Oh no she di int.

Lucky me.
My birthday is in March.

And before St. Patrick's Day and all people claim their 1/3000th Irish heritage and become obliterated beyond belief and forget that conciousness is an option.Thusly missing any other events around that time. Like a birthday.

Lucky me, my birthday is not New Years Day like a co worker of mine who also wakes up to find everyone around her barely out of their "this year is totally going to suck less!" champagne and fake hopes and dream induced comas.

Lucky me, my birthday is not Christmas Eve, like my Mother's. There was one rule in my house growing up. DO NOT under any circumstances wrap her birthday present with Christmas paper. She wouldn't even open it. Poor woman. I mean freaking Jesus was born just a day later than her so she gets shafted on how many gifts she gets. Not fair.

So that leads me to today. When in walks a sweet woman who hemmed and hawed over gifts. I try and I try to help these people. I am a super great gift giver.

Okay so every now and then I am overcome with my disease that forces me to get someone something I am totally convinced they want but may or may not have hinted at, at all. It usually ends up fine. ( I swear my brother loves the buddha head decor) Other than those rare moments I try really hard to put together thoughful gifts for everyone on my list.

And I even somehow manage to add people who were never on the list. I mentioned I work at a super cute boutque-y gift store right? Yeah, gift giving is totally my thing.

This lady hands me two items and tells me to wrap them together. Done.
WAIT?! What? It is a birthday present? Not Christmas? You are sure?

And this persons birthday is coming up?

WHATTTT?! I wanted to lean over the counter and whisper: "hey assface, there is no DAMN way she wants this right now! How about you wait until effing Thanksgiving is over before you shove Santy Claus down her freaking throat which has nothing to do with her being born. At all. Unless she is a believer of God and then somehow it's tied together but I digress"

But this whole recession thingy has me to the point where I no longer help these people pick out gifts that I have an opinion about. If they are buying things, it is okay by me! An embroidered baby blanket that says "Body Sculpt Baby" referencing a new born who is now to be called the name of her mother's place of employment. Oh absolutely do it!

Then she says "oh well, she probably has more christmas things that she can shake a stick at"

And it took all of me to not lean over and whisper the previous phrase to her but not grabbing her collar and shaking her violently was tremendous self restraint.

(I am not an advocate of this phrase but...)
WTF?

Why would I shake a stick at things? And what does that have to do with how much I have of said things? Really? Who says that?
Don't answer that. If you do, I don't want to know about it. Because I will no longer like you. Seriously, one of the dumbest things I have ever heard.

Why is it okay to give these other holiday related gifts to people before the holiday is upon us. Why stop there? Why not go out and on the day after christmas snatch up all the goodies people didn't want and give them as gifts for the rest of the year?

For the people with a birthday in June, you are totally getting way expired egg nog and some googly eyed reindeer slippers.

And you will like it.


But like I said. She bought something. So judge not lest ye be judged.






But she was totally effing crazy.


..stay tuned!

Limbo. And not the good kind.

Not that there really is a good kind of limbo. Being a shorty limbo was always looked at like it had to be my thing. Right?I'm supposed to be good at this because my entire body's length doesn't quite pass your hips? No. Not the case. Spare me the oompa loompa reference and let's play a real game.

Anyway. I am in a crazy bit of limbo. Life Limbo. I pretty much get here every 8-12 months. It's fun you should try it. Here's how I do it. I live like a single 23 year old with no savings and incidentally I end up like a single 23 year old with no savings! Weird how that happens right?


I am so ready to do what I know I am supposed to be doing.There are glass ceilings and as much as I love Willy Wonka (the original) I do not have any sort of magic sideways moving, glass shattering elevator that can take me wherever I want to go. ( God would I love to live in that land.But NOT as an Oompa, I already told you that! I want to be Veruca Salt. Or maybe Charlie without the creepy family and the bypassed sexual deviance of one Gene Wilder.)

I figured out my calling a couple months back. Well about a year ago. I got a bit of planning done when the economy looked me straight in the face and said "beat this" . And I've been left helpless ever since.

Aw shit. I told you it aint playing fair. Like we are playing war (the card game, not for real war cuz I just made a peace sign cake that says "Make cake not war"!) and it comes time to flip over that third card( you know the part where your war cards tie and you face down three cards and the third one is the new war card)... The first two were Aces. So in my head I think " sweet if I just beat this third one then I will get two Aces, I'm unstoppable then".
Nope that slimy economy straight up pulled out a third Ace and beat my 7. Sure a lot of other cards beat my seven. But another Ace? No way. Gotta be cheating.

