Friday, November 25, 2011

For you my friend...

This one is for you.
I know you'll read it eventually. And I unfortunately can't blog like I used to. It's toxic. It's hurt people, and it was never my intent. As is with this post. Truthful and emotional, yes but I hope you don't find hurtful at all.
But you have to know that I've both cried and yelled at my computer as I wrote this. I don't know what my intention is putting this out there. But I know that you shared with me some of your inner most thoughts recently. And I'll share some of mine at this time.

Here I sit, thinking….about all you’ve given to me to think about. You’ve once again presented the fundamental issue with you and/or all relationships. You only want what you can’t have. I served it to you on a platter. We’ve had this back and forth. Years and years we’ve built this relationship. I felt like It was me against the world plenty of times, but I had a secret weapon. You. You listened; you made me feel like I could handle anything. You were an amazing confidant. But you used it against me. You learned more and more about me and somehow kept your distance. You let me feel like at some point I could make you believe I was different. And there I sat, I watched you in your relationships. So many of them, and you easily showed how lackluster your feelings were towards these women. You obviously shared something with each of them. You are way more sensitive than you let on. And that’s fine. But you let each of them feel what I have sworn I will never let anyone make me feel. It may be a defense mechanism, but I refuse to be part of a less than stellar relationship. It’s just not how I see my cards being played. I want the world. I want a partner in crime. My best friend who is there for me, always. And that’s what I thought we were building. Though you don’t remember it the way I do, I distinctly remember telling you I loved you. I cared so deeply about you. I know I let you in on that. But you took it, and, well I’m not sure what you did with that information. You probably didn’t believe it. Because for some crazy reason you’ve got this notion that with the insane amount of intellect and humor and kindness that you possess that it’s not enough for me. Or your best friends sister. He may be my big brother, and I , his little sister. But I deserve everything imaginable and I get to decide what is or is not enough for me. Not anyone else. And it’s a cop out to let yourself believe that you aren’t enough for someone else.
I am both pissed off and relieved. I hate that it’s now. You waited until I said over and over again that the ship has sailed. And like I told you, I didn’t necessarily believe it then. But I made myself. And It’s become the truth. And I also have mixed feelings about the night we slept together. You told me it was gonna happen. For years. And I refused it, we never had the timing right. And I’m glad it didn’t happen back then. I would have been the one that was crushed the next day. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I had let you have every single piece of me and it not have turned into something. That night was my own way to finally let you have all of me, but I wasn’t going to get hurt. I never intended to hurt you then. But I can’t say that I feel terribly about the way you felt after one single night. Even the following days you never shouted from the roof tops. You didn’t really lead me to believe that you were thinking about me more than any other girl you just spent the night with. The days after were ANOTHER chance you for say one goddamn thing that proved something. I don’t want a text. A sweet little reminder of a night that I was looking for nothing.
You say you had this rush of amazement you were happy and remember every moment of that night and following days. I felt nothing. Truthfully, what I wanted that night and what you could give me, were two different things. In the past, it would have been enough. It would have made me as elated as it made you. But you spent YEARS pushing whatever you may or may not have felt about me away enough with lame excuses and flirtatious behavior that kept me coming back. I want to cry right now writing this. Because what you said to me last night was what I wanted to hear. Years ago.
Like I said. It’s not enough now. I know that part of me has given up on love. I feel more alone than ever. I have no partner to bounce ideas off of. I am coming to grips with the idea that I’ve dreamed of, is just that. A dream.It’s not reality and my future lies more in my to be adopted children. I know that I may never find a love sufficient enough to ease my soul. I want it all. You had so much of me. You had to have known that. I was willing to build the rest. I am no longer willing to start over and try to build something. I don’t want to. It’s not fair. I am hurt. I am crushed.
And yet, I’m unscathed. I know this way, the way in which I had to shut it down and walk away. Was the best way. I could not have handled life after the fact with my brothers best friend looming around as I floundered if we had tried and failed at a relationship.
You say you never felt like enough, you could have been. Your attempt at letting me know this now, is not enough. I don’t know why you told me all those things last night. I sat there calmly, almost unemotional at times, while listening to you. But it did and does hurt.
Cuz time shouldn’t be the only factor. But when it’s been drawn out. It’s exhausting and I don’t have the energy to let myself be loved. It’s quite sad really. We talked about self-sabotage, and we are both extremely good at it. I think you wanted me to know that I drove you a little crazy those days. That I hurt you. But I still don’t think anything about what you told me was action oriented. You still wouldn’t do anything to make your feelings come to fruition.
I’m sorry for both of us. We’ve been there for each other plenty of times. For that I am thankful. That’s all we will ever be. With a tremendous amount of respect for each other.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Right as Rain

I just reread the last two posts. And they could not have more different tones.

One speaks of happiness and joy and how everyday I strive to be there. To smile about something. It is usually rather easy for me.

and then

the most recent post speaks to my darker tones that are always there but not always at the surface. And that's just who I am.

Those two posts probably describe me most completely. I am one person with multiple sides. My favorite side is the happy go lucky side that lives for each day and is thankful for every stinkin thing that is positive in her life.
I can't think of another way to be.

Except when I am. Dark and emotional and in need of a lent hand to pull me out.
I will probably never ask for such a hand. But if I find there is a person in my life who grows to love me and knows all of me inside and out. They will hopefully be able to be that hand. Cuz I could have used a dominating force yesterday to throw the covers off of me and tell em to get my ass out of bed and stop wallowing.

So I may not have a type of man. I do have specific character traits that he will need. The ability to pick me out of my rabbit hole when life is behind me chasing me into it.

..stay tuned.


Three days ago, yesterday and thankfully not so far today; I have been a complete recluse. An emotional mess. I very rarely take a quick spiral down and cant pick myself up again. It took me until today to really get there. To not suck the life out of my own presence. I cancelled and avoided a social commitment I was rather excited to be a part of.

I lost my "bonus" grandfather on Thursday. I was lucky enough to have 8 grandparents at some point in my life. Well not exactly. I never knew my StepMother's mom. I barely knew my own mother's mother. Very strong women who even though I only knew one for a short period of time have impacted my life. But out of those 8, only 2 remain. My maternal Grandfather and my StepDad's mother.

The problem with a big huge large ginormous family? They can't last forever. Though truthfully I have tricked my mind into thinking that my immediate family is indeed going to. I have always wanted to live to be 100 years old.

But I want every other person related to me right there with me. Complettely unrealistic I am aware. However my delusions of grandeur have not allowed me to really process how horrific 100 just might be if I keep up this pace.

There is a resounding darkness in my life. It is death. I am not afraid of death for myself. I have no real qualms about it. I understand that one's time comes and one does not avoid, the end. (If you have seen a Final Destination or 5 you'd know that by now)

However, I have been exposed to death early and often. I was young when my grandmother passed away. I had a neighbor in a court I lived for a long time pass away. I recently lost my other Bonus Grandfather and my Paternal Grandmother and Grandfather.
I've lost two aunts, an uncle and most devastatingly, a best friend. Each of which I went to experience their funerals. My time to say goodbye. If I did not already get a chance to.

There in lies the problem. If I am only faced with the result and not the days weeks months, leading up to the end. I cannot wrap my head around it.

I feel as if the person was stolen from me.

Supremely selfish I am aware. I am consumed with the robbery. I cannot bring myself to an understanding that allows me to keep moving. Unless I must.

