Monday, July 26, 2010

Too much of a good thing?

I've not had my computer handy for months, thus the lack of communication on my blog.

There has been so much happening I would have loved to share. Almost 7 months ago I met the man of my dreams. Alas, nothing lasts in this world and I have had a blogging break up. I've never had my heart broken before. Never been in love before. There is a first time for everything. And this, at 25 years young is my first, real, break up.

Kill me now. Just kidding I think I am surviving relatively well. I hate tears and all that is associated with being sad. But I cannot hide the truth. I am indeed quite sad. I may not let on. I may blatenly tell people. "I am sad" which seems to boast the opposite when you are out galavanting around with them just talking about your sadness rather than wallowing in it.

I had ONE day that I let myself wallow in it. It was horrible. The tears and the snot and the murmuring to myself. It's all very strange to me to let that release happen at such a stage in my life. I feel like I'm too old to act like that. Like a sniveling, sad puppy. It's unbecoming and I don't fancy the results.

Being, the exact feeling you had before. What does crying beget you? Nothing. Tom Hanks was right. "there's no crying in baseball!" nor should there be in life.
Now even just weeks ago, I would have sung you the praises of a 24 year old gorgeoous man that stole my heart in Key West, and that's why we will call him "Keys".

Keys was a lively spirit full of energy that I had been lacking in so many of my previous relationships. You may recall my affinity for older men. Much older than myself. They pretty much come with a sign that says, "Caution,Slow Old Men At Play" and I was missing a level of spontanaeity in any relationship with said men.

This one had it, we themed our relationship "adventurous". Well apparently as soon as the novelty wore off he woke up and realized he was telling a girl he loved her and it seemed a bit boring and maybe he was saying something he didn't mean.

A problem I have yet to encounter. I very rarely speak something that is not exactly how I feel. Which is why he and I have not spoken since the day after our break up. We've texted and it's been cold. I feel like I don't even know this human with whom I was head over heels for just DAYS ago.

We change, as people should. But how can one man utter the words , while laying in bed next to me, "I love you so much, and I don't tell you that enough I think." amd days later he embarks on a vacation with family and friends to a tropical locale. He texts and unprompted "I love you" at 4am when the plane is leaving. Proceeds to enjoy a week of seemingly single bliss and returns to a gift on his front door, a note and the desire to not be in a relationship anymore.

UGH. It boggles my mind but the broken hearted girl in me desires to know "why?" "what happened?", "did you ever actually love me?" but the sane human in me realized the answers to this question do not contain any healing powers.

So for days and days I have been at a loss for words. I've written down the anger. The pain and the sadness of losing. The joy of what once was. The embarassment of feeling unrequited love. And he has yet to see any of those words. They are cathartic at times. The words go into the universe and I feel as though I no longer need to shake him violently or throw things at him.

It's weird. Today I realized I am better off.I would never want someone to be ina relationship with me if they weren't really IN it. So I can't wait until the day that a man captures my heart. Sweeps me off my feet and loves me until I can't breathe.
It will come. I know I deserve it.

The title of this post refers to the fact that I think my ability to put all of my thoughts and feelings into words may have done me more harm than good in this case.
Ive always believed that "honesty is the best policy" but apparently when you tell someone matters of the heart some times a little mystery or words left unsaid is a good thing.
I still think it's crap.
I'm an over communicator. I will find someone who knows that plans are good. Making and sticking with the commitments you make to someone are a sign of your friendship and love. SHaring that with many people is not a bad thing. Telling people where they stand with you is okay. In fact, most people appreciate it.
Praising someone and building them up is always better than breaking them down.

Simple things I thought most people understood by now.
Apparently I was wrong.

But to all you good people who read this.
Thank you for being my release this week. I am smiling and happy and am so proud of my best friend who just got married on Saturday. It was beautiful and their love keeps me going knowing that it's out there.

Blah Blah Blah, even with that I feel all sentimental and crap and it's freaking me out.
My old roommate just had a baby and really I'm over the games and the BS. There is too much good in this world to dwell on or get scared of the bad.

So. Off to Spencer's I got to buy a little bumper sticker thing of those stupid looking bunnies that read things like "Boys are Stupid".
Don't judge me I got dumbped a week ago.

Now where is that super hot man who was flirting with me and invited me to go rock climbing? I'm ready for different "adventures" now!

...stay tuned.

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