Thursday, April 16, 2015
Well, I've gotten zero percent better since the last time I wrote. I didn't really try, I got outside and went for a bike ride with Tony and Adri. It was great, we went to the park. Sadly I still don't feel like i enjoyed much. Let me back up a bit... On Sunday I went to the baby shower for Emily and spent time with my mom's family. I had put off scheduling any plans for the day because Tony said Nino was coming in to town and he wanted to play it by ear. So somehow our lines got crossed, apparently my cell phone is not working optimally and I waited for a long time to hear from him so opportunities started going out the window. I was upset and when the option of hanging out with the Namans and cooking out and seeing D and baby Dominic came up I needed to pursue it. I am extremely lonely, that is a huge motivator to where I choose to spend my time. These are people I feel comfortable around so I don't have to be awkward in starting new relationships. Which is what I am trying to do up here in Baltimore. I am so confused by this because I've always had friends, lots of them. I must've alienated myself so badly that I no longer have a group of people I go out and choose to spend my time with. This is huge for me. I used to like to be alone, because so often I was surrounded by tons of people. So now that I'm not surrounded, being alone is every day and now I have to think about forming new relationships. Some of that is necessity, if I don't start creating relationships I will literally fall over and die. I cannot go on the way I am now. Part of it is also to learn to enjoy life. Laughing with friends is some of the best times I've ever had so I must seek that out again. Can I just tell you I've let my phone die and I haven't answered it at all. I tried to take some supplements to help boost my mood. It didnt go as planned. I've been doing research to see what options there are out there to help me get myself out of this depressive state. I have no option to go see a doctor so I need to do this au naturale. I found lots of info about Omega 3's and daily multi-vitamins to start helping my improve my mood. I ran upstairs and threw down a fish oil pill, realized I was a bit hungry but I wanted to start the mood boost immediately so I then went on to the multivitamin... Well it got stuck in my throat. Like really really. Obstructing my airway and all. I started coughing and it moved into place more, I could still breathe because I was choking and coughing still but my body was freaking out, trying to cough it out or swallow it, finally i got it down and could start to breathe normally again. My head is pounding and my eyeballs are all red from busting some capillaries I guess. I was honestly moving towards my phone to call 911 because I was choking and alone. It really freaked me out. And then that boost of adrenaline on top of what I had just swallowed probably did not make a good combination because I went downstairs to eat a banana and a few bites in I felt nauseous. I've tried to just sit and rest but I'm shaking and borderline going to vomit. So today feels like a massive failure but I'm going to look up how to take these supplements better so I can try again tomorrow. I will get outside and get more sunshine and I am writing in here so I may be on my way to feeling better soon. If anyone has any tips or tricks to taking supplements and keeping them down please feel free to drop me a line and let me know how the heck to do this because I feel like shit right now and that is the opposite of what I was going for! Alright folks, i think it's time to take a break but I will be back soon! Thanks for staying tuned!