Scared Straight

SO the past few months have been turbulent with moving into a new place,getting shoved aside from a guy I cared about, starting a second job, going back to school and having to kinda hide something from the world all at the same time. One of those alone would seem enough to rattle someones cage of normalcy.

While I don't really plan on sharing this with a ton of people. I do know that my best catharsis is always to write. So whilst dealing with all said business above I have also been going to see a bunch of Doctors to get things figured out.

I didn't even let my pops in on some of it until I knew for sure what the deal was.
And here are the basics...
I am still in the search of exactly what is ailing me in my intestinal area..allergies and what not but there was some other stuff going on that I was unaware of.

Kind of.

It's weird to say but I have always felt that something in my life would bring me to the conclusion I came to very recently.
I plan to adopt children.

Since I can remember I have cared deeply about the well being of children. So much so that I can honestly recall being maybe 7 years old thinking about my whole big giant brood of kids that I adopted.
What 7 year old thinks about that?

I just never got why there were so many people having babies they couldn't take care of and there were so many parents being selfish and wanting their "own" child.
I felt like someone had to come Angelina Jolie all the kids who needed a home.
Before Angelina even started!

I don't really have a desire to travel outside of this country to find my family because I see so many here in the United States. But I envy her path so much.To be affected by a child enough to instantly make them part of your family is a desire of mine.

Since I was such an advocate at such a young age I believe my wish came true.

My ability to have my own children is a small diminished window with a lot of effort behind it potentially.Granted, there is a possibility it could happen for me, with ease.But it's such a guessing game based on having lots of little cysts on my ovaries that prevent the egg from ever being released into the uterine lining to be fertilized.

So while I will be clear that by no means am I saying that I absolutely cannot birth a child of my own. But it's not something that is going to happen without aid when or if I decide to go down that road.

And there is where it gets interesting for me. I have wanted my family for a very long time. So much so that I believe honestly that I was put on this earth to be a mother.

It's probably why I am teaching right now.

It's also why despite my efforts the news of this syndrome kinda rocked my world. It seemed as if I had had plenty on my plate already to add this news to it just shook my core.

I am happy as a lark at the current moment. I have made my peace with all of the possibly scenarios for my family at this point.

But one scenario stands out to me, that seems to maybe shock some other people.
At twenty six years old I am working on doing research behind the process of adoption. I have every plan in the world to start my family with or without husband and "happily ever after" stamped on my story book.

So while this was definitely devastating news, I don't plan on letting it stop me from achieving my goal of being a wonderful mother to as many kids as possible.

If I were on another path, and I saw any glimpse of a man with whom I would trust enough to go down the road of conceiving children then yeah, I might not worry as much about time. Cuz if I was married and could just start trying now in hopes that it would eventually happen over the next couple of years then that's what we would do. And if that didn't work after a period of time I would be able to start exhausting all my fertility options. And that would be all well and good.

But I have sworn off men people! Remember that post? Yeah, I am sticking to it.
I am by no means trying to raise a child in a home without a father. I just know that what feels right to me is that my family starts when I am good and ready and saving up and doing research on the whole adoption process seems like a good way to get good and ready.

I mean who can really blame me for trying to prepare? It seems like people want to immediately tell me of the one friend they have that has the same thing and has a child.

Good. Great. Grand.

They have no bearing on my stage in life when I found out I had this.So why the hell do I care that they were lucky enough to have a child? Who knows what measures these people went through before this child came along also. Or maybe not. Maybe they were blessed immediately with said child.
Lucky them.

I'm not them.

So, in conclusion my life seems like it's on the up and up. And part of the reason I am working my ass off is because soon, I want to be able to bless myself with the love of my own child and I want to be financially stable and in a good place then.
And until then, I am working out the kinks.It's not always easy to look around at your married friends who are well on their way building their families...

I mean I am so stinkin happy for all of the budding and growing families around me.
I just know that my path will be different.
And I can't wait.

..stay tuned.