Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Surrender Dorothy

another interesting post I never chose to post.. I am not sure why. Maybe because I was scared to put it out there. That I desperately want all the great things that come to shitty ass people. The love of a lifetime. And yet I felt like if I said it out loud, or really wanted it that I could never have it. I had to let it go.. and I did. And here I am, in the midst of another relationship. This one however.. I have no pattern for, we are not the same couple that I was in previous relationships.
And I am so okay with that. But it's always crazy for me to go back and read these things and see just how I felt at a certain time. I can remember feeling like this. Giving up. And I did. I let it effing go. I may have pushed it off a cliff even.

So here is the raw truth of why and how and when I let it go...

The Wicked Witch of the West was kind of a bitch. Writing evil messages in the sky and all.

But when Oprah says it, I listen. And she has said the same thing the Wicked Witch once said. "Surrender"
Now I'm not much of a crier but all this leavin Oprah's been doin has been a little much for me.
That woman is full of unbelievable wisdom. I heard her say, that when you've done all you can do, pray, ask for , beg , try out, hope, wish, settle for, solicit, and all else you can think of. Surrender. Let go of what you you have been dying to come your way and release it to the world. Give it up to God is what she said. And I can't help but be in that mind set.
I've recently felt like I am a piece of crap for sticking to this mantra.
In the process, I have shut off all options that may or may not be knocking at my door. I can't apologize for this.

I have let it go, I honestly truly felt like I had done everything the correct way as far as love goes. I've worked hard, I've been bold and brazen, I've been calm and collected, I've been trepidatious I've been balls to the walls, I've been super supportive, I've done my own thing, I've held my tongue, I've said all that needs to be said, and everything in between.

And yet, my heart feels like it was ripped out by a one two punch. I would have to say I fall for pretty much anyone I am with. I don't date people I don't see a future with. So once I start dating someone I tend to easily envision life in rapid motion.

But I don't want any part of who I was with the last two. I was happy. But I was a girl who wasn't really seeing clearly I suppose. Love will do that to ya.
I went from one boy to the next and I thought one of them had the answers for me. For the life I had envisioned.

Insert husband here.

But hell, I wasn't trying to get married. I mean maybe eventually but hot damn, I couldn't have scared them away by talking about weddings and stuff cuz I wasn't talking about that crap.

So anyway, back to my point.
I feel like the bad guy now. I feel like I've done to others what may have been done to me. How do I stop this cycle of people who want attention but not a relationship. Who think they are clear but clearly not.
Who say one thing, and do that thing, but wink while they're doin it.

I don't want to apologize, cuz I don't feel what I am doing is wrong.
I wanted so badly the happy family, outwardly or just inward that it shaped my thoughts and actions. I didn't get it. I got thrown a curve ball and I feel like I am dealing with it appopriately.I have to let go
Oprah said so people!

So away it goes, my lust for love.
and I'm cool with it.

So, in conclusion, my bad if I seem like a selfish bitch who wants nothing to do with anything to do with a relationship. I'll see if the ends justify the means, and until Oprah directs me to do otherwise I'm riding myself of all want for the things that aren't mine.

...stay tuned.

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