I am very good at putting on a brave face. My father taught me that one. And I can be other peoples rock. I can lift people as high as they are willing to go on my shoulders. I can support and remain positive for as long as necessary...for someone else. My mother taught me those traits.

For myself I go deep. I go dark. I can't see the way out. It's my way. I spiral down, and when all alone. Usually when I am driving.. my tears come. Quickly and ugly usually. I don't spend more than 10 minutes on one cry sesh and then I move on.

Unless I need more. And death.. usually requires more.
When I lost my best friend. It changed the way I felt about death.

She was so important to me. I loved her way of living. I love the way she affected people. I love the attitude she had. She was less of a best friend and more of a role model. I looked up to her. She was my age, but she was light years ahead of me.

I will never forget what I felt that day. It was a scene from a horror movie. The call, I dropped the phone and let out a guttural scream. I was "there" instantly. I called my father and uttered maybe 3 words.

"Nicole, she's.. gone"

I don't even think he understood them so he rushed home in the middle of the day to pick up his college aged daughter who was most definitely on the floor. Struggling to grasp any reason she would have been chosen to leave this earth.

I never did come to that understanding. I still would like to take it up with the man upstairs and claim he might have made a mistake.

I wear a blue bracelet, Every. Single. Day. to commemorate her. I think about her often. I talk to her mother and brother. I am at every event the foundation set up in her name, puts on. Her life affected me, her death will affect me for the rest of my life.

I hope writing this provides me with a bit of catharsis that I can continue today and not have a dark moment. I am heading to my family this evening to do the whole memorial thing in the next two days. Two days ago I flat out did NOT want to feel. I drank an entire bottle of wine to myself that night. No feeling. It was how I needed to cope. I knew it was coming.

I know my own soul and the way it works, and it hurts. I wanted to "feel" as little possible leading up to the fact that I knew I was going to be there tomorrow and Tuesday. Ugh. I don't even like writing about it because it makes it real.

On Tuesday I will get to say goodbye and hug and feel the support of many others who are saddened by our loss. And I will be much much better.

..stay tuned.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Dance! Monkey!

I don't know why I didn't post this at the time.. it was months ago... but here it is.. a little insight into what it was like to stop working two jobs. Which tends to be very often for me. As a matter of fact I ended it by saying don't let me get another 2nd job before January. Welp, it's January and I'm pretty sure by March I will be working as a bev cart girl at some golf course. Second jobs here I come again.. oh crap.I'm an idiot.. but anyway back to the point.. I had JUST left my second job hostessing at a really super crazy strict restaurant in my area. And I hated every minute of the actual job, but the people and social factor were incredible.... enjoy.

Do you hear the music?
Imagine a ring master, some elephants and feathered ladies, clowns and more.
It's circus music.

I just left my second job and as I was leaving I learned something very interesting.
I am a character.

DOUBLE YOU TEA EFF. Um, I totally knew this. Or did I? I've been told this many a time in my life. My personality is larger than life. I am five foot nothing and I want nothing more than to entertain the world. The way I see it is if you're not smiling you better be making me smile. I mean shit. There is too much crap goin on that if I can't make the best of it. We are all fucking doomed.
Just sayin.

So anyway. Between here, my Twitter account and real life interactions. I apparently entertain the shit out of people.

So as I was leaving, I am being reminded of hilarious moments of my short lived time at JobTwo.
Here's a highlight reel.

I went on a date with a co worker. (It's all girls at the host stand, we giggled, we imagined, we gossiped)
I refused multiple other dates with many other co workers.
I openly professed my love for a taken man.
I did the robot from the host stand to a table, with a line of gentlemen following in the act.
I spoke in an English accent to confuse people.
I spoke in an English accent to irritate the shit out of people.
I danced, on my female managers, and commonly in front of kitchen staff, with whom no words were spoken.
I told stories, loudly, often cussing in front of my superiors.
I let my co worker feel my boobs in the middle of the restaurant cuz he said he wanted to.
I did my job incredibly well and made other people feel bad about it.
I wore clothes into the building, knowing I would leave wearing them, and my favorite boys were the only ones who would see me leaving.

OH man, almost makes me long for the good ol days.
Wait?!?! What. No. I seriously just left. I have had ONE week of this whole, ONE job thing. I should probably savor it.

I give it about two effing weeks before I'm bouncing off the walls, for the love of Pete, someone punch me in my head if I try to get another job before January.

I'm counting on you folks!

Climbing the Ladder

So um, this whole growing up thing?

When does it start? Pretty sure I'm right in the middle of this whole thing and its a lit-tle weird.
I got a big girl job.

I left my crazy 18 hour days for a promotion in the most positive direction I could possibly imagine.

I get to love my class and each class in my building while managing the staff and all the paper worky type stuff that makes my OCD brain happy.
This makes me insanely happy.

Which brings me to a side note... I am such a happy camper. I am seriously easy to please. Why the HELL is that a problem for men to wrap their little tiny brains around? I do some girlie things, like complain. And shop, and obsess over my weight. But I honestly could find something to smile about for the rest of my life, each and every single day.And it is my goal to do just that.I also love to bring that simplistic joy to those around me as well. So is it the fact that I can already do that that scares people? I have no freaking clue. Side note over.and breathe.

But anyway, this promotion kind of came abruptly. Even so that my resume is not where it should be and the big big boss that hired me is keeping an eye on me so my credentials get taken care of so I can stay in my position. Which is awesome. I love having a fire under my ass. But wow. I got promoted.

Someone jump up and down for me. This is super exciting. I, for the first time ever allowed myself to be open and pushed myself in the right direction to get to where I want to be. (wohoo, go meeeee,yep, singing and dancing to myself, NBD)
I even made it clear to my boss and our bigger boss that I want to do it all. I want to run the world. And there is open knowledge of this plan.

Another thing I never did before. I am sharing my plans and I am goal setting. Mark my words, I will be back in Baltimore within 2 years running my own center.

I long so much to be with my youngest brother as he goes through high school and after that I lose him. It's crazy to think of 5 years from now. I mean he will be going to college. But he literally just had his first day of 8th grade today. I might need to slow my role here. But the idea behind it all is goal setting. Not fretting about the future. I have a place I want to be in my life.

But I need to put on the brakes for a little. I just got my new role and I want to be the best at it first before I can even think about taking on everything else.
And I worked my ass off with two jobs to get here. I was a zombie for quite some time. I didn't really have a social life.I swore off men.
(I did go on one, fantastic rained out picnic turned ice skating date) ( I did go knocking on the door of the past) ( I did flirt my ass off, knowing I wasn't going to give any relationship a second glance) ( I did long for having it all) (I don't regret a moment)

.. so here I am. Happy and Successful and though I felt a little odd in this place, for just a moment, I've started to settle in. To my new role.

Because if I haven't been discovered yet, I guess I will just keep playing myself in this movie called Life.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Surrender Dorothy

another interesting post I never chose to post.. I am not sure why. Maybe because I was scared to put it out there. That I desperately want all the great things that come to shitty ass people. The love of a lifetime. And yet I felt like if I said it out loud, or really wanted it that I could never have it. I had to let it go.. and I did. And here I am, in the midst of another relationship. This one however.. I have no pattern for, we are not the same couple that I was in previous relationships.
And I am so okay with that. But it's always crazy for me to go back and read these things and see just how I felt at a certain time. I can remember feeling like this. Giving up. And I did. I let it effing go. I may have pushed it off a cliff even.

So here is the raw truth of why and how and when I let it go...