When I was a kid I would just flip all of my cards in the air and shout "cheater!" and I would have been done. Not now. I realize the stakes are more than just bragging rights with my siblings. This is life and I want all 52 damn cards! So I don't care how long this GD game takes..

My plan has now been to better my third card. Behind the scenes. Play the game of war a bunch more and get the decked stacked in my direction. To where I can bust out some face cards and kick the economy's ass. I just gotta wait until the stacks are a little more even. You know when I have maybe, oh I don't know, the ability to afford HEALTH INSURANCE. ( I haven't even mentioned the fifth and sixth wisdom teeth growing in my mouth. Yup you heard me. Got 4 removed two years ago. Now I got two more. NOT fair I tell you.)

So in the mean time I have taken up writing.(I've always been a writer, but just recently discovered the idea of actually doing something with the 10,000 poems, or lyrics or short stories that I write.)

Not only here on this blog (which is sure to gain me immediate infamy and tons of fortune to follow right?)but I am also writing children's books. While working two jobs I can't say that I am really writing them so much as scribbling down my ingenious text hoping that when I am finished I can look up and say "A book!"

and then a publisher will look at me and say "I want it!"
And then I will say "Okay that'll be a million dollars"
And then they will say "Done, now write some more!"

and then it will be a happy little circle that goes like that until I keel over.

and then I wont have to find myself attracted to 30 something men who are already well off and could take care of me. Sugar Daddies? Not for me. Unless that circle doesn't happen and then I might just have to actually date one of the men I keep consuming all my time with.


In the mean time it is Friday and I am sure it won't be another version of Fabulous Fridays (because those have tapered off and I die a little on the inside each week now that I have a new digital camera to capture all of it's glory.) But a Friday none the less. So off I go to try to figure out what conclusion job two came to about whether they are willing to give the employees free drinks or not. Because that will hugely affect whether I go to job two to drink or brother's job one. Because that is where I met cute 39 year old. (who incidentally now knows he is on my blog. Crap! ) But mostly because that is where BFF brother works and can get the hook up. I'm working both jobs tomorrow and am sure to disappear again until Tuesday or something. I apologize to my four followers. (I freaking love all of you!)

...stay tuned!

**Update** As much as I would like to believe I am a super cute fearless person (wait, I do whole heartedly believe the first part!). Bits of this post have been edited or removed. I apologize for the extreme vagueness throughout the post and the crazy card game analogy( I let you inside my head for God's sake, it can't all be pretty and sensical and shit.) but I have yet to find a creative way to post about real life events without getting my ass in trouble.It's not like Dooce. has taught me nothing!

A Weekend Away

While my weekend was spent in the same cozy little town I always reside in, I felt like I was away.( My brain took a vacation that's for sure) My best friend was in town though(oh thank goodness!) and I had to work every minute that wasn't being spent with her.

It turned out to be a weird weekend. Clearly why I am sitting here on this Tuesday still thinking about the events that took place in the last 72+ hours.

Friday she rolled into town and I met her at a restaurant where the host politely told me that my friends were waiting for me and pointed me in a direction. I asked him how he knew and he laughed and nodded again in that direction. So I started walking.

He was wrong.

Assumed I was with the other 20 something girls at a round table. When in actuality my friends were my best friend and her parents. I love that he laughed at me though, like an I'm that good so don't ask me how I know kind of laugh.
Idiot.

Side note:They did have fabulous Margaritas though. And that is really how I judge a restaurant. I am a Margarita snob. Love Sweet Water for their food but their margaritas are shit. Ted's Montana Grille, apparently has a much better recipe. I however, have the best recipe of all. If you are lucky one of these days I will share it with you.
It is to die for. And I can only thank Denise for bringing it into my life.
But shhhh.. I like to take credit for passing this recipe around!

Back to the story...

we went out to apparently my favorite place V5( I say apparently because I am there every damn day but I really think of it no better than any other local joint, my brother just happens to work there and I go there a lot. Okay?!)
She and I have a drink there and then head to meet some friends at the Sports Theatre. Which is exactly why it was a snoozer. You shouldn't go there if there aren't any big games to watch. I almost fell asleep in her tall ass glass of beer. We drove home and Friday night came to a sleepy close.I wasn't sure I was going to get to spend any more time with her.

She was going to a wine festival (how classy) and I was going to work (how boring) on Saturday. And though she was to make it home by 7 that night there was no reason to believe that she would make it anywhere else but home after that. (There are stories of other wine festivals to back up this notion)

So when she sat in my section at the restaurant later that evening it was a nice surprise. The entire evening had been anything but pleasurable before her arrival.

