For you my friend...

This one is for you.
I know you'll read it eventually. And I unfortunately can't blog like I used to. It's toxic. It's hurt people, and it was never my intent. As is with this post. Truthful and emotional, yes but I hope you don't find hurtful at all.
But you have to know that I've both cried and yelled at my computer as I wrote this. I don't know what my intention is putting this out there. But I know that you shared with me some of your inner most thoughts recently. And I'll share some of mine at this time.


Here I sit, thinking….about all you’ve given to me to think about. You’ve once again presented the fundamental issue with you and/or all relationships. You only want what you can’t have. I served it to you on a platter. We’ve had this back and forth. Years and years we’ve built this relationship. I felt like It was me against the world plenty of times, but I had a secret weapon. You. You listened; you made me feel like I could handle anything. You were an amazing confidant. But you used it against me. You learned more and more about me and somehow kept your distance. You let me feel like at some point I could make you believe I was different. And there I sat, I watched you in your relationships. So many of them, and you easily showed how lackluster your feelings were towards these women. You obviously shared something with each of them. You are way more sensitive than you let on. And that’s fine. But you let each of them feel what I have sworn I will never let anyone make me feel. It may be a defense mechanism, but I refuse to be part of a less than stellar relationship. It’s just not how I see my cards being played. I want the world. I want a partner in crime. My best friend who is there for me, always. And that’s what I thought we were building. Though you don’t remember it the way I do, I distinctly remember telling you I loved you. I cared so deeply about you. I know I let you in on that. But you took it, and, well I’m not sure what you did with that information. You probably didn’t believe it. Because for some crazy reason you’ve got this notion that with the insane amount of intellect and humor and kindness that you possess that it’s not enough for me. Or your best friends sister. He may be my big brother, and I , his little sister. But I deserve everything imaginable and I get to decide what is or is not enough for me. Not anyone else. And it’s a cop out to let yourself believe that you aren’t enough for someone else.
I am both pissed off and relieved. I hate that it’s now. You waited until I said over and over again that the ship has sailed. And like I told you, I didn’t necessarily believe it then. But I made myself. And It’s become the truth. And I also have mixed feelings about the night we slept together. You told me it was gonna happen. For years. And I refused it, we never had the timing right. And I’m glad it didn’t happen back then. I would have been the one that was crushed the next day. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I had let you have every single piece of me and it not have turned into something. That night was my own way to finally let you have all of me, but I wasn’t going to get hurt. I never intended to hurt you then. But I can’t say that I feel terribly about the way you felt after one single night. Even the following days you never shouted from the roof tops. You didn’t really lead me to believe that you were thinking about me more than any other girl you just spent the night with. The days after were ANOTHER chance you for say one goddamn thing that proved something. I don’t want a text. A sweet little reminder of a night that I was looking for nothing.
You say you had this rush of amazement you were happy and remember every moment of that night and following days. I felt nothing. Truthfully, what I wanted that night and what you could give me, were two different things. In the past, it would have been enough. It would have made me as elated as it made you. But you spent YEARS pushing whatever you may or may not have felt about me away enough with lame excuses and flirtatious behavior that kept me coming back. I want to cry right now writing this. Because what you said to me last night was what I wanted to hear. Years ago.
Like I said. It’s not enough now. I know that part of me has given up on love. I feel more alone than ever. I have no partner to bounce ideas off of. I am coming to grips with the idea that I’ve dreamed of, is just that. A dream.It’s not reality and my future lies more in my to be adopted children. I know that I may never find a love sufficient enough to ease my soul. I want it all. You had so much of me. You had to have known that. I was willing to build the rest. I am no longer willing to start over and try to build something. I don’t want to. It’s not fair. I am hurt. I am crushed.
And yet, I’m unscathed. I know this way, the way in which I had to shut it down and walk away. Was the best way. I could not have handled life after the fact with my brothers best friend looming around as I floundered if we had tried and failed at a relationship.
You say you never felt like enough, you could have been. Your attempt at letting me know this now, is not enough. I don’t know why you told me all those things last night. I sat there calmly, almost unemotional at times, while listening to you. But it did and does hurt.
Cuz time shouldn’t be the only factor. But when it’s been drawn out. It’s exhausting and I don’t have the energy to let myself be loved. It’s quite sad really. We talked about self-sabotage, and we are both extremely good at it. I think you wanted me to know that I drove you a little crazy those days. That I hurt you. But I still don’t think anything about what you told me was action oriented. You still wouldn’t do anything to make your feelings come to fruition.
I’m sorry for both of us. We’ve been there for each other plenty of times. For that I am thankful. That’s all we will ever be. With a tremendous amount of respect for each other.

Right as Rain

I just reread the last two posts. And they could not have more different tones.