The Wicked Witch of the West was kind of a bitch. Writing evil messages in the sky and all.

But when Oprah says it, I listen. And she has said the same thing the Wicked Witch once said. "Surrender"
Now I'm not much of a crier but all this leavin Oprah's been doin has been a little much for me.
That woman is full of unbelievable wisdom. I heard her say, that when you've done all you can do, pray, ask for , beg , try out, hope, wish, settle for, solicit, and all else you can think of. Surrender. Let go of what you you have been dying to come your way and release it to the world. Give it up to God is what she said. And I can't help but be in that mind set.
I've recently felt like I am a piece of crap for sticking to this mantra.
In the process, I have shut off all options that may or may not be knocking at my door. I can't apologize for this.

I have let it go, I honestly truly felt like I had done everything the correct way as far as love goes. I've worked hard, I've been bold and brazen, I've been calm and collected, I've been trepidatious I've been balls to the walls, I've been super supportive, I've done my own thing, I've held my tongue, I've said all that needs to be said, and everything in between.

And yet, my heart feels like it was ripped out by a one two punch. I would have to say I fall for pretty much anyone I am with. I don't date people I don't see a future with. So once I start dating someone I tend to easily envision life in rapid motion.

But I don't want any part of who I was with the last two. I was happy. But I was a girl who wasn't really seeing clearly I suppose. Love will do that to ya.
I went from one boy to the next and I thought one of them had the answers for me. For the life I had envisioned.

Insert husband here.

But hell, I wasn't trying to get married. I mean maybe eventually but hot damn, I couldn't have scared them away by talking about weddings and stuff cuz I wasn't talking about that crap.

So anyway, back to my point.
I feel like the bad guy now. I feel like I've done to others what may have been done to me. How do I stop this cycle of people who want attention but not a relationship. Who think they are clear but clearly not.
Who say one thing, and do that thing, but wink while they're doin it.

I don't want to apologize, cuz I don't feel what I am doing is wrong.
I wanted so badly the happy family, outwardly or just inward that it shaped my thoughts and actions. I didn't get it. I got thrown a curve ball and I feel like I am dealing with it appopriately.I have to let go
Oprah said so people!

So away it goes, my lust for love.
and I'm cool with it.

So, in conclusion, my bad if I seem like a selfish bitch who wants nothing to do with anything to do with a relationship. I'll see if the ends justify the means, and until Oprah directs me to do otherwise I'm riding myself of all want for the things that aren't mine.

...stay tuned.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ello Brovah

He is my bestest friend.
He is my twenty something younger brother.
This morning he calls me, I don't answer. I was at work at 6am, i forget to call him on my break. He calls again after I've made my way into JobTwo. I see his missed calls after one last night as well I finally call him back on my way home.

He has nothing to say to me. I ask him why he called, and he honestly called at one point just to vent and/or talk on his drive home.
He then called back because he thought today was my day off and he was concerned I was sleeping the whole time and not well.

Because we don't ignore each others phone calls. Almost certainly if one of us calls the other then the line is picked up whether it is just to say,"Can I call you back later?" or something stupid like our inside joke "Poop" "On You".. don't ask about that one.

As we both age I seem to notice that we both honestly do treat each other like best friends more so than brother and sister. It is probably the coolest thing to me to know that I have someone in this world who will support me, no matter what.
I have other family that claims that, and I believe some would also. But this boy would be there in a heart beat, he would love hurt or kill anything I told him to and he keeps me laughing all the time.

I couldn't imagine a better friend than him.
But is that weird? To be BFF with your lil bro?

I dunno, but I know that he doesn't know all the shit that has been going on lately with me. Or he does, if he reads my blogs. But we tweet, and DM eachother I don't think he is on the Blogger grind. Anyway, he may not know the reason I work like a crazy woman am in school and avoiding most human contact.
But he doesn't need it to be explained to him.
He will love me no matter what.

I unfortunately don't feel that from anywhere else in my life. Sadly, best friends to me, sometimes hurt me more than anyone else can.
My brother is a prime example of that.
We used to use trigger words to set each other off back in middle school days.
If I called him "fatso" or he called me "midget" thems was fightin words.
And we would go at it. Until Mom or someone else broke it up.

We don't still have any of that venom. Or maybe we do but we are each others support systems right now that it's not brought out. Maybe as we age and grow apart it will dig itself in.

But why is that? Why when you've got time apart does one person feel righteou and the other feel shitty? It's just scary to look at families who go through a tragedy in the family and they get torn apart.

I hope that never happens to my brothers and I. I hope it doesn't continue to happen to my other best friends with whom I currently feel alienated from.
But by my own accord I've needed the space, or lacked the time. Hoping I am understood in my reasons. Hoping it's not too late.

Because with my baby bro, late doesn't exist, if you show up, you're golden.

..stay tuned.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Funny how it works like that...

Every now and then I reflect on the people in my life and what they've taught me or what I may have taught them.
I ineviably return to the list of boys that has so briefly entered my life yet profoundly affected the way that I think and behave in relationships going forward.

But at some point, can I stop being the girl who gives
Overwhelming love
Tough exterior
Super soft interior
and every ounce of myself

when all I seem to receive in return is
Serious Deep Thoughts
and a whole bunch of friends who are convinced I will forever be the single girl.

I'm so over the trend of men.
I have NO idea how to break this trend as they have been so vastly different from each other with the same damn result.

But I get myself all worked up, no matter who is around.
Or may possibly be around
Or may have texted me he will be around.
Ugh, I know that despite the fact that I plan to start my family in the next 4 years I have no hopes of breaking this cycle before then.

It's just funny to me. BabyMamaDrama has my bed, and I doubt I will ever see the cash he promised to pay for it since it's a ridiculously good bed.
But I just, I give.
And I want.
But I never get.
I give nothing, I ask for nothing from boys and I hope to get nothing. Cuz I'm happy not playing the game.
But wait, how does someone have seriously crazy number of texts to send one day... and within a few short weeks, there is not one text or call and it's to the place that if a call were accidentally dialed (I did it today on my stupid touch phone!)
that I would have nothing to say and be embarassed!?!?!

Oh lord I have no idea.
But some people do.
All the 9 million more people celebrating weddings and babies this year.
Accompanied with the 3083 trillion that will be celebrating 1 year this year as well..

Not gonna lie, my celebrity hero, Bethenny Frankel (Hoppy)
She chose one thing, finally after battling herself about whether one person could ask for go after and get all the things she wanted. So she chose.
And when she took that step everything else made its way into her life all on it's own.
So I am choosing. Right now. And maybe one day the other things will come.

..stay tuned.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Catch Me If You Can

You've just won a trip to la-la land. Four day three night excursion through blah blah town.. ever get those exciting phone calls that say you've won?
And you just need to chat with a couple people and fill out a couple more things and you can get your prize...Yeah well
I fell for it. Signed myself up for a tour of a resort that sells timeshares and at the end I would receive a free stay at that resort, another resort in Florida, a 100 dollar Visa card and 50 bucks to Chili's.

Um.. yes please. I just have to endure a tour? Of a place about 2 hours away.
Yeah, I'm game.

Soo it went a little something like this...
Oh hey friend who was supposed to join me for 2 hours of the driving, and be my plus one on the tour, you're sleepy? Gonna sleep right through my texts? Oh that's cool, I will drive my POS broke down hooptie all by myself out of town.