Blame it on homecoming. Stupid high schoolers. (only kidding I love all God's children... haha kidding again)(Seriously though, who forgets to put a tip down? Seven of you just ate for 95 dollars, where is the rest of daddy and mommy's money?! I didn't do this just to make sure your night was special...but I'm sure it was anyway, the way girls are dressing these days! When did I become old and conservative? Sheesh!)

Anyway, after work I met her at her place and watched SNL.

Okay so let's recap. Boring Friday. Boring Saturday. And now on to Sunday.

Oh and I work, now that's a surprise! (again, I know I have no room to complain I have taken on two jobs and should expect to work every day all day right?! Great.)

Luckily brunch was slow and I got off just in time to don my jersey and head up to the sports bar and watch my game. It ended, and sadly.The 3 and half quarters we had lead the game disappeared in the last minutes.
I was less than thrilled.

To make matters worse the hometown team had taken the lead and we all know that every win brings them closer to the likely hood of a Super Bowl ring right? Yeah, well try telling the fans that isn't exactly the case.


So I had to hustle out of that place before I blew a head gasket (see: previous post about being a good sport.. hint: I'm not.)
I went home and watched more football and fell asleep.

My best friend left town.

End of weekend.


Except I never have specific weekends so I am going to include yesterdays shenanigans in my weekend recap.

Work at the restaurant as usual, mess up, get lousy tips and head out before anyone notices. Meet the girls at Vintage 50 and start the birthday celebrations!

Met the rest of the crew at another place and really started the birthday celebration for a few people.

Then I watched the birthday girl slip into the worlds quickest drunk-fest mode.

And I was keeping an eye on a certain goal of mine. (Yes, I refer to men as goals)
He definitely kept me guessing because he starts hooking up with a co-worker. What?@! He's taken? Oh well, guess he is off the "I must conquer" list.
Or is he?
Did he just grab my scarf and pull me in close?
Did I catch him eyeing me through out the night?

Yes and yes. So is he off the list or what? I can't decide.

But now I am getting texts about Birthday girls lunacy that didn't end with her calling everyone bitches and flicking everyone off. She quit today.

After the penis pops(or cocksicles, whichever you prefer), the tiara, the birthday sash, the drinks, the shots and the karaoke we sang to her she ended up getting belligerent and using those hands for evil and not good. Bad birthday girl, bad. So back to Pennsyltucky she goes.

See, and this why I don't define the weekend by certain days. Craziness can happen at any moment. And there, in a simple Monday was hiding the excitement I had been looking for all weekend.

Monday Morning Madness

Have you opened a newspaper today? And I am speaking to my Washington area readers.

Holy Cow it's like the second coming of Christ. Which to most Redskins fans, a win over the Cowboys in their own house, pretty much is. Short of a Superbowl win (which these suckers have been clamoring for since the last one...83975346 years ago.)

I love it and I hate it. I am by no means a Redskins fan. I hail from good ol' Balmer hon. (translated that's Baltimore, Maryland)
I am a die hard Ravens fan. But to not congratulate this team and its fans (because obviously they have something to do with that win.) would be downright ignorant. I can move past the blurry lines of fan-dom and reach out my hand to a Redskins fan and say... "good win" (Besides my best friend is a die hard skins fan, and I love her so I have to love her interests too, even though she was born in Texas)

Part of me is celebrating the win because my ex-boyfriend is a HUGE Cowboys fan. SO rubbing it in is fun. Luckily we are still friendly( in the I don't want to give a shit about you anymore so I am going to be cordial until I no longer need an ounce of what you think to validate me, then I will be completely done with you, and thusly, no longer friendly sort of way) And since that is the case I hope he can take a joke. I posted some schtick on his MySpace or Facebook wall about him and every other Cowboys fan not killing themselves. Just yet at least.

Besides the cowboys/skins game I am more excited about what tonight may bring. Another W for my Ravens. MNF vs. the Steelers. We got this one. I am "Wacco for Flacco" (I didn't come up with it!)

The downside of Mondays.. I have to work tonight. Most Mondays it is sllloooowww. So I can only hope that I can get out of there before the game starts. Speaking of work. Shouldn't it be sacrilegious to work on Sundays? I mean I took the Sunday morning shift thinking I would be able to get out of there by the time most football was on and not over. Wrong. I got my butt kicked on the patio last night. I enjoyed it after I calmed down a bit. But who knew my busiest shift would be a Sunday morning. Doesn't hold much hope for the rest of the season when my team will be playing at 1pm or 4pm.
Dangsies.


The good thing about football?(and what holds most fans together).. is that there is always next season. I am still counting on my Baltimore boys to do some damage this season, I just have to realize I won't be able to see all of their games. Or the other 31 teams that play. I guess I have to get over that when I took two jobs.

...stay tuned.