Sunday, March 20, 2011

One too many...

The AA saying goes.. "One drink is too many and a thousand is never enough"
Well color me drunk because the last few weeks I've sought solice in the bottom of a bottle.. Not hardcore but definitely straying from my normal routine of being a one drink wonder..

The craziest loudest dancing machine at a bar that ISN"T drunk was usually how I played it.

But after Cashew and I broke up, it seemed to just happen a lot more.
(I've got so many possible nicknames for him I may interchange them, beware: confusion ahead)

I am at a loss right now. I have this "Say Anything", John Cusack moment running through my head. Does that shit happen in real life? I have always wanted it to happen to me. But what if I was the one holding the boombox over MY head?

I can't help but feel like my intuition was right. From the very beginning I knew this guy was for me. He was mine. Not just one that would be mine at some point. But mine. Like for good.

I have no problem speaking about how I currently feel because I can't see how it could get any worse. I don't have him. I see it is a last ditch effort to maybe prove to myself that these moments. The slow motion montage scenes with people running into each others arms, turning around one last time, picking up the phone, wipe the tears away and do something about it moments really do happen.

They could right?!
Love stories.. a thing of the past?

I firmly believe I was born in the wrong era. I was meant to be a wife of some man who through all the years we spent together... the fights the really bad struggles the ups and the downs we were 90 something years old saying how proud we were that we never gave up.

Where are those stories these days? Nobody seems to be able to stick it out. For me, there is no other option. The one I marry, if I marry, will be the only one.
It can't be any other way. Divorce rocked my childhood and I refuse to let anything that toxic into my life again.

Wow, that took a turn for serious. I just wonder. A lot.
And since receiving a message from his sister.. and a FB chat convo with his mother. I can't help but think, this really is a family I was meant to be a part of.

It didn't help that 24 hours after I broke it off, a boy who has been chasing me for over a year found himself in front of "Single B" for the first time.

He was just like all the others tho. I put a spell on people from far away.
They are charmed and allured. They snap out of it very quickly though.

And I am left on the top of the roller coaster climb, left to free fall alone. Again.
He wasn't anyone I cared deeply about.

Clearly because I have yet to let go of the one who had a convo with me about "when" we would get married. Not "if".
I'm an idiot.
Thus, the booze fueled nights where luckily I haven't texted him. Yet.

I never told this one I loved him. Cuz I didn't. But I don't date anyone for real if I don't see their potential.

And then I am left with a broken "potentially amazing" ex boyfriend.

I am a hopeless romantic and that part of my brain. The one that is telling me to get off my ass and write a letter. (You know the old fashioned type. Pen and paper)
Leave it on his doorstep and let him choose to meet me in a place that was special to us.

As un-girly as I claim to be.. this has got to be the girliest idea I've ever had.
Do I have enough balls to do it? And do I have enough strength to pick myself back up if it doesn't go as I would hope?

These are the questions that are yet to be answered.
But I do know that when I saw him recently, he was kind,sweet, helpful and I cried as I drove away from him.
I don't cry.

But for someone I didn't love. I have cried a lot over him.
oh Lordy, the inner workings of 26 year old brain is quite frightening at times.

...stay tuned.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Write It! Shout It! Let me hear all about it!