Do Not Disturb... I'm sunbathing on a boat.

I'm on a boat. Seriously I just took a break from the nicest day that most of the east coast has seen in weeks to show you this video.
Okay I lied. I was thirsty and hungry and graham crackers weren't cutting it. I am currently sunbathing on my dad's boat all day but I popped inside to read something funny... or feed my face. Either one.

Instead of reading anyone else's well thought out Friday blogs I chose to ignore everyone and look for good shit for my own damn blog. I stumbled across this gem upon my brother's insistence that I check out "tow in body boarding".

I was on facebook and across the room he yells "tow in body boarding!" I replied "uhh what?"
"youtube it" he says and I told him "no".

I got on twitter and he says "ahhh i told you isn't it awesome?"
"I'm not looking at it I'm tweeting"
"No one wants to read what you have to write, go look at tow in body boarding"
"I don't have time for that crap!" I hissed back.

So I then went to check it out. He yells something like "yeah, it's tight, I know, I'm cool."
and I told him I didn't listen to anything he ever told me and was not in fact on youtube, I was checking my gmail.
He heard the terrible song in the background and has now patted himself on the back because he knows that after I tweeted the link I was gonna put it up on my blog too. Dangsies.My brother is cooler than I am.

Like I said the song is freaking terrible but the video is genius. This I can promise you is how my brothers and I will spend the summer. The first half trying to figure out who can drive the jet ski masterfully enough to do this at the beach and the second part making sure we can survive the first few attempts.

Happy Friday. (be glad I said it now and not 3 days later, on Monday!)



Happy Friday. (be glad I said it now and not 3 days later, on Monday!)

...stay tuned.

Spoiler Alert:: The Dog Dies.

It has seriously been raining for at least a week straight,maybe two. At least here in Virginia. I stopped watching the weather after day 4 of the rain so I don't know if other parts of the country are drowning like I am. I can't keep track anymore. All I know is that my days off keep getting screwed cuz I just can't motivate myself to do anything when its raining. I can't run outside and I certainly cannot motivate myself to go to the gym instead. (the gym membership I am paying for while trying to rub together two pennies to purchase a new car since mine is laughing in my face with its new starter and 8000 other broken parts)

So here it is day 2409325 of the flood and I have two whole freaking days off and I don't see the clouds a clearing any time soon.
How the hell am I supposed to go shopping for a new car? (Oh I almost forgot about ebay and plenty of other online shopping experiences. Why DO i leave my house ever?)

How the hell am I supposed to party it up for Memorial Day weekend at the beach? It's a tradition and I will not have this massive amount of precipitation bring those plans crashing down. (And yes I will consider it doomsday if it rains just a drop on my beach trip that is still over two weeks away. I'm not a drama queen, just a beach bum.)

How the hell am I supposed to be all baby planning for my BFF who is in preterm labor and gonna pop out this kid any day now? I feel like I am the husband who has to do all this planning but I am a best friend so I do have some representing to do. Especially since the main BFF is in Tey hass (texas duh.) and I have to represent us both. Unless the kid holds on for another week or so when all three of us will be reunited. I'm gonna bring her lunch tomorrow and talk to her belly and tell the little bugger that I am stressing out and I would really like it if she played by the rules and came out on her due date. But I don't really know how that works.

On a random side note: I watched Marley and Me. Yes I am aware I am 68 years late and I just want to tell anyone who is possibly slower than myself. It sucks. The dog dies but thats the most riveting part of the story. Lame.

Up next: Slumdog Millionaire. I'm hoping there is bollywood type dancing, if not, I'm going to be pissssed.


...stay tuned.

Half-Gay **Updated**

***Updated***
Apparently I've pissed a lot of people off in this post. I apologize.Which is hysterical because no one fucking reads this thing.