One speaks of happiness and joy and how everyday I strive to be there. To smile about something. It is usually rather easy for me.

and then

the most recent post speaks to my darker tones that are always there but not always at the surface. And that's just who I am.

Those two posts probably describe me most completely. I am one person with multiple sides. My favorite side is the happy go lucky side that lives for each day and is thankful for every stinkin thing that is positive in her life.
I can't think of another way to be.

Except when I am. Dark and emotional and in need of a lent hand to pull me out.
I will probably never ask for such a hand. But if I find there is a person in my life who grows to love me and knows all of me inside and out. They will hopefully be able to be that hand. Cuz I could have used a dominating force yesterday to throw the covers off of me and tell em to get my ass out of bed and stop wallowing.

So I may not have a type of man. I do have specific character traits that he will need. The ability to pick me out of my rabbit hole when life is behind me chasing me into it.


..stay tuned.

Closure...

Three days ago, yesterday and thankfully not so far today; I have been a complete recluse. An emotional mess. I very rarely take a quick spiral down and cant pick myself up again. It took me until today to really get there. To not suck the life out of my own presence. I cancelled and avoided a social commitment I was rather excited to be a part of.

I lost my "bonus" grandfather on Thursday. I was lucky enough to have 8 grandparents at some point in my life. Well not exactly. I never knew my StepMother's mom. I barely knew my own mother's mother. Very strong women who even though I only knew one for a short period of time have impacted my life. But out of those 8, only 2 remain. My maternal Grandfather and my StepDad's mother.

The problem with a big huge large ginormous family? They can't last forever. Though truthfully I have tricked my mind into thinking that my immediate family is indeed going to. I have always wanted to live to be 100 years old.

But I want every other person related to me right there with me. Complettely unrealistic I am aware. However my delusions of grandeur have not allowed me to really process how horrific 100 just might be if I keep up this pace.

There is a resounding darkness in my life. It is death. I am not afraid of death for myself. I have no real qualms about it. I understand that one's time comes and one does not avoid, the end. (If you have seen a Final Destination or 5 you'd know that by now)

However, I have been exposed to death early and often. I was young when my grandmother passed away. I had a neighbor in a court I lived for a long time pass away. I recently lost my other Bonus Grandfather and my Paternal Grandmother and Grandfather.
I've lost two aunts, an uncle and most devastatingly, a best friend. Each of which I went to experience their funerals. My time to say goodbye. If I did not already get a chance to.

There in lies the problem. If I am only faced with the result and not the days weeks months, leading up to the end. I cannot wrap my head around it.

I feel as if the person was stolen from me.

Supremely selfish I am aware. I am consumed with the robbery. I cannot bring myself to an understanding that allows me to keep moving. Unless I must.

I am very good at putting on a brave face. My father taught me that one. And I can be other peoples rock. I can lift people as high as they are willing to go on my shoulders. I can support and remain positive for as long as necessary...for someone else. My mother taught me those traits.

For myself I go deep. I go dark. I can't see the way out. It's my way. I spiral down, and when all alone. Usually when I am driving.. my tears come. Quickly and ugly usually. I don't spend more than 10 minutes on one cry sesh and then I move on.

Unless I need more. And death.. usually requires more.
When I lost my best friend. It changed the way I felt about death.

She was so important to me. I loved her way of living. I love the way she affected people. I love the attitude she had. She was less of a best friend and more of a role model. I looked up to her. She was my age, but she was light years ahead of me.

I will never forget what I felt that day. It was a scene from a horror movie. The call, I dropped the phone and let out a guttural scream. I was "there" instantly. I called my father and uttered maybe 3 words.

"Nicole, she's.. gone"

I don't even think he understood them so he rushed home in the middle of the day to pick up his college aged daughter who was most definitely on the floor. Struggling to grasp any reason she would have been chosen to leave this earth.

I never did come to that understanding. I still would like to take it up with the man upstairs and claim he might have made a mistake.

I wear a blue bracelet, Every. Single. Day. to commemorate her. I think about her often. I talk to her mother and brother. I am at every event the foundation set up in her name, puts on. Her life affected me, her death will affect me for the rest of my life.

I hope writing this provides me with a bit of catharsis that I can continue today and not have a dark moment. I am heading to my family this evening to do the whole memorial thing in the next two days. Two days ago I flat out did NOT want to feel. I drank an entire bottle of wine to myself that night. No feeling. It was how I needed to cope. I knew it was coming.

I know my own soul and the way it works, and it hurts. I wanted to "feel" as little possible leading up to the fact that I knew I was going to be there tomorrow and Tuesday. Ugh. I don't even like writing about it because it makes it real.

On Tuesday I will get to say goodbye and hug and feel the support of many others who are saddened by our loss. And I will be much much better.


..stay tuned.

Dance! Monkey!

