Thursday, July 2, 2009

Classic GF

If I had a boyfriend right now I would be creeping him out royally.

Haha that statement just makes me effing laugh. I am such a flipping disaster. I am currently "talking" to a couple of guys. When it rains ir pours. And when I am in a drought holy shit it's like they all get a memo to stay the eff away from me.

The memo may or may not go a little something like this:

Date: From now until the foreseeable future.
Attn: All men over the age of 28 and under the age of 35(okay 40);

It has come to our attention that you may be interested in a particular young lady who is tons of fun.She is short and hates being called "cute". She is also extremely loud.She even laughs loud, it's called a cackle. She also laughs all the time and smiles even more often. She has one volume, she's endearingly named the volume level as "fuckingloudasshit" and no off button. She has a gigantic heart and just wants to love the whole world but for some reason she makes sure that you don't know this right away. She has no problem using the c word (insert apology to her mother!) and she will make sure you know that you are not as awesome as you might think. She probably wants to fight you but be careful she can hold her own. She has no problem being smacked around a bit as long as she gets to hit you too. She claims her four brothers are the reason she is so violent. She also makes sure you know that along with her brothers she has a father that wants to kill pretty much anyone that goes near her. She will readily admit to bringing new guys around her family just to see them get eaten alive. She can clean up well and loves to wear dresses just to see mouths fall on the floor. She can sing and dance but you will probably never see much more than a few dance moves.
The point of this memo is to forewarn you all. Please do not approach this dangerous animal while we are conducting further studies on how to calm her the eff down. Also please do not feed her. She has Celiac disease and the glutenous foods may set her off! We would appreciate it if you would use extreme caution if you are going to disregard this memo and get in contact with the creature.

Thank you for your time. And do not call us if you have bruises whether they be physical or to your ego. We claim no responsibility for lost of stolen items,like your sanity.


And then one daring young (read: old) man tries his hand at handling the shit storm that is dating me, or merely putting up with me for more than one interaction. And once one guy starts this trend it's as if that memo is redacted and they all come running.

So for now I've got a couple of messages from guys I gave my number to and didn't answer when they called.

(I'm an ass, I know, but I NEVER answer the phone if I don't know who it is, can you tell I have bad credit issues hahaha)

The funny part about not having a boyfriend right now is that I am absolutely sure I would be freaking this guy out. My best friend has a newborn baby and I am obsessed with her. I love this child and it is not mine. All I want to do is be near this little baby girl and hold her. I am fairly confident that with boyfriend in tow I would be talking about this baby just enough to freak him out. Now the other bestie and I are a ways away from the thought of having kids right now.

However if I think about my own mother if I was on her path I would be married, with a 2 year old and a newborn as well. Ah!
Of course she was just years away from a divorce as well but that is besides the point. The point is, I want a kid. I mean. I don't want kids.

Okay, clearly I am confused because I know I was born to be a mother. I will be the most fantastic mother on this planet. I want 6-18 kids. Hahah, no for real I want as many as I can afford. And hopefully a husband who can handle that. Haha but it's all the crazy girls who get boyfriends so maybe I will let all these guys who are chasing me right now into my little idiosyncrasies and maybe one of them will fall in love with me.

..stay tuned.

p.s. I apologize for all the haha's in this post but I honestly wrote this while laughing. It is so freaking true it's scary.

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