If I die JulieBooty, it's your fault. (I didn't die, don't worry, we're still friends)
Sooo, I arrive, about n 8 minutes past my scheduled tour. Whatevs, they proceeded to match me up with my tour guide who within 8 seconds of meeting me was telling me how naturally buff he is and does not have to work out his legs but did anyway two days ago and can't feel his calves.

Oh yeah, good start. Homeboy thinks I'm here for the tour, like for real. Like I care about ANYTHING going on inside this place.
He then shows me to this massive conference style room with hundreds of small tables where all the sales people are sitting with their suckers.. (me included)

I later find out this place is called "The Pit" which is very fitting.
I somehow end up having a conversation with this kid, I admit he is good at talking and well, I've never been at a loss for words. So like 20 minutes go by and I think we are waiting for something but we are indeed JUST talking.

Um, no dude, want the tour, the short version and I want to be on my merry way.
So I turn the switch to Super Sarcasm Mode and lay it on thick. And basically tell him we are going on the tour now.

He starts of showing me things I really thought did not need to be shown, Concierge Desk a random restaurant... seriously dude?
Oh dear God I'm going to die here I thought.

Then he says he is getting his vehichle to start the tour...
I'm thinking, GOLF CART

he drives up in his own Grand Cherokee...

whoa whoa whoa I am seriously going to die today, this man who has told me he was 31, I didn't believe him and he finally admits he is 24 and I catch him in his first lie.
Is the second lie that he actually works at this place and is a safe trusted human?
Holy Crap I serisouly thought about running away then.

Buuutttt I proceed.
I tell him he has "7 seconds to wow me" and no more.I clearly stated that I would stop listening after that. I gace him twenty whole minutes.
Then I stopped listening.
At one point he asks me "How old do you think those cottages are right there?"
Me, clearly looking at aged homes "uhh, I dunno"
Him"Oh come on, guess"
Me" no"
Him " yes, just guess"
Me "two years"
Him "wow, good guess.. 38 years actually"

...I think he got the point then and seriously stops spieling about ANY thing to do with the resort.
But then it gets weird.
He honestly starts talking about sex.
Or relationships.
Or both.

Remember I stopped listening.. so I barely peer to my left every now and then to acknowledge I'm alive and throw in a sarcastic comment.
But the comments start coming more frequently and he is desperately trying to get me to open up. I oblige with simple anecdotes about work or such else things that bore most people.

we hop out of the vehicle at one point as he is trying to tell me about "Cul De Sac Closes" which are legendary amongst the sales staff.
Some chick also asked to see his weiner earlier in the day.

What the HELL did I sign up for? Oh my God I almost wish I cared about this place and or the product he was selling so I could complain about how extremely unprofessional he was.

But, sarcastic tired BrookieBrooke did NOT care.
Right before the end I find out he isn't 24. He is 20. Whatever dude, I'm over this kids lies!
SO we go back into the pit, I've complained thoroughly that I wanted to be taken back and it was time for me to leave the GeeDee compound.
we get back, I chat with his boss.. whooooo
does not blink or stray from his gaze... which was my left eyeball.
So creepy. But I clearly state that two jobs and being in school renders it nearly impossible to have time to vacation at such a lovelyyyy resort.

AhemcoughBULLSHITcoughcough.. but it got me out of there and into the line to retrieve my gifts.
But not before Chase tries one last time to get my number.
I decline, again. Shake his hand and go on my way.

And I am flabergasted as I drive away. Did I just waste 4-6 hours of my ONLY day off in a month on this ridiculous experience?
Did I just enhance the value of these gifts by what I went through to get them?

You be the judge.
I'll be at Chili's throwing back Margaritas!

..stay tuned.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Scared Straight

SO the past few months have been turbulent with moving into a new place,getting shoved aside from a guy I cared about, starting a second job, going back to school and having to kinda hide something from the world all at the same time. One of those alone would seem enough to rattle someones cage of normalcy.

While I don't really plan on sharing this with a ton of people. I do know that my best catharsis is always to write. So whilst dealing with all said business above I have also been going to see a bunch of Doctors to get things figured out.

I didn't even let my pops in on some of it until I knew for sure what the deal was.
And here are the basics...
I am still in the search of exactly what is ailing me in my intestinal area..allergies and what not but there was some other stuff going on that I was unaware of.

Kind of.

It's weird to say but I have always felt that something in my life would bring me to the conclusion I came to very recently.
I plan to adopt children.

Since I can remember I have cared deeply about the well being of children. So much so that I can honestly recall being maybe 7 years old thinking about my whole big giant brood of kids that I adopted.
What 7 year old thinks about that?

I just never got why there were so many people having babies they couldn't take care of and there were so many parents being selfish and wanting their "own" child.
I felt like someone had to come Angelina Jolie all the kids who needed a home.
Before Angelina even started!

I don't really have a desire to travel outside of this country to find my family because I see so many here in the United States. But I envy her path so much.To be affected by a child enough to instantly make them part of your family is a desire of mine.

Since I was such an advocate at such a young age I believe my wish came true.

My ability to have my own children is a small diminished window with a lot of effort behind it potentially.Granted, there is a possibility it could happen for me, with ease.But it's such a guessing game based on having lots of little cysts on my ovaries that prevent the egg from ever being released into the uterine lining to be fertilized.

So while I will be clear that by no means am I saying that I absolutely cannot birth a child of my own. But it's not something that is going to happen without aid when or if I decide to go down that road.

And there is where it gets interesting for me. I have wanted my family for a very long time. So much so that I believe honestly that I was put on this earth to be a mother.

It's probably why I am teaching right now.

It's also why despite my efforts the news of this syndrome kinda rocked my world. It seemed as if I had had plenty on my plate already to add this news to it just shook my core.

I am happy as a lark at the current moment. I have made my peace with all of the possibly scenarios for my family at this point.

But one scenario stands out to me, that seems to maybe shock some other people.
At twenty six years old I am working on doing research behind the process of adoption. I have every plan in the world to start my family with or without husband and "happily ever after" stamped on my story book.

So while this was definitely devastating news, I don't plan on letting it stop me from achieving my goal of being a wonderful mother to as many kids as possible.

If I were on another path, and I saw any glimpse of a man with whom I would trust enough to go down the road of conceiving children then yeah, I might not worry as much about time. Cuz if I was married and could just start trying now in hopes that it would eventually happen over the next couple of years then that's what we would do. And if that didn't work after a period of time I would be able to start exhausting all my fertility options. And that would be all well and good.

But I have sworn off men people! Remember that post? Yeah, I am sticking to it.
I am by no means trying to raise a child in a home without a father. I just know that what feels right to me is that my family starts when I am good and ready and saving up and doing research on the whole adoption process seems like a good way to get good and ready.

I mean who can really blame me for trying to prepare? It seems like people want to immediately tell me of the one friend they have that has the same thing and has a child.

Good. Great. Grand.

They have no bearing on my stage in life when I found out I had this.So why the hell do I care that they were lucky enough to have a child? Who knows what measures these people went through before this child came along also. Or maybe not. Maybe they were blessed immediately with said child.
Lucky them.

I'm not them.

So, in conclusion my life seems like it's on the up and up. And part of the reason I am working my ass off is because soon, I want to be able to bless myself with the love of my own child and I want to be financially stable and in a good place then.
And until then, I am working out the kinks.It's not always easy to look around at your married friends who are well on their way building their families...

I mean I am so stinkin happy for all of the budding and growing families around me.
I just know that my path will be different.
And I can't wait.

..stay tuned.