I don't know why I didn't post this at the time.. it was months ago... but here it is.. a little insight into what it was like to stop working two jobs. Which tends to be very often for me. As a matter of fact I ended it by saying don't let me get another 2nd job before January. Welp, it's January and I'm pretty sure by March I will be working as a bev cart girl at some golf course. Second jobs here I come again.. oh crap.I'm an idiot.. but anyway back to the point.. I had JUST left my second job hostessing at a really super crazy strict restaurant in my area. And I hated every minute of the actual job, but the people and social factor were incredible.... enjoy.


Do you hear the music?
Imagine a ring master, some elephants and feathered ladies, clowns and more.
It's circus music.

I just left my second job and as I was leaving I learned something very interesting.
I am a character.

DOUBLE YOU TEA EFF. Um, I totally knew this. Or did I? I've been told this many a time in my life. My personality is larger than life. I am five foot nothing and I want nothing more than to entertain the world. The way I see it is if you're not smiling you better be making me smile. I mean shit. There is too much crap goin on that if I can't make the best of it. We are all fucking doomed.
Just sayin.

So anyway. Between here, my Twitter account and real life interactions. I apparently entertain the shit out of people.

So as I was leaving, I am being reminded of hilarious moments of my short lived time at JobTwo.
Here's a highlight reel.

I went on a date with a co worker. (It's all girls at the host stand, we giggled, we imagined, we gossiped)
I refused multiple other dates with many other co workers.
I openly professed my love for a taken man.
I did the robot from the host stand to a table, with a line of gentlemen following in the act.
I spoke in an English accent to confuse people.
I spoke in an English accent to irritate the shit out of people.
I danced, on my female managers, and commonly in front of kitchen staff, with whom no words were spoken.
I told stories, loudly, often cussing in front of my superiors.
I let my co worker feel my boobs in the middle of the restaurant cuz he said he wanted to.
I did my job incredibly well and made other people feel bad about it.
I wore clothes into the building, knowing I would leave wearing them, and my favorite boys were the only ones who would see me leaving.

OH man, almost makes me long for the good ol days.
Wait?!?! What. No. I seriously just left. I have had ONE week of this whole, ONE job thing. I should probably savor it.

I give it about two effing weeks before I'm bouncing off the walls, for the love of Pete, someone punch me in my head if I try to get another job before January.

I'm counting on you folks!

Climbing the Ladder

So um, this whole growing up thing?

When does it start? Pretty sure I'm right in the middle of this whole thing and its a lit-tle weird.
I got a big girl job.

I left my crazy 18 hour days for a promotion in the most positive direction I could possibly imagine.

I get to love my class and each class in my building while managing the staff and all the paper worky type stuff that makes my OCD brain happy.
This makes me insanely happy.

Which brings me to a side note... I am such a happy camper. I am seriously easy to please. Why the HELL is that a problem for men to wrap their little tiny brains around? I do some girlie things, like complain. And shop, and obsess over my weight. But I honestly could find something to smile about for the rest of my life, each and every single day.And it is my goal to do just that.I also love to bring that simplistic joy to those around me as well. So is it the fact that I can already do that that scares people? I have no freaking clue. Side note over.and breathe.

But anyway, this promotion kind of came abruptly. Even so that my resume is not where it should be and the big big boss that hired me is keeping an eye on me so my credentials get taken care of so I can stay in my position. Which is awesome. I love having a fire under my ass. But wow. I got promoted.

Someone jump up and down for me. This is super exciting. I, for the first time ever allowed myself to be open and pushed myself in the right direction to get to where I want to be. (wohoo, go meeeee,yep, singing and dancing to myself, NBD)
I even made it clear to my boss and our bigger boss that I want to do it all. I want to run the world. And there is open knowledge of this plan.

Another thing I never did before. I am sharing my plans and I am goal setting. Mark my words, I will be back in Baltimore within 2 years running my own center.

I long so much to be with my youngest brother as he goes through high school and after that I lose him. It's crazy to think of 5 years from now. I mean he will be going to college. But he literally just had his first day of 8th grade today. I might need to slow my role here. But the idea behind it all is goal setting. Not fretting about the future. I have a place I want to be in my life.

But I need to put on the brakes for a little. I just got my new role and I want to be the best at it first before I can even think about taking on everything else.
And I worked my ass off with two jobs to get here. I was a zombie for quite some time. I didn't really have a social life.I swore off men.
(I did go on one, fantastic rained out picnic turned ice skating date) ( I did go knocking on the door of the past) ( I did flirt my ass off, knowing I wasn't going to give any relationship a second glance) ( I did long for having it all) (I don't regret a moment)


.. so here I am. Happy and Successful and though I felt a little odd in this place, for just a moment, I've started to settle in. To my new role.

Because if I haven't been discovered yet, I guess I will just keep playing myself in this movie called Life.