Scared Straight

SO the past few months have been turbulent with moving into a new place,getting shoved aside from a guy I cared about, starting a second job, going back to school and having to kinda hide something from the world all at the same time. One of those alone would seem enough to rattle someones cage of normalcy.

While I don't really plan on sharing this with a ton of people. I do know that my best catharsis is always to write. So whilst dealing with all said business above I have also been going to see a bunch of Doctors to get things figured out.

I didn't even let my pops in on some of it until I knew for sure what the deal was.
And here are the basics...
I am still in the search of exactly what is ailing me in my intestinal area..allergies and what not but there was some other stuff going on that I was unaware of.

Kind of.

It's weird to say but I have always felt that something in my life would bring me to the conclusion I came to very recently.
I plan to adopt children.

Since I can remember I have cared deeply about the well being of children. So much so that I can honestly recall being maybe 7 years old thinking about my whole big giant brood of kids that I adopted.
What 7 year old thinks about that?

I just never got why there were so many people having babies they couldn't take care of and there were so many parents being selfish and wanting their "own" child.
I felt like someone had to come Angelina Jolie all the kids who needed a home.
Before Angelina even started!

I don't really have a desire to travel outside of this country to find my family because I see so many here in the United States. But I envy her path so much.To be affected by a child enough to instantly make them part of your family is a desire of mine.

Since I was such an advocate at such a young age I believe my wish came true.

My ability to have my own children is a small diminished window with a lot of effort behind it potentially.Granted, there is a possibility it could happen for me, with ease.But it's such a guessing game based on having lots of little cysts on my ovaries that prevent the egg from ever being released into the uterine lining to be fertilized.

So while I will be clear that by no means am I saying that I absolutely cannot birth a child of my own. But it's not something that is going to happen without aid when or if I decide to go down that road.

And there is where it gets interesting for me. I have wanted my family for a very long time. So much so that I believe honestly that I was put on this earth to be a mother.

It's probably why I am teaching right now.

It's also why despite my efforts the news of this syndrome kinda rocked my world. It seemed as if I had had plenty on my plate already to add this news to it just shook my core.

I am happy as a lark at the current moment. I have made my peace with all of the possibly scenarios for my family at this point.

But one scenario stands out to me, that seems to maybe shock some other people.
At twenty six years old I am working on doing research behind the process of adoption. I have every plan in the world to start my family with or without husband and "happily ever after" stamped on my story book.

So while this was definitely devastating news, I don't plan on letting it stop me from achieving my goal of being a wonderful mother to as many kids as possible.

If I were on another path, and I saw any glimpse of a man with whom I would trust enough to go down the road of conceiving children then yeah, I might not worry as much about time. Cuz if I was married and could just start trying now in hopes that it would eventually happen over the next couple of years then that's what we would do. And if that didn't work after a period of time I would be able to start exhausting all my fertility options. And that would be all well and good.

But I have sworn off men people! Remember that post? Yeah, I am sticking to it.
I am by no means trying to raise a child in a home without a father. I just know that what feels right to me is that my family starts when I am good and ready and saving up and doing research on the whole adoption process seems like a good way to get good and ready.

I mean who can really blame me for trying to prepare? It seems like people want to immediately tell me of the one friend they have that has the same thing and has a child.

Good. Great. Grand.

They have no bearing on my stage in life when I found out I had this.So why the hell do I care that they were lucky enough to have a child? Who knows what measures these people went through before this child came along also. Or maybe not. Maybe they were blessed immediately with said child.
Lucky them.

I'm not them.

So, in conclusion my life seems like it's on the up and up. And part of the reason I am working my ass off is because soon, I want to be able to bless myself with the love of my own child and I want to be financially stable and in a good place then.
And until then, I am working out the kinks.It's not always easy to look around at your married friends who are well on their way building their families...

I mean I am so stinkin happy for all of the budding and growing families around me.
I just know that my path will be different.
And I can't wait.

..stay tuned.

Surprise you live with a boy now!

It's not as bad as it seems but its kind of shocking to go from freely being able to walk around your house in your bra and underwear to having to sort of hide whenever I think about taking a shower.

I am the queen of procrastination so I put off things until the VERY very last minute.. for example.. getting ready for work.

So it is not uncommon for me to go racing up the stairs stripping off clothes grab a towel and hop in the shower only to go tearing back down the stairs after I am all clean looking for my work clothes which are constantly in the dryer.

Apparently my routine has to change now.

Although I saw one of the boys get up in the middle of the night chillin in his boxers. That totally means I can walk down the hall in my underwear too right?
Well.. one of them is married and the other one is way down in the basement so I guess I really don't have to worry about it but it's just funny to change your habits.
Not that I would go back to living with girls, by any means. I would much rather call my girls to meet me out for Happy Hour than have them be the ones I come home to and sit in PJ's and watch ESPN with.

That is a huge plus living with men. I now have a man cave I can go into and watch all the suround sound movies I want. I always know when "the game" is on. And if I am thinking about cooking a piece of meat.. It Shall Be Grilled!