Surprise you live with a boy now!

It's not as bad as it seems but its kind of shocking to go from freely being able to walk around your house in your bra and underwear to having to sort of hide whenever I think about taking a shower.

I am the queen of procrastination so I put off things until the VERY very last minute.. for example.. getting ready for work.

So it is not uncommon for me to go racing up the stairs stripping off clothes grab a towel and hop in the shower only to go tearing back down the stairs after I am all clean looking for my work clothes which are constantly in the dryer.

Apparently my routine has to change now.

Although I saw one of the boys get up in the middle of the night chillin in his boxers. That totally means I can walk down the hall in my underwear too right?
Well.. one of them is married and the other one is way down in the basement so I guess I really don't have to worry about it but it's just funny to change your habits.
Not that I would go back to living with girls, by any means. I would much rather call my girls to meet me out for Happy Hour than have them be the ones I come home to and sit in PJ's and watch ESPN with.

That is a huge plus living with men. I now have a man cave I can go into and watch all the suround sound movies I want. I always know when "the game" is on. And if I am thinking about cooking a piece of meat.. It Shall Be Grilled!

Also, I can drink my face off, pass out on the couch and no one will bother me. For some strange reason girls feel the need to wake you and tell you "You should go to bed" Um. Thank you. I clearly laid on the couch when I was sleepy knowing it was a possibility I was going to drift off while still plopped there.
Kinda the reason I sat there in the first place.Silly girls.

I like where I live now, boys and all.
But they totally smell. Always have, and always will I guess.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Set Fire to the Rain

When did I move to Seattle?
This rain just isn't going to do. I actually really like rain if the temperature is above like 12. Which it currently feels like.

But none the less I am trying to recharge this evening and go out and have a life because after a nearly 60 hour work week,school work due every day this week and an 18 hour day yesterday and the kids out on Spring Break all week I would not be blamed for hiding in a cave and asking someone to put lotion on their skin "or it gets the hose!"

Just sayin.

But seriously this could quite possibly be the coolest phase of my life. The absolute most challenging phase but I see the rewards in ten fold.
I have spoken of my desire to keep away from men for the time being. And I am whole heartedly sticking to that. I know I will have my struggles because when that guy comes after me that is damn sexy and got his shit together. I will want to do what I normally do and become a cheerleader for the people around me and play second fiddle.

UM NO. Not today, not ever again!

At least that is the hook I am hanging my coat on right now.

Besides that the challenge for me is to enjoy the hard work I am putting in. I am trying to surround myself with motivational quotes and positive thoughts to steer my ship in the right direction each day. I have seriously loaded up my plate right now and it would be easy for me to say. Fuck it, I'm gonna go back to working one job and having a life and just try to manage. Or I'm going to work hard in these two jobs but become bitter and resentful and complain a lot.

Also, NOT gonna happen.
I literally recited "you signed up for this, you signed up for this" over and over again today in the car.
I was exhausted last night. 18 hours with one hour break and no dinner. But it's all manageable. I spoke with one of the managers at JobTwo and kinda broke it down for him. Told him how driven I was and that this was kinda a first for me. He dared me to take more on and work for them full time after my classes end. I told him to suck it.

No, I didn't do that. But I did tell him I was getting better at saying 'no' and this was one of those times. If in a couple of months they like where I've been and want to show me a rea$on why they feel I should commit more time and effort to them then so be it. But for now, they play second fiddle. They will get no less of my love, just as much hard work and all of my smiles and mustered positive energy as I possibly can when I show up there.

For now, my priorities lie where I took the first steps a year ago. At my teaching job, which is the reason I am in school again these days. Most people never thought they would see the day. My dad is soooo excited to have me taking classes again. I'm not even sure I've explained to him fully what it's for but from a set of parents who did not finish college, they are thrilled to see the second of three get some sort of degree. Even if I can only use it to advance my career in a Child Care setting.

Speaking of devils risen from hell to curse me and rip my heart out and eat it.
Oh.. we weren't on that subject?

Well.... now we are.
My kids are on Spring Break right now. Holy dear God I have never wanted to PUNT so many children before. I don't want to hurt them, and the likelihood of me hurting anyone by punting them in my 5 foot frame is very much the opposite. But I couldn't get away from them fast enough today. I cannot wait for them to go back to school next week.

If there is any examples of why kids need structure and actually thrive on it, this week, would be the perfect example. They just go nuts when they aren't receiving the desired attention and boundaries set. I promise you, children respond well to parents and teachers asking them to stick to certain rules. But when Spring Break arrives and they have no school, and parents wondering WTF to do with their children all week they send them to me.Barely fed,barely rested and by no means clean.
Hahahaha I wish I was kidding.

Today I found a rock in my pocket, and a nail. One was put there by a child and one was taken away from a child. You guess which is which.
I love my job and even though this week I was closer to a meltdown than Japan's Nuclear reactors I don't think I see any light in walking away from this place. Scary because I'm certainly not setting myself up to be a rich girl walkin'. But never the less I can't argue with the satisfaction of a gorgeously designed and put together "Helper Board" in my classroom. It's those kinds of little things I cannot seem to find the pleasure in in any other setting.

So when I get through with classes at the end of the summer I will be able to move up in this little world of mine and I hope to do so very soon. Goals, it's all about setting goals.
Now if I could only find that notebook I wrote all my goals down in, I could get started. Haha kidding. I write them down in Dry Erase marker on my full length mirror, and set reminders on my phone, with alarms, and find really important paperwork to scrawl them on the back of. (ever hear of organized chaos?, yeah, this isn't it.)

So as I wish I could set fire to this rain so it would freaking warm up in this joint I will just listen to my new obsession, Adele instead.
loves it.

Have a great and wonderful Easter to all of you. I will be working. (Shocker!)
...stay tuned.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Joining a covant.. or whatever it's called

I just decided.
Today. Actually like 23 seconds ago.. that I am giving up my earthly possessions and going to find a local "nun place" (hahaha I have NO idea what they are called, and I'm clearly too lazy to look it up)
and ask them to take me in.

Immediately and forever. I can. not. stand. men.
Whatever it is that I have, that makes them turn insane and drive me insane. I want it to stop.

On second thought, I may just need an exorcism.
"I have exerciiiiiiised the demons, this house is clear" (I <3 AceVentura!)
There is definitely some evil goin on.

I toiled with the idea of simply going lesbian... but I'm pretty sure I would bash my own head in trying to deal with another woman. Besides part of my issue with the men I date anyway is that I strongly desire them to take charge and be all manly and stuff. (Seems easy enough right?)
But a butch woman I doubt will come anywhere near as manly as I need my men.

So does anyone know anyone who knows anyone who does exorcisms?
Or maybe is a nun?
Or could give me a drug that could sedate the next man until it's years into the relationship he feels trapped but is too scared to walk away because when he came to there was a gorg (yes, me) woman who was bossing him around and he was happily swiffering the floor, so he figures he will just stick around, for like, ever.

Or maybe, is a lesbian and can really vouch for being in relationship with a woman.

No, that last one probably won't work.
I'm definitely going to hope for one of the top 3.

Which means, my fate is in your hands. My life could take drastic turns from here people... be careful with it!

...stay tuned

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Happy One Hundred

Can't believe I have 100 posts on here!
I can't believe some of you are still here reading this!

I am currently drinking a Blue AMP and trying to get Baby shower stuffs done, JobTwo training ish and simultaneously trying not to hate every man ever.

