Friday, April 10, 2015

Shit just got real.

Here's the thing... Every time I think I have a handle on things, life seems to throw me a curve. And that damn Rascal Flatts song doesn't always play in my "yeah life throws ya curves, but you learn to swerve" I have been repeatedly getting bashed in the head with a particular set of curves coming my way and since I didn't seem to get it I think they ended up much like a Nascar race and I was just going in circles at a really high speed. Guess what was missing. Go ahead, guess. No, not a man. Cuz he's never been part of my picture. (have you EVER read a blog of mine?!!!) Not some magical awesome thing that always grounds me, wait yes, yes that's exactly what was missing. That thing happens to be, writing. blogging. YOU GUYS! I am a writer. I have pushed this part of me out for SOOOOOOO long that I became depressed. Well, I became depressed because I lost my Grandfather in August and just a few days ago realized I never grieved the loss. Don't get me wrong, I was sad. But other than at the funeral I never let myself feel anything. Nothing. And for the last 8 months I had continued that numbness into every day life. I was irritable ( I AM, still very irritable) I am fatigued... ALL the time. Of course I have a 2 year old who has more attitude than the entire cast of Clueless. So I kept dismissing this. I knew a few months back that nothing was making me laugh. I realized I was numb, but I didn't understand why yet. I have successfully avoided any and all opportunities to further my Real Estate Career. I've been a shit business owner. I have done just good enough of a job to suffice for a week. And then I let that week bleed, and I guess I'm a bit of a hemophiliac because bleed it did. And I've been falling reaching for earth for realness, for anything to snap me out of this place. I've gotten apps. My favorite one is Headspace, but even that I cannot commit to doing every day. I tried the app Super Better but didn't want to do the portion which invited "allies" into my issue. I've looked up a few natural cures on depression. Looked up several different ways to find out if it was indeed depression that was causing me to be so utterly distant from the body I woke up in every morning. I tried to hug my daughter harder. To smile and watch her interact with her Dad and see how heartwarming life was in those moments. I acknowledged it but never FELT warmed. I tried putting exercise into my life. This was the one thing that seemed to start to make a difference. I still am not in a routine that I'm proud of yet. Not quite exercising every day consistently or doing a consistent exercise that makes me feel good. I'm also not drinking enough red wine that constitutes as exercise yet either. I mean one or the other is good enough for me right. I lost my taste for red wine. I seriously reached out to my online Mom group to ask what the hell to do about that. Naturally my wine drinking Mombies told me to push through. So I tried and I can stomach a glass or red wine occasionally these days but only when I consciously think about it. Anyway, point is. Here I am. Writing. Being honest, raw, hopeful, long winded. :) Anything to help me get better. Look forward to more blog posts because this momma ain't going down easy. Well, I went down pretty easy but I am going to get the hell back up and be awake and alive and energized and the best damn real estate agent/single mom/badass I ever was. I can't wait and I am so glad you all are a part of this process. ....stay tuned!

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