This one is for you.
I know you'll read it eventually. And I unfortunately can't blog like I used to. It's toxic. It's hurt people, and it was never my intent. As is with this post. Truthful and emotional, yes but I hope you don't find hurtful at all.
But you have to know that I've both cried and yelled at my computer as I wrote this. I don't know what my intention is putting this out there. But I know that you shared with me some of your inner most thoughts recently. And I'll share some of mine at this time.
Here I sit, thinking….about all you’ve given to me to think about. You’ve once again presented the fundamental issue with you and/or all relationships. You only want what you can’t have. I served it to you on a platter. We’ve had this back and forth. Years and years we’ve built this relationship. I felt like It was me against the world plenty of times, but I had a secret weapon. You. You listened; you made me feel like I could handle anything. You were an amazing confidant. But you used it against me. You learned more and more about me and somehow kept your distance. You let me feel like at some point I could make you believe I was different. And there I sat, I watched you in your relationships. So many of them, and you easily showed how lackluster your feelings were towards these women. You obviously shared something with each of them. You are way more sensitive than you let on. And that’s fine. But you let each of them feel what I have sworn I will never let anyone make me feel. It may be a defense mechanism, but I refuse to be part of a less than stellar relationship. It’s just not how I see my cards being played. I want the world. I want a partner in crime. My best friend who is there for me, always. And that’s what I thought we were building. Though you don’t remember it the way I do, I distinctly remember telling you I loved you. I cared so deeply about you. I know I let you in on that. But you took it, and, well I’m not sure what you did with that information. You probably didn’t believe it. Because for some crazy reason you’ve got this notion that with the insane amount of intellect and humor and kindness that you possess that it’s not enough for me. Or your best friends sister. He may be my big brother, and I , his little sister. But I deserve everything imaginable and I get to decide what is or is not enough for me. Not anyone else. And it’s a cop out to let yourself believe that you aren’t enough for someone else.
I am both pissed off and relieved. I hate that it’s now. You waited until I said over and over again that the ship has sailed. And like I told you, I didn’t necessarily believe it then. But I made myself. And It’s become the truth. And I also have mixed feelings about the night we slept together. You told me it was gonna happen. For years. And I refused it, we never had the timing right. And I’m glad it didn’t happen back then. I would have been the one that was crushed the next day. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I had let you have every single piece of me and it not have turned into something. That night was my own way to finally let you have all of me, but I wasn’t going to get hurt. I never intended to hurt you then. But I can’t say that I feel terribly about the way you felt after one single night. Even the following days you never shouted from the roof tops. You didn’t really lead me to believe that you were thinking about me more than any other girl you just spent the night with. The days after were ANOTHER chance you for say one goddamn thing that proved something. I don’t want a text. A sweet little reminder of a night that I was looking for nothing.
You say you had this rush of amazement you were happy and remember every moment of that night and following days. I felt nothing. Truthfully, what I wanted that night and what you could give me, were two different things. In the past, it would have been enough. It would have made me as elated as it made you. But you spent YEARS pushing whatever you may or may not have felt about me away enough with lame excuses and flirtatious behavior that kept me coming back. I want to cry right now writing this. Because what you said to me last night was what I wanted to hear. Years ago.
Like I said. It’s not enough now. I know that part of me has given up on love. I feel more alone than ever. I have no partner to bounce ideas off of. I am coming to grips with the idea that I’ve dreamed of, is just that. A dream.It’s not reality and my future lies more in my to be adopted children. I know that I may never find a love sufficient enough to ease my soul. I want it all. You had so much of me. You had to have known that. I was willing to build the rest. I am no longer willing to start over and try to build something. I don’t want to. It’s not fair. I am hurt. I am crushed.
And yet, I’m unscathed. I know this way, the way in which I had to shut it down and walk away. Was the best way. I could not have handled life after the fact with my brothers best friend looming around as I floundered if we had tried and failed at a relationship.
You say you never felt like enough, you could have been. Your attempt at letting me know this now, is not enough. I don’t know why you told me all those things last night. I sat there calmly, almost unemotional at times, while listening to you. But it did and does hurt.
Cuz time shouldn’t be the only factor. But when it’s been drawn out. It’s exhausting and I don’t have the energy to let myself be loved. It’s quite sad really. We talked about self-sabotage, and we are both extremely good at it. I think you wanted me to know that I drove you a little crazy those days. That I hurt you. But I still don’t think anything about what you told me was action oriented. You still wouldn’t do anything to make your feelings come to fruition.
I’m sorry for both of us. We’ve been there for each other plenty of times. For that I am thankful. That’s all we will ever be. With a tremendous amount of respect for each other.