It's a perky slash Agro Crag kind of day.
(Remember the Agrocrag?.. Yeah not really me either. I just know it was on some kids game show... and when I lived in LA we used the word Agro instead of angry.. so somehow Agrocrag was born to show a heightened level of anger)
(God, I'm weird)

Fighting with my normal sense of irrationality. I want to get this baby shower stuff go get the decorations and plan the menu.
But I am such a ridiculous human.. if I do things early or on time I tend to OVER do them. Like wayyyy more decorations than I need. Or end up getting things that I will not actually use.
if I wait.. I will inevitably forget something and stress hardcore about not having enough time to get all the things I need.

It is seriously scary inside my brain sometimes. I think I've said that like 25346346 times recently. I wouldn't know cuz I don't tend to read what I write. I put it out there and hope that no one catches any huge gaffes in my spelling or grammar but as far as content.. I kinda have a "Go F%#$ Yourself" attitude.

Hahah maybe that's why I can't keep a relationship going. I really believe I am awesome just the way I am. And "crazy" isn't part of that. You know how guys like to deem girls "crazy". Yeah I don't fall into that category.. but I always say I'm crazy in a different way. Like actually, weird not making sense, have huge hang ups, like things my way, I am messy and organized at the same time. I am loud and uber silent. I make zero fucking sense. But I totally get me.

Men.. not so much.

It's not like I have time for anyone else in my life anyway.
I've seriously got some things lined up that make me seem like a crazy go getter type. Hhahaha and back to the crazy thing.. cuz I am currently sitting in a seriously messy bedroom and pretending it's going to clean itself.

I swear in my head.. I have these relevant topics I'm going to discuss on my blog. And clear thought out messages that will make sense. But by the time I get to my computer I'm either fuming, exhausted or rushed. Seriously, it's only those three things that bring me to hide in my bedroom and put the keyboard on my lap.And start tap tapping away.

But I got a new APP on my phone that should help organize me.
BWHAHAHAHAHA.. I also write one a FULL sheet of paper EVERY single day, my to do list.
I write in dry erase marker on my full length mirror.
The things I don't feel like doing.. carry over onto SO many of those lists it's ridiculous. Someone might go to sit in the passenger side of my car. Look at my folded sheets of paper and see check marks and think "wow, she is really getting things done". But upon closer inspection.. seeing the same line
"CDA Follow up info"
"2009 taxes"
"Pay Credit Card Bill"
on every effing single one of those papers might make me look like a lazy bastard.
I like to think I'm somewhere in the middle.
The taxes are almost done.. just need to send in the State.. and since I owe them money I am putting that one off until the next pay check.
But if I took it off the list.. I would assume it was done and forget. So everyday for the next two weeks I will be staring at that one. Along with the Credit Card bill... it's not due for almost 3 weeks.. but I HAVE to make it visible or it fades from my consciousness.

Also, Laundry probably makes the list every other day. Cuz I hate it. So freaking much. I put it on there knowing full well I don't need it on there.. the GIGANTIC pile of clean clothes that remains IN laundry basket ON my bed needs to be put away.
Like last week.
Also the GROWING pile of whites and darks needs to be put INTO the wash. Sometimes I write it down just to piss myself off.. Like uhm Brooke.. You don't seriously need to check this one off. it shoulda been done already. Why are you sleeping on a small sliver of the bed just to avoid the laundry basket and hangers placed there and ready to get put away. Hahaha

CRAZY. I tell you. Not, freak out "where are you, why aren't you answering your phone?" kinda crazy. But crazy none the less.

Gosh I love me.

..stay tuned.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Don't even bother reading this.

Dear Youknowhowyouare,

You're a jerk. I should have seen this coming. I didn't,however cuz I'm a girl and a hopeless romantic. Thanks for nothing.

Love always cuz I'm an idiot and I care about people who don't give a shit about me,
Yours truly.

Happy Saturday everyone else it's gorgeous and I am going to taste food at the vineyard where my sisters wedding is being held in November. It's a sunny day and I just bought cute new clothes. Who needs a boyfriend when you have a boyfriend sweater. Seriously it's super cute and it doesn't ignore me when I wanna traipse it all over town.
It's pretty cool.

...and rant... over.

..stay tuned

Thursday, March 24, 2011

"Auntie Em! Auntie Em!"

So I wish I could show you just how I've got my computer set up for the sole sake of being connected again. I don't have a desk and things are just plugged in and shoved in the corner of my new room.
Yes, new room. Cuz lucky me I finally found a place to live. I was couch surfing for a while. I now have 3 and a half roommates and I am so excited to be in a place where I can hang things on the walls and be up until all hours of the night just doing whatever I want to be doing.

So the tornado is starting to slow down and the rainbow is shining.
Here is a list of shit that's happened recently that I cannot fathom trying to put into separate posts even though they've rocked my world enough to get multiple posts each.

My second job.. closed down. The doors were literally locked on Friday and I am out of my happy home there. I'm so sad. This place was amazing to me. I swore I would never be a waitress and when I finally caved and got this job I worked my way up and kicked ass and became friends with some truly good people. But everything happens for a reason right?? Seems like a pretty fucked up reason but I guess time will only tell. (Why do cliches always find their way in, in crappy situations?)

Broke up with BabyDaddy.. that's the nickname I will give him. Though he would not be my baby daddy.. my lack of babies would prove that. He and I will continue to navigate this weird space of admitting that both of us openly said and wanted to marry each other but somehow 5 months in we found it just wasn't gonna work. Now. I don't even think I will be revisited by these men with whom things don't work. But for some reason many people think that is how things will go down. Again, probably just euphamisms people are so used to saying despite reasoning. My mom is sad about this one. I know I know I know she really liked him. I feel bad for that. Littlest dude and my step dad liked him too. It was the baseball connection and the being older and having a child made him seem mature and ready for someone like me. So far from the truth. I don't think ANYONE is ready for this!

Moved into the new place, got bitched at for the way I left the last place. Which just crushed my soul but I am trying to make things right and just move on. I really just want to be settled and happy in a place for a while. No huge move and earth shaking things for a while. Seems crazy to ask for... but I am learning that since I never.. ever.. ever ask for anything from anyone that I never got anything either. Nothing was just going to be given to me. So as verbal as I usually am I am JUST NOW learning to use it to my advantage.

..stay tuned.. maybe I can manage to sit down and start clearly writing posts in the near future.. for now please be okay with mild ranting as I seriously hope to chill things out and live for a just a little while "under the radar"

..stay tuned.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I'll sleep when I'm dead..

A phrase I am often fond of saying to other people whilst they are pussing out on some adventure I would like a partner in.

But a phrase I also seriously tend to live by.
I love sleep. Do NOT get me wrong. Lazy Sundays.. yeah, during football season there will probably be no adventures to be had when my Baltimore boys are playing.

However, I have found I'm more inclined to fill up this time with a second job.
As I write this I am avoiding studying for my training sesh at a new job. A new second job, I should be clearer.

I have a Monday thru Friday janks... and I love waking up to play with kids.
But it's also not the most economically smart move to throw my heart and soul into one child care facility. Because my wallet might as well be tossed into a bonfire at that point.

I love it. I do. And I hope that my hard work pays off and I accomplish some really great thing at this place. I plan to move up. (for the first time I also plan on making sure my achievements and efforts are rewarded or compensated, kinda tired of being the right hand man who has nothing to show for it except cool words to add to my resume)

But I am too damn hyper to sit idly by and spend all that hard earned money on some really cool adventures, just to have a story.