Also, I can drink my face off, pass out on the couch and no one will bother me. For some strange reason girls feel the need to wake you and tell you "You should go to bed" Um. Thank you. I clearly laid on the couch when I was sleepy knowing it was a possibility I was going to drift off while still plopped there.
Kinda the reason I sat there in the first place.Silly girls.

I like where I live now, boys and all.
But they totally smell. Always have, and always will I guess.

Set Fire to the Rain

When did I move to Seattle?
This rain just isn't going to do. I actually really like rain if the temperature is above like 12. Which it currently feels like.

But none the less I am trying to recharge this evening and go out and have a life because after a nearly 60 hour work week,school work due every day this week and an 18 hour day yesterday and the kids out on Spring Break all week I would not be blamed for hiding in a cave and asking someone to put lotion on their skin "or it gets the hose!"

Just sayin.

But seriously this could quite possibly be the coolest phase of my life. The absolute most challenging phase but I see the rewards in ten fold.
I have spoken of my desire to keep away from men for the time being. And I am whole heartedly sticking to that. I know I will have my struggles because when that guy comes after me that is damn sexy and got his shit together. I will want to do what I normally do and become a cheerleader for the people around me and play second fiddle.

UM NO. Not today, not ever again!

At least that is the hook I am hanging my coat on right now.

Besides that the challenge for me is to enjoy the hard work I am putting in. I am trying to surround myself with motivational quotes and positive thoughts to steer my ship in the right direction each day. I have seriously loaded up my plate right now and it would be easy for me to say. Fuck it, I'm gonna go back to working one job and having a life and just try to manage. Or I'm going to work hard in these two jobs but become bitter and resentful and complain a lot.

Also, NOT gonna happen.
I literally recited "you signed up for this, you signed up for this" over and over again today in the car.
I was exhausted last night. 18 hours with one hour break and no dinner. But it's all manageable. I spoke with one of the managers at JobTwo and kinda broke it down for him. Told him how driven I was and that this was kinda a first for me. He dared me to take more on and work for them full time after my classes end. I told him to suck it.

No, I didn't do that. But I did tell him I was getting better at saying 'no' and this was one of those times. If in a couple of months they like where I've been and want to show me a rea$on why they feel I should commit more time and effort to them then so be it. But for now, they play second fiddle. They will get no less of my love, just as much hard work and all of my smiles and mustered positive energy as I possibly can when I show up there.

For now, my priorities lie where I took the first steps a year ago. At my teaching job, which is the reason I am in school again these days. Most people never thought they would see the day. My dad is soooo excited to have me taking classes again. I'm not even sure I've explained to him fully what it's for but from a set of parents who did not finish college, they are thrilled to see the second of three get some sort of degree. Even if I can only use it to advance my career in a Child Care setting.

Speaking of devils risen from hell to curse me and rip my heart out and eat it.
Oh.. we weren't on that subject?

Well.... now we are.
My kids are on Spring Break right now. Holy dear God I have never wanted to PUNT so many children before. I don't want to hurt them, and the likelihood of me hurting anyone by punting them in my 5 foot frame is very much the opposite. But I couldn't get away from them fast enough today. I cannot wait for them to go back to school next week.

If there is any examples of why kids need structure and actually thrive on it, this week, would be the perfect example. They just go nuts when they aren't receiving the desired attention and boundaries set. I promise you, children respond well to parents and teachers asking them to stick to certain rules. But when Spring Break arrives and they have no school, and parents wondering WTF to do with their children all week they send them to me.Barely fed,barely rested and by no means clean.
Hahahaha I wish I was kidding.

Today I found a rock in my pocket, and a nail. One was put there by a child and one was taken away from a child. You guess which is which.
I love my job and even though this week I was closer to a meltdown than Japan's Nuclear reactors I don't think I see any light in walking away from this place. Scary because I'm certainly not setting myself up to be a rich girl walkin'. But never the less I can't argue with the satisfaction of a gorgeously designed and put together "Helper Board" in my classroom. It's those kinds of little things I cannot seem to find the pleasure in in any other setting.

So when I get through with classes at the end of the summer I will be able to move up in this little world of mine and I hope to do so very soon. Goals, it's all about setting goals.
Now if I could only find that notebook I wrote all my goals down in, I could get started. Haha kidding. I write them down in Dry Erase marker on my full length mirror, and set reminders on my phone, with alarms, and find really important paperwork to scrawl them on the back of. (ever hear of organized chaos?, yeah, this isn't it.)

So as I wish I could set fire to this rain so it would freaking warm up in this joint I will just listen to my new obsession, Adele instead.
loves it.

Have a great and wonderful Easter to all of you. I will be working. (Shocker!)
...stay tuned.

Joining a covant.. or whatever it's called

I just decided.
Today. Actually like 23 seconds ago.. that I am giving up my earthly possessions and going to find a local "nun place" (hahaha I have NO idea what they are called, and I'm clearly too lazy to look it up)
and ask them to take me in.

