Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Naivete 6.27.2008

Current mood: peaceful

So it's a random Friday and I have been so deep in thought recently it seems. I blame it on my lack of commitments. No boys, no TRIs. I am not so overscheduled right now my brain is working overtime.
Although I do think some of my best stuff comes when I am super busy. So naturally, I am looking to book up my schedule again. Another Triathlon you ask? Well, just maybe!! I do plan on doing another Sprint distance in August and was originally planning to do the Olympic distance in September through Team in Training. However, after speaking with a few people from that organization and I say few people because as soon as I started talking to one, she would go on vacation and pass me off to another person. (That is a bit irritating I must admit.) Besides that they told me that training for the Nation's Triathlon for them was already in week 7. Yeah that's right. Almost two months ago they started training for the September event. Gross, yuck,ew. I would not choose to spend my ENTIRE summer in training. I gave myself all of June to relax. Well I have gotten in like 3 beach days which I would consider my only time to relax... so that didn't really happen. Anyway, I bet you I could still start training in July and be fine by September. I felt last time I trained for 3 months and that was a few weeks too long. Who knows, I suppose I will mull over that decision some more...

I keep hesitating writing my super philosophical thoughts that I have been having. I have just pondered what it would be like to express to certain people in my life what I need to express to them. I am terrible at communicating. I dont know how to not act like things don't bother me. Truth be told most things don't but some actually do. I do have a pretty hard shell and things can't really get me down. It is an unbelievable asset if you are going to live your life on your terms constantly. The way I have. I will never experience things the way some people have because I won't allow myself to go to that place. My emotions are no where near the surface they are hidden way deep down. Unfortunately I actually think that I could live my life quite peacefully like this.My lack of emotion is certainly not a lack of passion or drive. It's a lack of wanting to let other people bring me down. I was, am and will always be a happy person. So crying and getting stuck in the past is not my idea of a useful way to spend your time. Either do something about it or don't but you have to get over it either way. Or you are living your life according to others. My problem with this is that the other day while driving, I made myself cry. I of course could only have done this when I was completely by myself and in the middle of a long drive. The tears lasted all of 10 minutes and then I was done. But had I not made that drive I wouldn't have allowed myself those salty teardrops to roll down my face for even just a moment. So get over it quickly and be a more positive person or allow myself some more tears? In my head I hear that question phrased "strong, or weak?" It's not to say that I don't always ride the daily roller coaster with ups and downs.And when you are in a relationship (which I can't forsee happening again for a very long time) then it is easier to be happy and sad according to someone else but as far as other people's actions or words determining how I am underneath... that won't change. I am truly blessed and I will always be a happy-go-lucky, hope for the best, live for today,tell it like it is, bubbly, stay positive, steady rock, always here for you little girl underneath.

However, I am trying to learn how to strike the balance between reading into what other people say and dismissing what some of those same people say. I trust myself 100%. I know who,what,where,when and why I have my own gut feelings and they are pretty accurate. It's when someone else or many someones start voicing their opinion and it touches on something I may have even felt but had already pushed aside. Recently, I heard a resounding chorus chime in about my fathers absence from a very important moment in my life. Granted most everyone missed this moment. Whether they were un invited or unable to come I felt I knew there was going to be a small crowd ahead of time. However the crowd got smaller when my '21 year old brained' father rang me and told me he "overslept" . Oh really? Not a chance that I believe that for a second and even if it was true it's one of the most terrible reasons I have heard in recent history.

Now that day. NOTHING and I mean nothing could have gotten me down. I crossed the damn finish line and that was it as far as my focus. But the more I thought about it and heard people and how upset they were, it got me thinking... he sucks! But it's not his first offense. And a few months back I had a situation that put a microscope over his life. And over his and my relationship. It is so bruised, not broken. But I think it would be very different if he were someone else in my life. He would get a tongue lashing and a total diss from me. I don't put up with bullshit like he throws around.
Or do I?
I guess I do.
The honest truth is that I will continue to. He is a grown man (only distinguishable by his actual age) and I will not change him. I don't plan on wasting my life trying to do so either. ( I don't plan on doing that to or for anyone else in my life either) I will however make sure he now knows how I feel when he acts like a complete idiot. I am just worried that either of my brothers will grow up to be like him. Not completely worried , because there are some wonderful things they could learn from him. And I am being totally honest. There are some aspects of his life that I would want any human to emulate. Should I be worried that I am going to grow up to be like him too? If I hadn't had this moment with a certain someone and had someone else pretty much ask me that very question I may not be thinking this. That moment definitely opened my eyes. But we all know there are some inevitable events of life and then BOOM you turn around and you are your parents. I know this. I just hope I turn out more like my mother... Well I just hope I can strike a balance between the two of them... and the rest of it is a wonderful new mixture of myself!

I also had another person in my life blow my mind with their ignorance. I give people the benefit of the doubt over and over again and yet this person kept going in the wrong direction from what I believed was the right thing to do. I've tried to help her but I can't anymore. The last straw was probably something stupid to most but it rubbed me the wrong way. Everytime i thought about it I think my emotion came to the surface more and more.
And this is the word that has been popping up in my introspective days lately.

Naive or Naivete

I know that on some levels I am indeed, naive. I do not know the ways of many worlds that I have not experienced. But could I be unaware enough to not know that people like this are going to be in my life? That I will continue to build myself up and people will try to cut me down. I get that but I guess I never thought it would be inside people. I talk openly about the amazing people that I have in my life. I truly feel that not many people get to have the quality of people in their lives that I get over and over again. I have a deep seeded respect for most people in my life. I got to choose some of them. Some of them I am just a lucky bastard to have had choose me!
SO with that said, I guess I really gave the crown of "amazing people" to EVERYONE in my life. And that is not the case. There are lovels of amazing and levels of people who are less so. These two people I spoke of are hopefully the extent of it. And that is where I keep asking myself if I am too naive. Can I really believe that I can go my whole life with only a few people who ruffle my feathers? Especially for the plans that I have to take over the world?
Well, I know that when it comes to serious things like death and drugs and destruction and love and hate and things of the world I would have to consider myself naive because I haven't experienced much of it. But can't I go my whole life without things like drugs and hate and still be a knowledgeable person? Or do I have to experience it all to know it all? I don't think many people can survive all of those things and live to tell about it.
Like am I naive enough to think that when my car window was smashed in earlier this year that it wasn't somones malicious attempt to fuck up my day?
Am I naive enough to believe that you can want something or someone bad enough and you will indeed get it?
Am I naive enough to think that the way that I live my life will affect someone elses life?
I have a ton more of these.. but I digress.

I have a pretty open mind and I can wrap my brain around a lot. So am I naive or do I just choose to see the world as it is but live my life trying to keep the good in and the bad out.?
And in that case then we are all naive to whatever we have not personally been through.I think one of my few talents comes in that I can learn from those around me. I need not to live through every bump in the road to learn to swerve every now and then
So is it a lack of understanding or a lack of experience?
Because I certainly understand a lot more than I have experienced

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