I'm the girl who will plan out an adventure to a T. But I gotta work for it first. Earn a day off or two.

So here goes nothing as I race ahead to fill my schedule to have one day off and many days on.. and sleeping... well.. when I am dead.

..stay tuned.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

One too many...

The AA saying goes.. "One drink is too many and a thousand is never enough"
Well color me drunk because the last few weeks I've sought solice in the bottom of a bottle.. Not hardcore but definitely straying from my normal routine of being a one drink wonder..

The craziest loudest dancing machine at a bar that ISN"T drunk was usually how I played it.

But after Cashew and I broke up, it seemed to just happen a lot more.
(I've got so many possible nicknames for him I may interchange them, beware: confusion ahead)

I am at a loss right now. I have this "Say Anything", John Cusack moment running through my head. Does that shit happen in real life? I have always wanted it to happen to me. But what if I was the one holding the boombox over MY head?

I can't help but feel like my intuition was right. From the very beginning I knew this guy was for me. He was mine. Not just one that would be mine at some point. But mine. Like for good.

I have no problem speaking about how I currently feel because I can't see how it could get any worse. I don't have him. I see it is a last ditch effort to maybe prove to myself that these moments. The slow motion montage scenes with people running into each others arms, turning around one last time, picking up the phone, wipe the tears away and do something about it moments really do happen.

They could right?!
Love stories.. a thing of the past?

I firmly believe I was born in the wrong era. I was meant to be a wife of some man who through all the years we spent together... the fights the really bad struggles the ups and the downs we were 90 something years old saying how proud we were that we never gave up.

Where are those stories these days? Nobody seems to be able to stick it out. For me, there is no other option. The one I marry, if I marry, will be the only one.
It can't be any other way. Divorce rocked my childhood and I refuse to let anything that toxic into my life again.

Wow, that took a turn for serious. I just wonder. A lot.
And since receiving a message from his sister.. and a FB chat convo with his mother. I can't help but think, this really is a family I was meant to be a part of.

It didn't help that 24 hours after I broke it off, a boy who has been chasing me for over a year found himself in front of "Single B" for the first time.

He was just like all the others tho. I put a spell on people from far away.
They are charmed and allured. They snap out of it very quickly though.

And I am left on the top of the roller coaster climb, left to free fall alone. Again.
He wasn't anyone I cared deeply about.

Clearly because I have yet to let go of the one who had a convo with me about "when" we would get married. Not "if".
I'm an idiot.
Thus, the booze fueled nights where luckily I haven't texted him. Yet.

I never told this one I loved him. Cuz I didn't. But I don't date anyone for real if I don't see their potential.

And then I am left with a broken "potentially amazing" ex boyfriend.

I am a hopeless romantic and that part of my brain. The one that is telling me to get off my ass and write a letter. (You know the old fashioned type. Pen and paper)
Leave it on his doorstep and let him choose to meet me in a place that was special to us.

As un-girly as I claim to be.. this has got to be the girliest idea I've ever had.
Do I have enough balls to do it? And do I have enough strength to pick myself back up if it doesn't go as I would hope?

These are the questions that are yet to be answered.
But I do know that when I saw him recently, he was kind,sweet, helpful and I cried as I drove away from him.
I don't cry.

But for someone I didn't love. I have cried a lot over him.
oh Lordy, the inner workings of 26 year old brain is quite frightening at times.

...stay tuned.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

" Playoffs?!?! "

(Jim Mora Sr. said my title quote, if you recall from the Coors Light commercials. I found that out last night. He was the then coach of the Colts (which was probably shortly after the team was stolen from my hometown! ))

Whewww.. that last one was a doozy.. sorry folks.

I was totally thrown for a loop and did not expect that much emotion to spew out of me.
Which is apparently my new thing. I like, cry now.

That is a weird sentence. But follow me here.. Previously, short of a limb missing or a death in the family, tears really weren't my thing. I just didn't cry. I grew up in a family of "suck it up". And I always did.

But now for some reason. I cry. Things aren't going right with my boyfriend. I cry.
Movies make me tear up.

You know that damn show Paula Abdul is on now? Live to Dance I think it is. Yeah definitely felt the tight throat and the eyes started to well up.

So the other night when I was trying to find a way to get over the harsh realities of who I am related to and just may have the same tendencies as. I cried.

Only for like a minute tho. On the phone with my best friend. So I gotta go be my normal tough girl self and watch my team get further into the Playoffs.

I am so freaking excited the last 3 years we have been in the Playoffs and I have more purple to wear than ever before.
It's actually starting to get alarming.

I've asked people to not purchase any more purple attire for me for a while. I am fearful of being.. "the purple girl" . In fact I watched an episode of.. some Style Network show where they re do your wardrobe and this lady was a purple lady.

The host was the daughter of a purple lady. It was very traumatizing. I do not want to get confused with those wack jobs who have purple frames, purple shoes and purple moo moos on..

But I also am superstitious about my sports teams and this year my superstition is that I cannot wear the Ravens logo and win. Though I have awesome jerseys and jackets adn scarves and hate and pants and sweatshirts and socks and cups and salt and pepper shakers (yeah that one is weird, but I plan on having my very own WOman cave and decorating it with all Baltimore stuffs) anywho. It's all invalid this year. Not able to wear drink from or use any logoed stuff.

So I carefully plan how I wear this purple and black combo.. In fact I need to do that now. The game is on in 2 hours. Gotta get a seat at my local watering hole.

Happy Playoffs!

...stay tuned.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Genetically Engineer This

People are worried about babies being all blonde haired and blue eyed if we start genetically modifying human chromosomes to people's specifications.

How about this.. let's not care about what people think they want on the surface of their child. How about we start controlling who breeds and/or we genetically modify children to take the "egotistical asshole" gene out. Cuz I'm so freaking tired of having to admit to sharing a gene pool with some. Like you are worried your kid won't be 6'7 and play basketball and make you rich.

How about we create the kid and ask them what they hate about you and then reverse the process and take those genes out. To the future person's specifications.

I mean damn... if we are gonna start down that road I'm just asking that maybe we take a look at that as a possibility... (No? Well, I tried to make the human race better. You can't say I didn't try.)

When you grow up you start seeing people for who they are. Not just your family with labels like Dad, Mum, Sister or Uncle.. they are just regular freaking people. That you have to deal with a lot more often. And with awful terrible qualities and hysterical quirks and most of them have so many redeeming qualities that it makes it all worth it in the end.
But you still always call your family "crazy" to any outsider or new relationship you are inviting to a family gathering for the first time.

It's just a buffer to show that you are aware these people aren't normal but you had no control of how your family trees branches extend.
So no one can blame you. Right?

Well blame me if you want... I will gladly admit that having me in their lives has affected the outcome of who these people are. So maybe it's my fault for being the kid I was. Which in turn created the monsters I'm dealing with now. (Unrealistic,yes but I'm willing to go there to prove that I don't give a F@*% anymore)

My younger brother is dependent on many people and I was (and probably always will be) there for him when he doesn't or hasn't done much for himself, and struggles. You know why? Cuz he is my best friend. He loves me. He is there for me. He pisses me off every effing Christmas and many other times when he acts like he is the only one who matters. But he is freaking hysterical. Like seriously you will never hang out with him, ever, without smiling hard or cracking up. Not even a funeral.
It's a talent. A redeeming quality, if you will... he's got a couple damn good ones I'd say.