My life can be funny it can be entertaining but when it isn't I make sure it sounds that way in my blog. Things may be a bit exaggerated in here.(GASP!, A hyperbole?! Not in a writer's life!?@!) I am not in fact calling anyone gay. And if I was, who cares cuz gay people rule. But I'm not. So relax fancy pants and everyone who has to do with this post. My life is blog fodder. I call 'em like I see 'em. Get over it. I have apologized for feelings hurt. I never have and never will intend to hurt anyone, in this blog or in my daily life. It's not who I am. I am in no way a malicious person and my words are all I have. I like to craft a story and this here... is a story.


And because I have previously said I am not a self loathing blogger who deems her shit worthless and still looks for a hand. AND Regardless of the pure fact that I have only a few readers from time to time , I will indeed keep this post up because I'm pretty sure the people I pissed off want nothing to do with me at this point and have no interest in a little blog like this...So here goes.




I recently bought some sexy purple pumps.They were calling my name, gorgeous and shiny, mind you I am in dire need of a new car. Not new new just new like, it runs. But these shoes could not be ignored.

Now before you start hurling stones at me and preaching about saving or spending wisely,I want to tell you that they only cost 7 dollars. And if you've met a woman who can pass up a good pair of heels and a good deal, well then you will have met a man. No such woman exists.

Problem is, the last man I was trying to date, kind of had that same flare for shoes that I have. (I should have freaking known)

Now I got me a collection of high heels, no Jimmy Choos, no LaBoutins either. But sister can add some flavor to her outfits when need be.

So every time we would go out, I'd arrive all gussied up (Timeout: How can I NOT have a boyfriend yet? All I want to do is get dressed up when we go out, watch sports when we don't and make people laugh in between? This world is just cruel.)

Anyway, upon arrival the first thing he would do is look at my heels and make a comment. Sometimes he'd even lift my pant leg to get a better look. Now I thought "oh cool he appreciates how I get all fancy for him" A guy that takes me out, calls me back AND appreciates my uncomfortable but oh so sexy footwear?! Besides the ex-wife and kid he's perfect!

Hmmm, wait isn't he wearing some expensive boots or crocodile shoes himself? Damnit. Gay. My flipping Gaydar failed me. I managed to go on multiple dates (with plenty of perfect cleavage gone to waste) with this guy and not notice this? Maybe I could just chalk it up to his Fancy Pants having some knowledge about fashion. He does wear Versace eye glasses. I just can't bring myself to accept this fact.

Unnntil, one night.

Unfortunately it all came to a screeching halt when I rushed to see him one night when I was in a grumpy ass mood and I realized he wanted a geisha. Not a girlfriend. He wanted some PYT to entertain him. He wanted a porcelain doll that was funny and could dance with him. (Oh crap, he liked to dance too. How could I have NOT known?!?) He wasn't the least bit attracted to me. Now his friend Gigantor next to him. The Dude?! Yeah he would dance with him. And rather closely I might add.

So that night,out of his mouth come the words "half gay" and I swooped my head around and said "um? why the hell am I here then?"

I then began to ponder a few things, mostly the difference between half gay and bisexual.

In my head there is a difference...bisexual is a clear desire to be with both genders. Half gay is more along the lines of a confused person. One who may come off "metro" at first. One who cares about shoes on girls but has a guy in tow everywhere he goes. One who claims that only reason he can't be gay is that he has reproduced. Once.


and we haven't gone out again since then.Shocker.

...stay tuned.

*Updated*Somebody get the manager please...

Who the hell invented the internet? And why the hell are they punishing me?

I recently moved. I think I spoke of this lovely venture that I tend to do every 10-12 months... yeah. About that.

Oops we forgot to think ahead and plan for cable and internet to be set up within the first week of moving in.

I'm dying.

I have NO cable. Meaning the two new episodes of The Office last night? Yeah this girl didn't get to see them. I'm seriously dying people.

I have no internet. So I am at the library right now. Did you just read that?

The
FREAKING
Library. (or Lybarry if you are cool)

When is the last time you were in a library?

