Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Half-Gay **Updated**

Apparently I've pissed a lot of people off in this post. I apologize.Which is hysterical because no one fucking reads this thing.

My life can be funny it can be entertaining but when it isn't I make sure it sounds that way in my blog. Things may be a bit exaggerated in here.(GASP!, A hyperbole?! Not in a writer's life!?@!) I am not in fact calling anyone gay. And if I was, who cares cuz gay people rule. But I'm not. So relax fancy pants and everyone who has to do with this post. My life is blog fodder. I call 'em like I see 'em. Get over it. I have apologized for feelings hurt. I never have and never will intend to hurt anyone, in this blog or in my daily life. It's not who I am. I am in no way a malicious person and my words are all I have. I like to craft a story and this here... is a story.

And because I have previously said I am not a self loathing blogger who deems her shit worthless and still looks for a hand. AND Regardless of the pure fact that I have only a few readers from time to time , I will indeed keep this post up because I'm pretty sure the people I pissed off want nothing to do with me at this point and have no interest in a little blog like this...So here goes.

I recently bought some sexy purple pumps.They were calling my name, gorgeous and shiny, mind you I am in dire need of a new car. Not new new just new like, it runs. But these shoes could not be ignored.

Now before you start hurling stones at me and preaching about saving or spending wisely,I want to tell you that they only cost 7 dollars. And if you've met a woman who can pass up a good pair of heels and a good deal, well then you will have met a man. No such woman exists.

Problem is, the last man I was trying to date, kind of had that same flare for shoes that I have. (I should have freaking known)

Now I got me a collection of high heels, no Jimmy Choos, no LaBoutins either. But sister can add some flavor to her outfits when need be.

So every time we would go out, I'd arrive all gussied up (Timeout: How can I NOT have a boyfriend yet? All I want to do is get dressed up when we go out, watch sports when we don't and make people laugh in between? This world is just cruel.)

Anyway, upon arrival the first thing he would do is look at my heels and make a comment. Sometimes he'd even lift my pant leg to get a better look. Now I thought "oh cool he appreciates how I get all fancy for him" A guy that takes me out, calls me back AND appreciates my uncomfortable but oh so sexy footwear?! Besides the ex-wife and kid he's perfect!

Hmmm, wait isn't he wearing some expensive boots or crocodile shoes himself? Damnit. Gay. My flipping Gaydar failed me. I managed to go on multiple dates (with plenty of perfect cleavage gone to waste) with this guy and not notice this? Maybe I could just chalk it up to his Fancy Pants having some knowledge about fashion. He does wear Versace eye glasses. I just can't bring myself to accept this fact.

Unnntil, one night.

Unfortunately it all came to a screeching halt when I rushed to see him one night when I was in a grumpy ass mood and I realized he wanted a geisha. Not a girlfriend. He wanted some PYT to entertain him. He wanted a porcelain doll that was funny and could dance with him. (Oh crap, he liked to dance too. How could I have NOT known?!?) He wasn't the least bit attracted to me. Now his friend Gigantor next to him. The Dude?! Yeah he would dance with him. And rather closely I might add.

So that night,out of his mouth come the words "half gay" and I swooped my head around and said "um? why the hell am I here then?"

I then began to ponder a few things, mostly the difference between half gay and bisexual.

In my head there is a difference...bisexual is a clear desire to be with both genders. Half gay is more along the lines of a confused person. One who may come off "metro" at first. One who cares about shoes on girls but has a guy in tow everywhere he goes. One who claims that only reason he can't be gay is that he has reproduced. Once.

and we haven't gone out again since then.Shocker.

...stay tuned.

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