Consider me Miles Davis...

I woke up three times today.

Once this morning around 730 a.m.
Tried to grab my dignity (but it appears to have been lost) my shoes and left my friends apartment. I started my car and drove home. It was only then did I realize that I was in fact, still intoxicated.

And driving a motor vehicle while being in such a state is not a good idea. Luckily the beltway was nice to me and not that many people were still on the road. So I was less likely to kill someone. (Hey, it makes me feel better)

I then went back to sleep hoping I wouldn't wake up in the same state mentally. Well actually I was praying that I was no longer in Maryland either. Cuz that's where I got my ass handed to me. Via a bar.

The night started off with good intentions.
Great if you will.
I had driven in the nasty yucky rain to support two charities. Not one but TWO bitches. I was so going to heaven at this point in the night.

Anywho. The charitable event was a wine tasting.

(Keyword is tasting)

I tasted that Sauvignon Blanc over and over again.

It never did quite taste the same. Which is why I went back. Or at least I tried to justify my repeated visits to the bartender. She was not buying it and just kept giving me less and less in my glass.

I was slowly being cut off at a charity event?!?

Should have taken that as a sign right there.

So it was a meeting of former roommates at this event. We decided to go out for a drink after wards. I thought the whole point was to catch up. They thought the point was to get all wastey face.

They were totally right.

We hopped around Bethesdy and got soaking wet and danced the night away. I let some guy think that if he bought me enough shots he had a shot.

He didn't. And I am a typical girl at a bar. So shoot me.

My ass hit the dance floor and showed some Germans how we Americans do it. I shook my hair all in my face and shook my ass even more. That's how we Americans do it right?

Well they fancied me a bit. I kept getting trying to get them to do the "rock on" hand gesture but they kept telling me that it meant evil or the devil in other parts of the world.

Stupid Germans.

And while I'm talking about stupid people let me throw myself under the bus.


What is it with people that when someone buys a round of shots and puts one in front of you and you know you probably shouldn't do a shot of GM (insert your own poison here) but you feel bad and think "but I have to". No drunk ass (and I'm talking to myself here) You don't have to do it. You can politely refuse.

You can't? OH yeah. You right. Cuz if you do people like me will parade around calling you a "giant pussy". Man I am obnoxious. But I made 4 peoples night that night. And here's how:

Big Black Man who refused to do a shot with us. Deep down he enjoyed the curse laden rant that I went on telling him to get his ass on the dance floor or shut up. I swear he loved it. Or maybe his best buddy next to him loved it more. Either way they thought I was cool.

German guys. I already told you why they think I'm "fucking fantastic" Yeah I told them that was the cool thing to say. In a German accent it sounds quite comical might I add.

My girls. I introduced myself for the second time this week as Jessica. My name isn't Jessica. She is my alter ego. When I don't want to tell some *Rando my name, that is what I say. So Sharon and Veronica I salute you both for following my lead. And they loved me for my curse laden rant (stop me if you've heard this before) that I gave any douche who dared come up to us. (And I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend)


And cute boy who worked at the bar. He loved me because I was flirting with him all night and as we left the bar something came over me (the shot of GM, the Grape Bomb, the Kamikaze and or maybe the shot of Patron) and I grabbed his face and started kissing him. Yup.

I had to be reminded of this this morning. And all I can think of is what a story that will be for him to tell. (If nothing else, I'm at least entertaining!)

I then proceeded text the crap out of my ex. And call him "baby" like 100 times. But that's another story. And it may be why he isn't answering my calls today. Woops.

So all of that was crammed into a couple hours last night. I woke up, drove home and tried to sleep it off. Rolled into work looking like a Mack Truck hit me. I had a big grin on my face and realized I was still drunk. Thank God it was a slow day for lunchers at JobTwo because I took my ass home and went to sleep. Again.

And I woke up for the third time today at 7 pm.
Now where is that pesky ex boyfriend of mine? We are supposed to get together tonight. As for the dignity I am praying it finds its way back into my life.


...stay tuned.