. And I am thankful that at least one of those things happens, EVERY, SINGLE, DAY.

Can you tell me that the days you put into your job once you've finished an exciting project or gotten a raise you've been working towards or problem solved an issue that no one else did, those days following that are just as rewarding as the days during? I highly doubt it.

As someone who one days wants her own class sized brood, I am thankful people are willing to let me borrow theirs each day to awe and wonder at these amazing things that bring my heart sheer joy.

I've been absent from this role for a couple of years now and am left wondering why. I don't suppose I will leave it again any time soon. Because not only do I get to work 8-5 but I know what a weekend is meant to be now. I know that if I make a mistake the surrounding humans will forgive me. They will embrace me with open arms and show me the way. Each day they are being taught to do just that. So given the opportunity they will show you what they've learned. Tell me that in your career there are the same graces?

And that is my ultimate goal. Give each child the tools to make the world a better place. I won't do it FOR them and I cannot do it alone. They are my army of kindness, my warriors of change and my beacons of light. Because as long as they prove to me over and over again that in this world you can love everyone and everything without reason and with reckless abandon I will continue to lead them in that direction.

They need me to be a warm body to watch them, that is really all they need from me. But I need them to do what children do best. Be awe struck and wonderous and ultimately good, full of love and the desire to learn.

I never want to get away from that. Most jobs I've ever worked would say that I always arrive with a smile on my face or a perky attitude. It's hard to take that away from me even in the crappiest of jobs. But I learned it all from them. Good day bad day or in between these children are saving me from myself. At 25 years old I refuse to be sucked into the world that we call "the real world".

Grown-ups and grumpy attitudes,not for me. Thanks but no thanks. I look like I'm 12 and I hope to act like it for the rest of my life.

...stay tuned.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Too much of a good thing?

I've not had my computer handy for months, thus the lack of communication on my blog.

There has been so much happening I would have loved to share. Almost 7 months ago I met the man of my dreams. Alas, nothing lasts in this world and I have had a blogging break up. I've never had my heart broken before. Never been in love before. There is a first time for everything. And this, at 25 years young is my first, real, break up.

Kill me now. Just kidding I think I am surviving relatively well. I hate tears and all that is associated with being sad. But I cannot hide the truth. I am indeed quite sad. I may not let on. I may blatenly tell people. "I am sad" which seems to boast the opposite when you are out galavanting around with them just talking about your sadness rather than wallowing in it.

I had ONE day that I let myself wallow in it. It was horrible. The tears and the snot and the murmuring to myself. It's all very strange to me to let that release happen at such a stage in my life. I feel like I'm too old to act like that. Like a sniveling, sad puppy. It's unbecoming and I don't fancy the results.

Being, the exact feeling you had before. What does crying beget you? Nothing. Tom Hanks was right. "there's no crying in baseball!" nor should there be in life.
Now even just weeks ago, I would have sung you the praises of a 24 year old gorgeoous man that stole my heart in Key West, and that's why we will call him "Keys".

Keys was a lively spirit full of energy that I had been lacking in so many of my previous relationships. You may recall my affinity for older men. Much older than myself. They pretty much come with a sign that says, "Caution,Slow Old Men At Play" and I was missing a level of spontanaeity in any relationship with said men.

This one had it, we themed our relationship "adventurous". Well apparently as soon as the novelty wore off he woke up and realized he was telling a girl he loved her and it seemed a bit boring and maybe he was saying something he didn't mean.

A problem I have yet to encounter. I very rarely speak something that is not exactly how I feel. Which is why he and I have not spoken since the day after our break up. We've texted and it's been cold. I feel like I don't even know this human with whom I was head over heels for just DAYS ago.

We change, as people should. But how can one man utter the words , while laying in bed next to me, "I love you so much, and I don't tell you that enough I think." amd days later he embarks on a vacation with family and friends to a tropical locale. He texts and unprompted "I love you" at 4am when the plane is leaving. Proceeds to enjoy a week of seemingly single bliss and returns to a gift on his front door, a note and the desire to not be in a relationship anymore.

UGH. It boggles my mind but the broken hearted girl in me desires to know "why?" "what happened?", "did you ever actually love me?" but the sane human in me realized the answers to this question do not contain any healing powers.

So for days and days I have been at a loss for words. I've written down the anger. The pain and the sadness of losing. The joy of what once was. The embarassment of feeling unrequited love. And he has yet to see any of those words. They are cathartic at times. The words go into the universe and I feel as though I no longer need to shake him violently or throw things at him.

It's weird. Today I realized I am better off.I would never want someone to be ina relationship with me if they weren't really IN it. So I can't wait until the day that a man captures my heart. Sweeps me off my feet and loves me until I can't breathe.
It will come. I know I deserve it.

The title of this post refers to the fact that I think my ability to put all of my thoughts and feelings into words may have done me more harm than good in this case.
Ive always believed that "honesty is the best policy" but apparently when you tell someone matters of the heart some times a little mystery or words left unsaid is a good thing.
I still think it's crap.
I'm an over communicator. I will find someone who knows that plans are good. Making and sticking with the commitments you make to someone are a sign of your friendship and love. SHaring that with many people is not a bad thing. Telling people where they stand with you is okay. In fact, most people appreciate it.
Praising someone and building them up is always better than breaking them down.

Simple things I thought most people understood by now.
Apparently I was wrong.

But to all you good people who read this.
Thank you for being my release this week. I am smiling and happy and am so proud of my best friend who just got married on Saturday. It was beautiful and their love keeps me going knowing that it's out there.

Blah Blah Blah, even with that I feel all sentimental and crap and it's freaking me out.
My old roommate just had a baby and really I'm over the games and the BS. There is too much good in this world to dwell on or get scared of the bad.

So. Off to Spencer's I got to buy a little bumper sticker thing of those stupid looking bunnies that read things like "Boys are Stupid".
Don't judge me I got dumbped a week ago.

Now where is that super hot man who was flirting with me and invited me to go rock climbing? I'm ready for different "adventures" now!

...stay tuned.