So this is just to tell you that there is much more to be said in the TRI-UMPH bloggy blog but FIOS has decided that reading books and being productive for 3 plus weeks is actually fun.
(they're wrong by the way. Dead wrong)


...stay tuned.

UPDATE***
Only two more days until the Fios people come and send my roommate and I back into the 21st century. Then I will be able to get back to some semblance of my normal routine. I know there are people waiting with baited breath. Thanks for waiting. I swear it will be worth it. I've had quite an adventurous two weeks since the cable and internet guys crushed my dreams and told me I have to.. GASP.. wait for something...dangsies.
Come to think of it they even have rooms dedicated to waiting. I would have NEVER survived in any other generation than the one I'm living in currently.And even now thigns just aren't fast enough for me. Awesome, I just came to the realization that I'm a spoiled effing brat. Eh well.

I hope you guys are coming to as many life altering conclusions while I make you wait.

...stay tuned!

Cops go hardcore at the end of the month, Me, I tend to ease up a bit.

I don't know if this counts as a real post. I am just consumed by random effing thoughts right now that I must share them. I apologize in advance. Especially because I am not one of those self loathing bloggers who apologizes for shit they write and then looks for pity.

Wait Stop Don't.You are actually gonna love this.
So let me try that again.

I'm full of freaking genius today and I cannot contain it in one thought process. So here I will give you all of them. Some people call that babbling, but as the joke goes...(my name is brooke. think about it.)

Musings of a Twenty Something:

**18 year old boys smell freaking delicious.

Well I don't really think eating the smell of Abercrombie is what I want. I want tons of half naked Abercrombie models running around, but I digress.
One young man got up from a table tonight right as I was walking by and I got a whiff. Mmmmm. Guys my age and older don't wear that crap anymore.The last time I probably smelled it was the last time I dated an 18 year old. Sooo like, in highschool. It does smell good...but it is laced with the smell of youth as well.
(and we all know how much I love younger guys. not.)

When the hell did I become the 24 year old who kind of feels dirty for thinking this way anyway?Dangsies!

** Tonight I rested my boobs on the bar, on command.

I am getting promoted.(those two statements don't seem to go together, but they do I promise.) Again. (within 7 months of working there, soon I will pretty much take over the world, yeah I'm effing that awesome)

Anyhowzer, They want me (or my C cups rather) to bartend!
Had I been asked 6 months ago, I would have refused. I am not cut out to be the schmoozy floozy. Which is pretty much necessary to be a bartender.
I think I can manage to avoid being sleazy behind the bar at JobOne (formerly JobTwo)

Plus it only opens up a world of opportunity, financially it is so much smarter to be a bartender. The tips far outweigh that of a server. So my grand plan is to train for the next few weeks. Revamp my server schedule to beef up the Captain shifts and then get a few bar shifts and the rest of the time start working at the new JobTwo.
(more on that later)

**I can tie a knot in a cherry stem. (and I'm not just trying to be like the Flobots)

People think it is impossible. I was one of those people until tonight. I was especially determined tonight. My younger sister has always been able to do it.
And now I can add that on my list of qualities that mean absolutely nothing about me but am sure to tell someone within five minutes of sitting at a bar next to them.


**I thought I was an animal lover until I met my new roommate.

She has.. drum roll please...

2 cats.(Gross, they better not pee anywhere "in or around the coat area")

1 rabbit.. that's fine. I think.(My one rabbit that I owned was actually a bunny, the difference is their size. Mine dies of the sniffles. An actual ailment known to cause death in bunnies. Look it up.)

1 Snake. Gasp! I actually like snakes but most people freak out about that one.

and 3 (count them, three) Sugar Gliders.
WTF is a sugar glider? The closest comparison I can offer you is a flying squirrel. Which is completely inaccurate. However it's a good visual to have. Though squirrels are not nocturnal and sugar gliders are. (making them all the more weird as a pet because she keeps them in her closet.)

Yeah, I am moving in with Ace freaking Ventura.


...stay tuned.