Immediately and forever. I can. not. stand. men.
Whatever it is that I have, that makes them turn insane and drive me insane. I want it to stop.

On second thought, I may just need an exorcism.
"I have exerciiiiiiised the demons, this house is clear" (I <3 AceVentura!)
There is definitely some evil goin on.

I toiled with the idea of simply going lesbian... but I'm pretty sure I would bash my own head in trying to deal with another woman. Besides part of my issue with the men I date anyway is that I strongly desire them to take charge and be all manly and stuff. (Seems easy enough right?)
But a butch woman I doubt will come anywhere near as manly as I need my men.

So does anyone know anyone who knows anyone who does exorcisms?
Or maybe is a nun?
Or could give me a drug that could sedate the next man until it's years into the relationship he feels trapped but is too scared to walk away because when he came to there was a gorg (yes, me) woman who was bossing him around and he was happily swiffering the floor, so he figures he will just stick around, for like, ever.

Or maybe, is a lesbian and can really vouch for being in relationship with a woman.

No, that last one probably won't work.
I'm definitely going to hope for one of the top 3.

Which means, my fate is in your hands. My life could take drastic turns from here people... be careful with it!

...stay tuned

Happy One Hundred

Can't believe I have 100 posts on here!
I can't believe some of you are still here reading this!

I am currently drinking a Blue AMP and trying to get Baby shower stuffs done, JobTwo training ish and simultaneously trying not to hate every man ever.

It's a perky slash Agro Crag kind of day.
(Remember the Agrocrag?.. Yeah not really me either. I just know it was on some kids game show... and when I lived in LA we used the word Agro instead of angry.. so somehow Agrocrag was born to show a heightened level of anger)
(God, I'm weird)

Fighting with my normal sense of irrationality. I want to get this baby shower stuff done..like go get the decorations and plan the menu.
But I am such a ridiculous human.. if I do things early or on time I tend to OVER do them. Like wayyyy more decorations than I need. Or end up getting things that I will not actually use.
BUT
if I wait.. I will inevitably forget something and stress hardcore about not having enough time to get all the things I need.

It is seriously scary inside my brain sometimes. I think I've said that like 25346346 times recently. I wouldn't know cuz I don't tend to read what I write. I put it out there and hope that no one catches any huge gaffes in my spelling or grammar but as far as content.. I kinda have a "Go F%#$ Yourself" attitude.

Hahah maybe that's why I can't keep a relationship going. I really believe I am awesome just the way I am. And "crazy" isn't part of that. You know how guys like to deem girls "crazy". Yeah I don't fall into that category.. but I always say I'm crazy in a different way. Like actually, weird not making sense, have huge hang ups, like things my way, I am messy and organized at the same time. I am loud and uber silent. I make zero fucking sense. But I totally get me.

Men.. not so much.

It's not like I have time for anyone else in my life anyway.
I've seriously got some things lined up that make me seem like a crazy go getter type. Hhahaha and back to the crazy thing.. cuz I am currently sitting in a seriously messy bedroom and pretending it's going to clean itself.

I swear in my head.. I have these relevant topics I'm going to discuss on my blog. And clear thought out messages that will make sense. But by the time I get to my computer I'm either fuming, exhausted or rushed. Seriously, it's only those three things that bring me to hide in my bedroom and put the keyboard on my lap.And start tap tapping away.

But I got a new APP on my phone that should help organize me.
BWHAHAHAHAHA.. I also write one a FULL sheet of paper EVERY single day, my to do list.
AND
I write in dry erase marker on my full length mirror.
The things I don't feel like doing.. carry over onto SO many of those lists it's ridiculous. Someone might go to sit in the passenger side of my car. Look at my folded sheets of paper and see check marks and think "wow, she is really getting things done". But upon closer inspection.. seeing the same line
"CDA Follow up info"
"2009 taxes"
"Pay Credit Card Bill"
on every effing single one of those papers might make me look like a lazy bastard.
I like to think I'm somewhere in the middle.
The taxes are almost done.. just need to send in the State.. and since I owe them money I am putting that one off until the next pay check.
But if I took it off the list.. I would assume it was done and forget. So everyday for the next two weeks I will be staring at that one. Along with the Credit Card bill... it's not due for almost 3 weeks.. but I HAVE to make it visible or it fades from my consciousness.

Also, Laundry probably makes the list every other day. Cuz I hate it. So freaking much. I put it on there knowing full well I don't need it on there.. the GIGANTIC pile of clean clothes that remains IN laundry basket ON my bed needs to be put away.
Like last week.
Also the GROWING pile of whites and darks needs to be put INTO the wash. Sometimes I write it down just to piss myself off.. Like uhm Brooke.. You don't seriously need to check this one off. it shoulda been done already. Why are you sleeping on a small sliver of the bed just to avoid the laundry basket and hangers placed there and ready to get put away. Hahaha

CRAZY. I tell you. Not, freak out "where are you, why aren't you answering your phone?" kinda crazy. But crazy none the less.

Gosh I love me.

..stay tuned.