But there are some people who I would like to un-relate myself to. It's seriously appalling. And my pride is a huge reason why I put up with it time and time again.
For example, I am too proud to say that I don't have a relationship with a big part of my family, by choice. I've always craved things to be "by the book" and I like symmetry and things nice and even and balanced. So to cut someone out, seems to go against those ideas of how I think I like my life.

So many people have lost loved ones and would give anything to have time with them now. And to say to someone that I've chosen to cut myself off from a person to whom I'm related... seems disgusting. Like I'm spitting in the face of what a family is all about.

Especially when the reason wouldn't be some awful tragic story of them beating me or inappropriate touching or something for real serious like that. Cuz those people who sever ties with an abusive (in any form of the word) relative get a free pass from me.

No judging here. I would never fault someone for walking away from that. I do know that people say blood is thicker than water. And "that's your _______, doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Like that really matters?

These are people. And people are freaking terrible and disappointing and human and mean and sad and ruthless and egotistical assholes. And I feel like I can't stand it anymore.

Am I to the point where I am able to take a stand and let my broken heart heal again but this time without the fear and ultimate knowing of the future hurt that will inevitably happen again.? I don't know that yet.

I swore to myself I would start doing things for me this year.. and the first week in it's like someone is testing me. Like God is saying "oh, so you want to do things that are going to benefit you?" "For real, you want to work on becoming better and happier and healthier?" "Here is the BIGGEST test of your almost 26 years on this planet.. ready.. set.. go."

And BOOM! Egotistical assholes go into full effect and I cannot believe I have to be in the same room as these people and act like they don't make me sick.

In this year alone the amount of times I have shed tears matches the amount of times I've cried in the last 10 years.
I'm repulsed that people can bring me to this point and I continue to allow it to happen.

I'm going to take away their power. By simply choosing my words very (oh so very ) carefully and expressing my last attempt at civility. And when the time is right. The white flag will be thrown and I will bow out gracefully.

I will absolutely not live the rest of my life battling a relationship that is forced upon me because of our status of being relatives.

.. I just got excited. It SOOOO is not going to happen like, tomorrow. But I know that I am doing the best thing for me. And maybe for a multitude of my other gene pool swimmers who are dying to say or do the same thing.

Change.. it ain't just for Obama.

I would be doing a disservice to my family, every one of them if I didn't acknowledge that each one of them has brought me to this wonderful place of happiness at some point. That they've gone out of their way to accommodate myself or others around me so kindly. They are charming, sweet, strong, unbelievably intelligent and all around amazing people.I am blessed, so truly blessed to have the family that I have.
It is this reason that I've chosen to write about it and possibly shake things up with some action following my words. My family is so important to me, this Thanksgiving I was speechless for days at trying to explain to fellow family members just how grateful I am for my immediate family and each one of my 30+ first cousins, and 20 something aunts and uncles and much more. They are the reason I want to start procreating today until my house sounds like an entire school. They are my heart and they are the reason I love my life so profoundly.

But no one gets a pass to suck the life out of me.Sorry, you picked the wrong year to be a punk ass bitch.(again)

...stay tuned.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Twenty something...

The year of the ME.. well I don't know what it is the year of.. nor do I care.
This year is all about me damnit.

Not that every year doesn't have it's ME moments but I cannot will not try to repeat the chaos-ity of last years festivities. Now don't get me wrong.. I'm all about being the support system for people.

In fact, it kinda makes me who I am.I would SO much rather be someone else's rock than to actually go chase my own dreams..

((((( halt the screeching tires))))

Strike that, reverse it. Well at least this year I am going to give a big middle finger to the world and say SUCK IT to all the peoples and their happy weddings and cute little fat cheeked babies being born.

But I'm gonna do it with class.. cuz the lil sis just asked me to be her Maid of Honor for her October wedding.. so trust me I ain't turning down that honor.

I heart this girl and cannot wait to see these two married.. I love them both so much and again.. would dream of nothing more than to be there to support them in this endeavor.

So my mini meltdown just days before 2011 is in the past.

But God was I ready to let that year go by the wayside. I've never felt less like a human than when I was just over scheduled to show up and/or organize an event for people for whom I love, multiple times a month, for a whole freaking year.
Seriously,sometimes I just wanna be invited to things.. not be an integral part of them. There is a little extra joy in seeing an invite in the mail with your name on it that you didn't write yourself. Or that you haven't already been yelled at for not yet responding... aren't I just assumed at this point?
Granted my plus one ditched me around July when the going was getting tough in the scheduled events field so I do understand a little extra clarification for the invitees at that point.

That sounds so Sally Spoiled.. at 25 watching all those people have their shit together and make big boy (girl) moves was a little tough to swallow at times.

I definitely want to be there. But freak at the actual thought of it all.. so just playing Bridesmaid was enough for me. Until I did it 4 times in one year. Then it gets harder.

There is no effing way Katherine Heigl did it 27 times. Bitch lied.

She would have jumped out a 27 story building before she got to that 10th wedding...

But enough about her.. cuz I really could not care for an actress any less than her.

Twenty Eleven is here y'all...
Nothing cooler than trying to explain a whole new year to 4 year olds... which is what I spent my Monday doing.

So here's my idea.. and someone hold me to this around April I will have probably forgotten but I'm writing this shit down to try to hold myself accountable (yeah that's a new thing in 2011!)

I'm trying something new every week of this year.

Sounds lame right.
I know.

But it's cool, for someone as rigid and unable to deal with change as myself this is pretty awesome. Little things like trying a new smoothie flavor at my favorite Smoothie Shop (Tropical Smoothie Cafe gets my vote! Def not Robeks!)

or Drinking coffee.. to lay off the energy drinks until I get the allergy thing figured out. So what if it's flavored coffee with flavored creamer and plenty of sugar.. I'm sure it's better for me than 23436 AMPs. I however have yet to grow a pair and order a real coffee drink at Starbucks.. it scares me.

or Working really hard at thinking before I speak.
Mind you, the bf has a daughter and thusly, a baby momma. So I am trying to tread lightly in that a child who has a step mother, and in contact with my mother as to her thoughts as the baby momma (actually ex-wife.. little different but same gist of a relationship with the kid and step mom)) S I was proud when I played the "well she has a lot on her plate right now" card when Mr. Cool didn't get the little one for his families big Christmas thing. Though I wanted to be more like this.."Listen bitch, you have your new hubby and a new baby let the boy have the love of his life for a few fucking hours since he drives out to the middle of no where since your lazy ass doesn't help a brother out ever.. SHIT!"
But I haven't been formally introduced yet.. so I thought I'd lay low for the next 38 years while they work it out between themselves.

Wow.. tangent.. sorry.

But for realsies this feels amazing.
I spoke about my knowledge of this relationship being the last one I'm ever in..

but not cuz I'm dying.. cuz I don't know that yet.
My hypochondria may have led some to believe this was the case at any given moment but I have insurance now!

So I'm going to schedule like 9000 doctor's appt's this year and get myself all figured out. So I can stop telling people my food allergies are going to be the death of me.

Oh gosh it feels so good to write again.. I'm sure reading this feels nothing like that though.

I apologize.
Cuz I'm lazy and don't want to edit this.

So. Stream of Consciousness thanks for being a cover for people who talk to effing much and have exhausted all the ears of their loved ones.

... Cheers to a wonderful year that will have a Domino effect on all my other years being as magically productive and equally balanced.

...stay tuned.